


Saving the Exile

by meikahidenori



Series: Classic Thunderbirds smut archive R18+ [5]
Category: Thunderbirds
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Awkward Romance, Brother/Brother Incest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 16:07:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 85,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13791255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meikahidenori/pseuds/meikahidenori
Summary: Pre Newflower / Wallflower fiction. Going back to the very romance that started their relationship.trigger warning involving attempted rape in a later chapter towards the end. will mark it on top of chapter so you can skip it.





	1. The lost cause

Scott looked over at the passenger seat at his new house mate. Out of all his younger brothers, the copper haired mess of an eighteen year old, that looked as if he had his locks roughly shaven back to a crew cut against his will, was the last person a young man of military prestige wanted to babysit.

The only other person available for this job was busy working in engineering in their father's company and having a juvenile delinquent that close to the business was well to put it bluntly - bad for business.

Scott wasn't quite sure what to do. With his role in the air force there were times he wouldn't be around for months, so keeping the family nuisance out of trouble was going to become an issue.

His younger brother hadn't spoken since their father dumped him at the airport, Scott unsure if it was out of shame or because he was planning a runner. Scott wouldn't have blamed him for either, since this was his sibling’s first time outside of a prison in two years, though to look at him you'd never think he was a criminal but stealing cars and burning them was what he had gotten him into trouble and now he'd rubbed shoulders with druggies, con artists, murders and rapists….there was no telling what kind of a person his sibling was anymore.

The other thing his father was strict on was that he wasn't allowed contact with his other siblings. Scott knew this would be impossible to enforce since both Alan and John had stayed at his apartment so he'd have to juggle their visits if they wanted to come round.

It wasn't fair but he would do as he was told, even if it was more like punishing Scott instead of his wayward brother.

“The second we get to my place Gordon, you're going to get settled in and apply for an appointment at the local job employment agency.” He said, not bothering to ask if his brother had any feelings on the matter. “I don't know what jobs are available to the likes of you and your unfinished education but we'll figure it out. Pizza delivery boy or something….”

Gordon still stared out the window, off on his own little planet.

Scott sighed. “Help me out here, Gordon. I'm not going to enjoy this either ok? But we have to make it work. You'll at least get my apartment to yourself from time to time… so you could be a little more grateful.”

Caramelised amber eyes bore deep into Scott and gave him the chills. Gordon, like his other brother Virgil both had their dead mother's eyes… but only Gordon’s gave him the creeps. 

There was something not quite right behind them.

“Thanks, Scotty. I'm sorry you're stuck with me.”

Scott blinked. Gordon had an accent so heavily occa you could engrave plates with it. All that time in Australia must have rubbed off on him.

“Yeah, well keep your nose out of trouble and we'll be alright.”

At Scott’s apartment, things were not much better. Out of the three spare rooms, Gordon was pushed into one that looked like it was used as a study - a room full of books and junk that had no intention of being turned into a bedroom. There was a sleeping bag on the floor unlike the others which seemed to have beds which screamed things at him along the lines of him not being welcome. Gordon knew he was possibly only a temporary resident until he either fucked up again or was finally allowed back home after some sort if redemption… he hoped.

He never thought he'd miss his jail cell… it was as if he swapped one hell for another only this time in a foreign country where he was expected to pick himself up off the ground without any idea what he could do. At least back in Australia in Adelaide he could work in an opal mine - being short and small a huge advantage for not getting trapped down a drill hole… or on a sheep farm as a shearer or a cattle farm as a jackaroo - positions where no one gave a crap about your past, were middle of nowhere and expected you to work hard or die trying.

Here, he needed not just a green card, but other little pieces of paper because of his criminal record and was limited in any jobs he’d like to apply for. Even if he wanted to go back to study his options were limited here.

Gordon knew when he was being set up to fail.

He poked his head into the other spare rooms to see who they were reserved for, if Scott had roommates he’d understand the dumping in the other room but the surprise he got didn’t make him feel any less wanted in his life.

One looked like a carbon copy of Scott’s living room but with space and racing paraphernalia strewn around - Gordon picking up photographs and noticing the pictures of the young bloke with the racing car was young, blonde and looked a little like Gordon’s youngest brother Alan, who Gordon hadn’t seen since the kid was nine. Gordon couldn’t fully tell because he could have changed a great deal so identifying his siblings by sight now was more than imposible. He only knew what Scott looked like because he was like their father but everyone else….

Gordon had struggled so much since he was left to be an athlete in Australia at eleven… only to BOMB in the olympics two years later. When your thirteen that’s a HUGE deal and when people spend the next three years calling you a failure, you get shunted to another state and a another school, have no emotional support and are mentally unstable…. you snap.

He wished Scott understood that. No one did. Expected to work everything out himself, Gordon just did what every unstable teenager did - go off the rails, lash out….

And land himself in prison.

At least that place wasn't that bad. Gordon got treated well, learned early who to avoid and how to be useful, becoming the young bloke who tattooed the inmates with the things they wanted, some of them terrifying and graphically violent but mostly religious verses for people who wanted to be reminded that they needed to from themselves on the outside… and he wasn’t near anyone THAT dangerous - the more deadly and problematic prisoners separated at the other end of the facility. He got help there too, people were actually kind, wanting to give those who were there for minor offences a chance to go back and have normal lives. After all not everyone behind bars was a cold blooded monster. One man Gordon met had kill someone in an accident that wasn’t his fault, but was forced to live with it like it was. 

Not everyone behind bars was there because they wanted to be.

Entering the other room, Gordon saw the same space themed stuff but more geared around pure fantasy and science fiction. He had no idea who stayed here, probably Virgil maybe as it looked like pretty creative the art on the walls…

Ok why was an octopus and a jellyfish floating in space on the wall mural?

He inspected it closely and it dawned on him that it wasn’t quite a space picture… but one of the ocean blending into the greater universe. Someone who loved both worlds stayed in here. 

Looking around he found some photographs even older than the ones in the other room, some still had their mother in them. There wasn’t anything any more recent than the other ones Scott kept, the family photos of strangers he barely knew and were not a part of.

Someone must still want to remember him, he figured, judging by the pictures…. But who? 

There was an address on the desk, some kind of university? And a dorm number…

“What are you doing?”

Gordon pocketed the address and spun around. “J-Just l-looking Scotty.”

“Yeah, well these room are off limits to you ok Gordon?” Scott folded his arms. “Dad’s orders.”

The younger Tracy nodded and filed out, slinking around Scott as he did so afraid his brother would hit him like their father did when he picked him up on release day. Scott probably wouldn’t have but you just never knew.

“Who’s rooms are those?” Gordon asked. After being lead back into the living room that had pictures of all these strangers that made him feel an extreme ounce of awkward.

Scott snorted softly. “When they visit? Alan and John. Alan more so these days as He has school breaks and likes to go down and join in the NASCAR racing. Wins trophies too. Adrenaline junkie just like you though has the brains to actually do something that doesn’t make him a menace to society.”

“As for John? I don’t think I’ll see him till we all meet up back home for christmas. He’s a bit aloof, smokes, drinks and parties a little too much.” Scott’s face soured. “I’m just hoping he doesn’t throw his life away like you did… so far he’s avoiding it but barely.”

“Am I able to see them?”

“No. You heard dad at the airport. Besides,” Scott ruffled his sibling’s hair roughly, “They’ve forgotten all about you, which is good as it keeps them in the dark about what an utter disgrace you are. Once you get a job or some studies - whatever - maybe dad will let up but I wouldn’t expect a warm reception.”

“Oh.” Gordon looked crestfallen. The only thing he wanted so badly over the six years WAS to be with his two younger siblings, to be the troublesome threesome again. They were all close in age; John eight months younger than him and Alan a year and a half or so. Forgetting who he was didn’t sound possible but if they had moved on with their lives then it was highly likely.

“Don’t worry Gordo,” Scott assured him. “They’d only provide distraction anyway. We’re supposed to be sorting you out, not worrying about everyone else.”

Gordon nodded and was offered a seat in which he took and held onto himself, afraid of touching anything. The phone rang and Scott went to answer it and Gordon could overhear the conversation - who ever it was was being filled in on his arrival and then when the cracks about him being the no hoper and lost cause started he stood up, knocked all the photos off the shelf in his frustration before bolting for the room he had been forced to take. Scott looked around from the kitchen and grumbled back on the phone “Yeah just had our first temper tantrum. Huh? No idea Virge. Gordo’s probably going to wind up in prison again anyway after a few months… yeah I know.”


	2. Finding courage

Gordon curled up on the floor, sleeping bag kicked to the other side of the tiny room. He wanted nothing to do with Scott, his charity his fakeness… but he didn’t want to go back behind bars either. Maybe he should just do them all a favour and jump out the window off the balcony Scott’s apartment had?

Seeing those other rooms, seeing the kind of lives his other siblings had lead without him made him feel so lonely, so empty inside.

They all had lives now, they didn’t need him to come along and mess things up for them.  
His hand reached into his pocket and pulled out the paper with the crumpled address and stared at it. The room he got it from must have been John’s…. Scott said Alan was the race car enthusiast so that had to be right.

The room with all the old photographs….

Maybe, he could see John? The address was within the city they were in and he sort of recalled Scott driving past the large Harvard University buildings to get here.

But what would he say? ‘Hey Johnny, guess who I am? You wanna know where I’ve been?’

He cringed inwardly at the very idea he’d tell anyone else about his last few years, especially since they were all successes and he was the only one who was lower on the food chain than maggots.

Heck he had no idea which bloke in the photographs Scott kept anyway and more to the point - Would John WANT to talk to Gordon after all this time? Sure they used to be very close, not just in age but in the way John used to follow him EVERYWHERE and until a incident at the pool, Gordon saw John everyday when in Sydney… until the London Olympics when that fall from grace had him kicked out onto his arse, not just by the institute of sport but by his own family… hey, didn’t John get left in London to to go to school? He tried hard to remember but nothing was coming up for him, depression and anxiety messing with his head so much over the years it left huge gaps in things he probably should know.

And what if John slammed the door on his face? Told him to get lost because he was a fake?

That’s maybe a reason to jump then, when the only person who seemed to hold a place for him in their heart threw him away.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow was going to be make it or break it day.


	3. That handsome English chap

This is a BAD idea. Gordon paced up and down the corridor of the strange building he had weaseled his way into after wasting almost half the day trying to find the stupid thing after getting the wrong bus and having to backtrack on foot.

He should have waited a few more days… or at least until he got his green card accepted.

No, Fuck It. He was going to do it, that way if he blew it like everything else he could just walk himself into traffic knowing there was nothing left.

He stood infront of the door, palms sweating, heart racing, demons swimming around in his head. He couldn’t remember knocking, though the sound echoed around his brain like the death call of a crow.

“Hey! Twink Fairy! Get the door would ya?!”

John was torn from his study notes as his dorm mate hollered at him from the room next door. Sighing, the young man stood silently from his bed and trudged over to the main door of the dormitory he shared with three other guys. All of them were studying more physical subjects, leaving the more intellectual Tracy boy to isolate himself in his room to study. They were quick to encourage John to go to parties they attended, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching on as they took a cocktail of drugs and the antics that they fuelled.

Swinging the door open, John regarded a nervous and unfamiliar young man stood before him, shining auburn hair shaved at the sides of his head framing lightly tanned skin, a stark comparison to his own. John shifted uncomfortably as he felt the bright pair of large golden-amber eyes that peeked out from under the stranger’s feathered fringe scanning his body. The man looked to be of a similar age to John, though he did not recognise him as one of his dorm mate’s buddies. 

“Uhh… Hello?” John prompted quietly, causing the man to jump from his thoughts slightly, “Can I help you?” His accent still held a strong British twang from his youth spent in the English schools his father had chosen. 

“Errr…” Gordon froze. Standing in front of him was a tall slender stallion of a man with a English accent, blonde feathery hair framing his face and grazing his shoulders, kinking around in wavy curls. His heart skipped a beat, this young posh gentleman was every woman's handsome sexual fantasy, every gay man's delicate butterfly.

And one fine man Gordon wanted to get to know better, as he didn't know many openly gay people from growing up in the backwards red bushlands of Adelaide - at least ones that were attractive looking. They were usually big blokes, tough guys looking for other tough guys.

Gordon had to admit, he wasn't into bears, no men with the muscle structure of a brick shithouse.

Fuck it, even if John never wanted to see him again, Gordon wanted to know if this bloke in front of him swung his way.

He realised he was stalling. Gordon nervously ran his hand through his hair at the back of his head, his accent peppered his a harsh but deep occa as he spoke. “G’day, I'm looking for John Tracy. You know him? I uh...I'm staying with his brother Scott and thought I'd drop by and visit...have a bit of a chin wag, ya know, general catch up.”

John eyed the stranger suspiciously as alarm bells were sounding in his head. He knew full well Scott didn’t entertain guests often at his apartment and the idea that his eldest brother would have given his details to a stranger was highly unlikely. He was unsure who this handsome young man was or what he would have wanted with him, but something about him was drawing John in, intrigued by the strong accent and warm eyes. 

“Yeah, I know him… And you are?”

“One of his brothers.” Gordon said sheepishly. “He's got four of us, the poor bastard.”

“No you’re not!” John snapped quickly, retreating slightly back into the room. 

Gordon wedged his foot in the door as it was slammed on it. “Look, what's it to you!? How would you know? I didn't waste my time trying to find this damn place to get told to fuck off, alright ya big galah!” He growled. 

“I haven't seen him in...four years or more and I'll be damned if some English toffee nosed wanker tells me I can't see my own fucking ‘duckling’ of a brother alright?”

John’s eyes widened as he regarded the indignant man through the gap in the door, his eyes searching the caramel pools before him. 

“Clownfish?”

“Oh so he's told you about me?” Gordon’s tone changed suddenly as fast as the wind could, filling with genuine surprise. “I honestly thought...I mean of course he would! There's only one brother he's got who's eight months older than him!”

“N-No way…” John stuttered, opening the door wider and reaching out a hand to the man’s face, “Gordon? W-What are you doing here?!”

Gordon frowned, confused. “I'm looking for my little brother…though I'm not sure what he looks like anymo...oh my FUCKING GODS!”

He gripped the blonde man by the arms as things started to fall into place, a face from some of Scott and Alan's recent photos finally given a name.

“J-John!? Is this really you? You're….you’re so damn tall! And skinny! Who’s been feeding you? You need meat on those bones!” He blabbed incoherently. “Like holy fuck man! It's...it's really you!”

He started to calm down a little. “It's..really you… and you've grown up so much. I'm sorry I barely recognized you….you look so different, so incredible. Bet all the ladies chase you around huh?”

He wrapped John in a tight embrace, so glad that even after a false start John had not forgotten him like everyone else.

John wrapped his brother up in his arms, shocked at the handsome man he had become over their years apart, choosing to brush over Gordon’s last comment and change the subject. “Bloody hell you don’t look anything like you used to! I can’t believe I didn’t recognise you either!”

He stepped back and held the door open, ushering his sibling inside, “Come on in… We’ve got so much to catch up on!”

Closing the door, John led his brother through the dormitory towards his room, one of his dorm mates sticking his head out into the hall.

“Who is this, Twink? You finally found a boyfriend?” Came the sniggering voice.

“Sod off,” John mumbled, pushing Gordon away from the laughing man, “Stop talking bollocks!”

Gordon ducked his head around the door frame and looked a little more threatening than the big beefy footy player did. “Watch it buster, otherwise this ‘poofter’ is going to break your face.”

John grabbed Gordon’s top and pulled him away from the door and shoving his hot-tempered brother into his own room. 

“I thought you’d be more accepting than that! Not join in!”

Gordon gave John a dirty look. “Uh what are you on about? It's ok for me to use it especially when I'm gay and proud of it. It's wrong when a wanker like that uses it.” He puffed out his chest and looked at John curiously. “What, out of five of us at LEAST one or two of us are gay. I can't speak for any of you but I'm not gonna lie about what I am and let him insult you.”

“It’s not that big a dea-” John paused, “Wait… You're gay too?!”

“Yeah, why? You like Dad who's got a problem with it?” Gordon backed down a little. He may not be intimidated by a bloke three times his size but someone as incredibly attractive as John he found himself faltering.“Sorry… I just, I'm not around people enough...got no control over my mouth and my attitude.”

“Yes.. I'm gay. I just… I grew up in a place where you don't advertise it the last few years and I sort of just… look I'm sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, Clownfish,” John smiled, “You’re not alone… How could I have a problem with it when I am too?”

Gordon flushed a bright red colour. “Really? That's hard to believe… your too...wow really? So even attractive guys like you do exist.” He laughed shyly.

“Hard to believe?” John felt his face flush with warmth as he averted his gaze to the floor and sitting on his bed. “What do you mean?”

His mind was racing and confused. So much had happened in the last five minutes that he was struggling to keep up. Shifting his study books to one side, John tucked his legs under himself as he leant up against the pillows. Having gone from seeing a ruggedly attractive man stood at his door asking after him to finding out the same man was his brother was wreaking havoc with his thoughts. 

“Well I mean...look you just don't get guys as attractive as you where I've been stuck ok? They're usually big hair bears or Crocodile Dundee posers. There's...no one as drop dead gorgeous as you.” Gordon coughed politely.

“Guess we still think the same even when we're apart huh?” He joked uneasily. Gordon felt his heart breaking a little with the fact the most handsome creature he ever met happened to be related to him. Talk about unlucky!

“So...how's things since London? You - you look pretty set here.” He hesitantly said, struggling to make conversation that wasn't small talk. “I could tell from the stuff at Scotty’s place you guys have all had some wild times the past few years.”

Gordon was smiling, an invisible mask that he had learned long ago to wear when covering his feelings. Now that he was actually here having a conversation he was at a loss, not just for words but how to avoid talking about himself and how to pretend that listening to another sibling talk about having a life he wasn't a part of didn't make his chest feel like it could stop breathing at any given moment because he'd be stabbed repeatedly by just words.

“I'm guessing you guys didn't miss me much huh? Looks like you guys still do amazing stuff without me in your lives… not that I'm wanting you guys to welcome me back or anything I mean.. I've been off the grid for almost forever.”  
Gordon couldn't stop fidgeting, eventually giving up and hiding his hands.

“But I did miss you all.” He finished quietly, unsure if John heard his mumble.

“I’ve missed you too! Where have you been, Clownfish?” John motioned towards the bed, silently offering his brother a seat, “Missed you so much! It’s been so boring without you around! No one would tell me anything about where you were, what you were doing… They didn’t even tell me if you were safe! I was so worried. Then it was like everyone was just ignoring the fact you weren’t there… Like it was normal! Scotty just swept it off whenever I mentioned you, Virge hasn’t been here to talk to and Alan…? Well I swear Alan was too young to understand it.”

John sighed as he slumped back against the pillows, so many unanswered questions from the last few years. His family hiding things from him and lying through their teeth. All the while he had been grieving, not only for his mother, but for the loss of his closest sibling and friend. The two people in his life that truly treated him as his own person, not something malleable that could be formed into something more suitable for themselves like his father and eldest sibling.

“Sorry…” the younger man sighed, before looking up at his brother as he rigidly sank to sit on the foot of the bed, “I’ve just missed you so much and I can’t believe you’re finally here! Did Scotty bring you?”

“Uh… yeah..s-sort of, not quite. Dad sort of dumped me on him…” Gordon looked at his shoes. “There's not really much for me to talk about really, just school mostly.” 

No, there's alot for you to talk about, a little evil voice in the back of his head grumbled low. You just don't want your brother ashamed of you.

“Boring huh? Looks like you've done more living than I have, John. Hey, I saw all the space stuff at Scotty's… you thinking of writing the next big science fiction novel?”

John shuffled his feet and smiled as his brother, “Not quite…” he gestured to his books, “Studying Astrophysics here, though I do write in my spare time… it’s more factual than fiction.”

“I gave Scotty letters to send to you… Did you ever get them?”

Gordon shook his head. “I had no contact with anyone till yesterday.” He let out a sigh. “I thought - I thought you'd all just abandoned me...after London.” Fuck, he thought to himself. If there was genuinely people WANTING to know where he was, wanting contact, why the hell would Scott deny him that?

Or maybe it wasn't Scott… he did say that dad's restrictions on him seeing John and Alan was stupid after all.

“I'm really sorry John, I should never have stopped by.” He uttered aloud before he could prevent it. “Wait I don't mean it in that I didn't want to see you, it's just that… you've grown up so much and are doing so well...I feel awful that I can't tell you the same.”

John observed the young man before him, though he looked like a stranger he still felt the almost magnetic pull to his closest friend. It had been a rough few years without Gordon to talk to, being forced to mold into what was expected of him and to go along with whatever was asked. He was sure that Scott and their father only wanted him to succeed in what they saw fit, not what John truly wanted to do. 

“I’m so happy you turned up! Don’t say that… Why on earth would you think that? I’ve wondered what you were doing every day since you disappeared off the radar. Though I stopped asking the others when they were so closed about it. I should really ask Scotty why he never gave you those letters… Is he picking you up later?”

“No, he's kinda busy. Army stuff. I'm just going to take the bus since I'd have to resit a drivers test here despite having one for another country.”

John had always regarded his closest brother so highly, always impressed by his spontaneity and free spirited mind. It had cut deep to watch how their mother’s death had affected Gordon so badly that when their father had pushed him to compete in the Olympics, he had broken down and almost drowned in his grief.

There was more to Gordon’s unexplained absence than he was letting on. It hurt John somewhat to think that his brother did not want to share his worries and now seemed desperate to get away. 

“So there’s nothing stopping you from hanging out here for a bit?” John asked hopefully, trying not to sound as excited as he felt, “It would be much more fun to talk to you than to listen to my dorm mates organise their party…”

Gordon blushed. He couldn't have helped himself if he tried. “T-that’d be great! Though I haven't had lunch yet, I sort of had to waste time today in applying for a study visa.” That was a lie but right now that sounded way cooler than a green card to allow him to work there, which may get rejected anyway. Maybe he COULD get a study visa? Scott didn't say he couldn't, did he?

“So...how about you show me around town a little? Like maybe see the sights of Florida? Maybe we could go and get some grub in a bar?”

John grinned broadly as he sat up, “Brilliant! I’ve not had anything to eat today either, I’ll just get changed then we can head off.”


	4. Want to be more than a liar

Later that evening, Scott looked up from his kitchen table as Gordon wandered in, his head hung low in thoughts that looked quite pained.

“How'd you go?” He asked politely. “You didn't get lost did you?” 

Gordon shook his head, choosing to avoid Scott and head straight for his metaphorical prison cell feeling as if he was dragging his heart along the floor by its blood vessels 

The day didn't go as he hoped.

John was so innocent, so damn successful and perfect, Gordon wanted nothing more than to throw himself off the balcony the second he arrived because the entire afternoon all he did was lie to his sibling's face, pretending to be this amazing person John still thought of him as just to keep the sweet blonde man smiling.

He felt dirtier than ever.

What's more the whole time he was entertaining thoughts that were gross and disgusting...but ignored the consequences of the obvious implications.

Gordon was sexually attracted to John.

It'd be different if he had met him just in the street, got to know him and never have either of them be any wiser about them being brothers… but no, Gordon had introduced himself as such and so had John completely null and voiding his on sight attraction

The only reason he didn't was the little voice shouting back, ‘John missed you, don't you DARE disappoint him more than you already have by letting him find you dead and with no one around to paint you in any good light. Your lying to keep him happy, keep him safe…..but you won't lie forever.’

Gordon looked at the room full of books and started scanning them, pulling free things in animal behavior, marine sciences, biology - whatever seemed to link together - opening them on the floor, grabbing scraps of paper and a pen off the desk and started to read, to take notes of everything he stupidly opened his mouth to talk about that afternoon so he couldn't just fudge his way through his obvious gaps in his knowledge next time John asked him questions about his lie he told involving looking into studying in the states. If he was going to tell fucking whoppers he was going to make them believable.

All because he hoped that soon...he might see John again.

After hours of struggle and making his brain hurt with information overload he fell into a fitful sleep in his sleeping bag, his brain fighting the conflict of his fantasies of wanting to be seduced by the magnificent being that was his younger brother, wanting to kiss him all over, touch his skin to make him shiver with anticipation and being able to make love to him all night long.

As Scott headed for bed, he poked his head into the study and saw all the books open and stacked on the floor with pages of torn and crumpled paper full of scrawling, messy notes surrounding his younger brother who looked trapped in some sort of nightmare in his dreams.

Scott wondered if Gordon was freaking out now he'd seen how successful everyone else was, desperate to catch up despite the fact he was always forever going to be behind them all in their shadows.

His heart felt a ping or remorse. Gordon really wanted to make this damn chance he got work, that was clear but Scott knew full well he was long since left in the dust.

Maybe he could do something about it, maybe offer him an option? It couldn't hurt to at least help Gordon reclaim some lost education even if he may never get to use it in his life.


	5. Hostiles

John sat in his bed with his fingernail tapping impatiently against the bone china cup filled with scalding bergamot green tea. Sleep had not come easily last night, his thoughts filled with the confident stranger that had appeared at his dormitory door. When he finally did drift off into a restless sleep, he awoke to find himself covered in his own release after dreaming of a lustful encounter with the handsome strong young man that was supposedly his brother. 

He felt bitter twinges of disgust with his own thoughts and was desperately confused by his abhorrent desires to be intimate with Gordon. There was a strange disconnected feeling between them, as if they were long lost childhood friends that had reunited after years apart. 

Gordon was an enigma to John, his mysterious disappearance from his life all those years ago not quite adding up. The intriguing aura of the older man was irresistible to the young blonde Tracy. The compliments Gordon had paid him had only served to fuel his attraction. The way he had stood up against John’s room mate and been so confident in his own skin to openly admit his sexuality. 

There had been one benefit to his lack of sleep, having used the time to finish the coursework he had been assigned and originally planned to complete over the next few days. 

Having already taken a cold shower and gotten dressed, John was unsure of what to do, only knowing he wanted to see Gordon again.

Finishing his tea, John grabbed his black leather jacket and left his dormitory and headed off campus towards the bus station. After almost two hours of waiting, travelling on and switching busses, John found himself at the bottom of the road that lead to Scott’s apartment on the outskirts of the city.

Stuffing his hands nervously into his jacket pockets, John trapsed up the road and into the swanky apartment building. Climbing the stairs, he could feel his stomach fluttering with the sensation of a thousand butterflies beating their wings in unison.

John knocked on the door loudly, heart beating heavily against his sternum.

He was greeted by Scott in nothing but his boxer shorts. 

Scott blinked in surprise. “John? What are you doing here? Thought you were too busy to drop around anymore with uni and your pending NASA internship application.”

John visibly cringed as the tired twenty one year old scratched his family jewels, not caring about who saw and unaware of the annoyance radiating off his seventeen year old sibling.

“Oh for God’s sake, can you not?” John groaned as he deliberately averted his head away from Scott, his British accent still strong, “I’ve finished all my assignments and have got no lectures until Monday, was figuring I could crash here for the next few days?”

Scott frowned and shrugged. “New dorm buddies again?” He asked as he let John inside. “Room is same state as you last left it, Alan isn't here on holidays and…” he tossed up for a minute or two before adding, “I have a new house mate so will be getting him some gear for his room today, if he gets up.”

“I can deal with my dorm mates just fine,” John huffed as he sat down on one of the chairs, “New house mate? What do you mean?” He asked inquisitively, wondering why Scott wasn’t mentioning their brother.

“Gordon's here from Australia. I dunno how long he's staying, hopefully not too long ‘cause I can't have all three of you here two weeks before Christmas when I'm off to the Ukraine.”

John’s face twitched slightly as Scott sat down across the table from him. Since when was Gordon a house mate and not a brother? He stuffed his hands further into his pocket before pulling out a lighter and fidgeting with the striker wheel, causing the flint to spark. 

“I’m sure we’d be able to look after ourselves in your absence.”

“Pfft yeah right, like I trust my apartment in the hands of three teenagers.” Scott rolled his eyes. “I'd have to drag Virgil out here.”

“Oh give it a rest, what do you think we’d do?” John snorted, igniting a flame from the lighter, “Where is he then? Gordon I mean… He staying in Alan’s room?”

“In the study. He arrived unexpectedly so I don't have anything here for him yet or set it up Only has one pair of clothes…”

“He traveled light.” Scott sniffed the air. “John you know my landlord's rules, smoke outside on the balcony don't hide your lit fags in your pockets.”

“It’s just one I had at the bus stop on the way over, never got to finish it so I stubbed it and pocketed it for later… Don’t give me that look, Scotty,” John slid out of his seat and opened the door to the balcony, slamming it shut behind him causing Scott to sigh and roll his eyes again.

Scott wandered down the small hallway and opened the door to the study where Gordon was still asleep and curled up in a ball. Between the two of them and how close in age they were Scott swore they got some of their dad's wilder genes without any from their mother to keep it under control… then there was Alan….

Scott knew he'd have to call Virgil in while he was away, just incase, so he didn't return home there wasn't a apartment building left.

He headed back into the living room and John was back on the couch, reeking of strong menthols. Better than Virgil and dad's cigars he supposed, though whatever was wrong with normal tobacco was a secret none of them let him in on as Scott loved a good puff as much as anyone but would be damned if he'd pay more than five dollars for a cheap packet.

Then he had an idea. It would violate dad's rules but what the hell, he couldn't keep Gordon a secret from John and eventually Alan anyway.

It would get both of them out of his hair while he sorted out that study and do an internet search for colleges that would take foreign ex criminals for Gordon anyway.

“How about you two go for a shopping trip? Maybe show Gordon around, get him actual clothes instead of those shabby dust covered rags. You know a thing or two about fashion.”

“I swear, Scotty,” warned John, his arms folded defensively, “If that’s another dig at my sexuality, I’m leaving.”

“Not everything is about you being out of the closest, John. No one gives a shit anymore. If anything your taste in clothes is beneath mine when it comes to brands but again, this isn't about us… it's about our bozo of a sibling who arrived here with nothing at all.”

John was surprised that Scott was encouraging him to spend time with Gordon given his earlier aversion to even acknowledge him as his brother, though was a little confused with how brash he was about it.

“I’d love to,” John beamed, ignoring some of Scott’s comments. “I haven’t been into the city malls for a while. Do you need anything? Maybe a dressing gown to cover your damn self?” He snorted, looking up at Scott’s raised eyebrows, “No one should have to see you scratching your nads like it’s going out of fashion.”

“Get bent. My apartment so I can walk around in nothing if I please.” Scott snorted. “I generally do but I thought you were the postman.”

He mumbled something else as he headed for the kitchen and shouted at the top of his lungs, “HEY LAZY ASS, GET UP! GOT COMPANY.”

A few minutes passed before Scott started to gear up for another bellow and Gordon stumbled into the living room looking like he had been crying most of the night. “Fucking hellfire ya wanker! Use FUCKING English properly! Supposed to be staying with the PRIME EXAMPLE of social betterment and you can't even tell the fucking difference between an Ass and an Arse ya dickshi-”

Gordon stopped when his bleary eyes registered that there was more than Scott in the apartment.

“Ah fuck…” 

Gordon wasn't ready to see John again, not after yesterday and last night. He only just managed to get to sleep by convincing himself that his attraction to John wasn't real and he was being stupid.

Thank Christ and the high levels of Hell he wasn't standing in his underwear and his loose clothes hid the rock hard erection he now had as John's tall slender and somewhat brooding figure made him have all the joyous uncomfortable feelings again. 

John regarded the disheveled man before him and the butterflies were gone, instead his stomach was somersaulting as he nervously flicked his lighter again. 

Gordon’s sleep-mussed auburn hair caused the embarrassed flush that appeared on his cheeks to stand out against his tanned skin. John couldn’t help but step towards the shorter man and pull him into a loose hug.

“Uhh, morning,” John stuttered as he offered Gordon a smile.

“J-just excuse me one moment…”

Gordon fled for the toilet and shut himself in the tiny little room, biting into his hand. Holy shit, why did he even open his mouth this morning? He just made an absolute arse of himself infront of John, of ALL people!?

Then there was the OTHER problem, though at least there was a cure.

Gordon leaned over the toilet, dropped his trousers and shorts and started to really give himself a harsh tug, until he made a mess into the bowl. 

Oh heck… he had it for John bad!

Resting his head on the top of the cistern he tried to gather the courage to go back and face the sins he so desperately wanted to commit.

It was going to need a great deal of it. 

Heading back after washing his hands, scrubbing them red raw he finally sat down with both Scott and John at the kitchen table and was slided over a coffee and a few pieces of toast. He frowned. The coffee had milk in it and the toast was covered in Vegemite.

“You know we only give this shit to stupid Americans right?”

John sniggered quietly, briefly looking up at Scott’s face as he sipped his coffee. 

“You ungrateful bastard… Don’t eat it then,” Scott mumbled as he shoved a piece of plain buttered toast into his mouth.

“That's fine. Wasn't hungry anyway.” Gordon slid the plate and the mug back over. “Any word from dad?”

Scott shook his head. “Nope.” He replied through mouthfuls of toast. 

Gordon nodded. So it looked like he was permanently stuck here whether he wanted it or not.

Scott cleared his mouth and swigged his coffee. “Johnny is taking you out for the day while I sort out that study. “Can't have you sleeping on the floor forever.”

“Should have let him have my room until you got a bed at least,” John mumbled, placing one of his plain pieces of toast onto Gordon’s plate whilst glaring at Scott. 

Scott sighed as the pair of awkward teenagers sat across the table from him. It hadn’t taken them long to fall back into old habits, only instead of harmless childish jokes, they were brooding emotional black holes. Turns out their closeness had survived the years apart, much to Scott’s surprise, at least Gordon would have someone who was looking out for him. The eldest’s main concern was that Gordon didn’t start to drag John with him if things weren’t to go well.

Scott was slowly losing his patience with the two of them. John’s poncy attitude had been an issue for a while, though his new loud roommates had seemed to take the wind out of his sails a few months back. Gordon however had all the conversational grace of an delirious alcoholic, his harsh language and standoffish tone was certainly going to ruffle plenty of feathers here in the states.

“Well if you're crashing here now and Alan is in a few weeks time, there's not really a bed available long enough.” Scott watched carefully as Gordon even pushed away the toast John offered, possibly aware that John was better educated and brought up than he was and felt like he was being made out as a charity case - a blow to his fluctuating ego. “Besides, I'm sure having you own bed sounds far nicer, hey Gordo?”

Gordon was playing with the hem of his t-shirt, unable to look either sibling in the eyes. There was every chance John knew that he lied now because he had spoken to Scott and now his younger brother was treating him like some ‘pet project’.

He stood without excusing himself and left for the study -his own little room at least for now - to shut the door and throw a few books around in frustration.

They were talking about him right in front of him like he wasn't there! Like he was a dog that needed to be leashed on a walk and have it's poop scooped up when it was just doing what nature tells it to into the little bag of shame that's tied to the leash above his nose height reminding him he's a BAD BOY for just being an animal.

Right now he desperately wanted to be back in prison, at least there people talked to him as a person even if they were only other nutjobs, guards and psychiatrists.

Gordon found his id card in his few possessions they gave to him in his release, stuff so small they fitted in his pockets. The card had his mother's maiden name after his instead of their fathers as after the shame he brought upon himself he demanded if their father was abandoning him to change his last name so he didn't have to feel anymore shame…

It hadn't worked, forever he was going to be related to Jeff Tracy whether he liked it or not

Since their mother died there was such a push for all the boys to be something bigger than themselves, something that only Gordon seemed to crash and burn at.

He would never be a true Tracy.

Eventually he slunk back out of the room into the kitchen where John and Scott were still having a heated discussion.

Gordon coughed politely. “Are you quite done talking about me as if I pissed in the carpet?” He said quietly once he got their attention. “Can we go now?”

John slid out from the table and stood in front of Scott, “Great talk, Scooter,” he mumbled sarcastically before turning to Gordon, “Of course.”

Walking over to the shorter man, John flicked out another menthol cigarette and lit it before raising his middle finger back over his shoulder at Scott.


	6. Unearthing the monster

A little way down the road, John paused as he chipped ash off the smoke and looked up at Gordon.

“Anywhere you want to go?”

There was nothing in the way of a response, Gordon’s posture was sunken and defeated. It was like John was speaking to him in another language, words just not permeating into his brain.

“Are you mad at me?”

Gordon looked up, “Huh? Oh sorry, No not mad. Just don't like being talked about like I'm not human or in the room right in front of me.” He seemed to be staring at the cigarette. “You're like the rest of them, all smoke I see.”

“It’s nice you came around, though I guess Scott has already mouthed off about why I'm here…” his voice faltered. “Look you don't have to be nice to me at all ok? You could tell me to just to fuck off back to the rock I crawled out from, stay out of your life all that jazz.”

Gordon let out a heavy sigh. “As right now that's pretty much where everyone wants me to stay, stay far the fuck away.”

John snorted quickly before looking at Gordon, “I don’t want you to go anywhere,” he stopped himself quickly before carefully thinking of his words, “I don’t feel like I have to be nice, it’s genuinely awesome to have you back! Why on earth would I want you out of my life when you only just got back in it?”

Gordon's expression softened and he scratched his arm, eyes darting away as he blushed. “You're the only one, then.” the rest of him seemed to relax along with his defences. “No one's wanted anything to do with me for years and now they’re stuck with me so they are even more confused. Life's a bitch.”

He started to walk ahead a bit towards the bus stop before turning around. “So you going to take me clothes shopping or what? I don't have any money, dad's taken all of those privileges away.”

John smiled as he walked up and put his arm around Gordon’s shoulder, “I’m glad you’re back, Clownfish,” he grinned, “It’s a couple of bus trips to get to the mall, then we’ll get you whatever you want, could grab you some food too.”

“Sounds good mate.” Gordon slung an arm around John's waist in return. “Just don't pick on my fashion sense ok? I'm not into expensive clothes...gotta be practical or it's not worth it.”

“You can choose whatever you want.”

When they arrived at the mall, John noted how Gordon shifted uncomfortably as they entered the vast building filled with hundreds of shops. John himself was never a fan of being in large groups of people, he understood Gordon’s aversion to it, especially if he had come from a less populated area. The bustling of people made John shift instinctively closer to Gordon, fearful of losing sight of the shorter man.

“Do people still carry guns around here?” Gordon asked, clearly edgy, eyes hunting around nervously. “Not up to speed with life in the states.”

“Yes,” John replied sadly, “It’s always baffled me I must admit… You going to be ok?”

John stopped and gently gripped Gordon’s shoulders so that he could see his nervous darting caramel eyes. He smiled softly at the older boy and gestured to a nearby clothing store.

“Let’s try in here for you.”

Gordon eyed the shops name suspiciously. “Who the fuck is Giorgio Armani?” He then saw the outfits in the shop window and recoiled. “Er, you wouldn't happen to have a less wanky up yourself shop around here?”

“Uhh… I’ve got a few things from in there myself,” John muttered as he dug his hands into his pockets once more and looked around at other shops, “Why don’t you pick somewhere that you’re a little more comfortable with?”

Feeling a little self conscious, John stood back as Gordon wandered around, looking on at the shops around them with a distinct look of distaste. He wasn’t sure what he had expected to happen by offering to help Gordon out, maybe he would be impressed by his clothes or something stupid like that. The desire to be close to the interesting young man ahead of him, sticking out from the crowd in John’s eyes as they moved slowly through the mall. 

Fighting his feelings back down, John slinked on after Gordon as he continued to look on at the stores with disapproval. 

“I'm really surprised that in a beach city like Florida there isn't any - oh hello…”

Gordon stood in front of a large horrendous Hawaiian themed surf shop and while he openly cringed at the design of the store the bright clashing clothing called out ‘personality’. Interestingly to John's mild surprise, Gordon avoided the gaudy racks of flamingo patterned shirts and found some bright shirts with weird crude artworks that reminded John of tattoos.

Gordon also started looking into more dressier shirts and pulled out some classy ones with patterns of seahorses, starfish, sharks and one with stingrays. He smiled with his choices and held them up to show John. “This is more liked it! I love Dangerfield!” 

John grinned in response, unable to stop himself as the excitement spreading across Gordon’s face was infectious. “I really like those… You’ll look great in them,” John blushed slightly as he looked down at the floor, clearing his throat. “I mean… Uhh… They’re more colourful than I had expected.”

Gordon didn't quite catch the first comment but brightened at the second one. “That's the whole point. Damn I've missed vibrant colours… it's been too long.”

“Too long? Did you have to wear a uniform at school or something?” John queried as he took the shirts from Gordon and folded them carefully across his arm. “Anything else you want to get in here?”

Gordon shook his head. “Pants I can get anywhere. Uh… you're looking at me funny...what's wrong?” Gordon sniffed his clothes he was wearing. “Ok so they smell but you would too if you wore them for three days.. Why are you sniggering?”

“It’s not that…” John snorted, covering his face with his free hand, “Just wondered if you were starting a new trend over there.” 

Reaching across to Gordon’s confused face, John shifted a stiff stray strand of shining auburn hair that had shifted into what could only be described as a rhino horn in the centre of his forehead, flattening it back down against his head.

“That’s better,” John giggled as his hand lingered close to Gordon’s face, before awkwardly snapping it back.

“Oh, here I was thinking you thought Scott was going to have an aneurism seeing what you let me purchase.” Gordon smiled wickedly at the idea. “Don't suppose you know how else I can achieve that while I'm staying?”

“Yeah, prepare yourself for shitty attempts at insults when he sees them. Oh, there’s plenty of ways to piss him off,” John smirked as he walked through the store towards the tills, flicking his hair out of his face. “Anything I do seems to to press the wrong buttons pretty quick… Smoking, drinking, parties, clothes that aren’t from a high end brand and at least three hundred dollars per item, anything that makes him feel like less of a man in his own apartment… You should see him when Virge visits, it puts his back right up because he gets out-manned real quick.”

“I guess then...maybe I should tone the shirts down…” Gordon hesitated and started looking at the racks again.

Drinking, smoking and parties? Gordon glanced at John who was too preoccupied flirting with the cashier bloke who was clearly doing it back. Was this really the John he was made to leave behind in London in his exile? A part of Gordon wanted to be sick. Ok so he had an attitude problem of his own but when your an ex con you're entitled to it...John was just acting like a pretentious spoiled brat.

Gordon should have listened when Scott said not to bother with his other brothers, his heart sinking with the thought that he knew nothing about any of them and that they were all stuck up snobs. He sighed heavily, frowning at the racks. It was obvious as mud that he no longer belonged in their world.

He flicked John another glance and cursed as now his younger brother was exchanging phone numbers and blowing the stranger a kiss. 

THAT SHOULD BE MY KISS.

He realised what he was thinking and dove into the center of the circular rack before John saw how angry that exchange had made him, jealousy fueling his behavior and thoughts.

The thing was, he had no right to be envious of John, his good looks and ability to easily openly flirt with strangers, his higher education and well just about everything that screamed ‘privileged bastard’. Only people with money scoffed the way John did and Gordon just wanted to hide in embarrassment. Maybe it was the accent? English accents sounded condescending sometimes without meaning to be so. He couldn't talk, his was blunt and always sounded sarcastic, even when he wasn't trying to be.

Why the hell did he care anyway? John's a grown up can act like however he wants!

But that didn't fix the hole Gordon was feeling inside, the sweet innocent little kid that used to follow him everywhere like a little adorable duckling. Where did that kid go?

This John, was not his John… not the one he remembered.

Grinning stupidly, John turned around with the bags of shirts for Gordon only to see his sibling had gone. Frowning, the young blonde man wandered back around the store searching in the changing rooms before heading back over to where they had been looking at shirts together.

Assuming his sibling had gone off to a different store, John aimlessly pushed through the shirt rack to see if there were any more of the ones similar to the ones Gordon had chosen. Stepping forward to support the bag against his leg, his foot kicked something underneath the hanging clothes and a small noise was heard. Craning his neck over the top of the circular rack and looked through the clothes to see a pair of angry amber eyes staring up at him.

“What are you doing?”

Gordon looked away from John's clearly annoyed stare. “Trying to become invisible. Is it working?”

John sighed in frustration as he pulled the clothes to one side to make an exit for Gordon, embarrassment flushing his cheeks knowing the cashier could see them. “Get out from there, please.”

Gordon sighed. “Yes boss.” He then gave John a mock salute before crawling out of the clothing rack and proceed to give the starting cashier the finger. “Take a picture, lasts longer.” He growled before storming out the shop, away from a world he no longer belonged to and straight into another one he didn't fit at all. Square peg, round hole. 

Hurrying out of the shop in pursuit of his sibling, John finally caught up with Gordon in a quieter area of the mall where he was stood with his fists clenched. John was starting to wonder what had happened to the fun loving carefree sibling that Gordon once was, replaced with an unreasonable and resentful young man. There was an oppressed attitude that screamed a sense of mistreatment, Gordon being quick to put up defenses when feeling threatened, even when no such threat was present.

“What is your problem?” John hissed, prodding Gordon’s shoulder. “I’m just trying to help you here… What are you running from?”

“Help me? That's rich!” Gordon snapped. “You're so damn privileged you know that? You have no idea how BAD AS SCOTT you are only putting up with me like I'm some kind of charity case! I saw through those fake smiles! You can't tell me you actually WANT my company you just a wingman! Just FORGET IT! I DON'T NEED YOU OR SCOTT GIVING ME FAKE PITY.” The last words were delivered in a very explosive shout before he stormed off again to try and find somewhere to try and shut himself down. 

His head was a mess and his heart was constantly arguing with it adding to his confusion and after the last two years he was not equipped to fully be shoved out into a place he knew jack shit, was worth nothing and expected to fail all over again like before….

He was in the very verge of a breakdown, itching to just steal a car and do a runner…

Stunned at Gordon’s irrational outburst, John made to follow him before deciding that pushing him may exacerbate the already heated temper of this unknown stranger in his life. Gone was the brother who was always keeping an eye out for him, always kind and patient with his feelings and would never have compared John to Scott of all people. John had been genuinely thrilled to have his closest brother return, to be told he was being fake and treating his brother as a charity case cut deeper than he thought it would. Rolling his shoulders cheerlessly, John decided to search around some shops for more items of clothing based off of Gordon’s purchases in the bag he had. 

After picking out several similar shirts from various stores around the mall, John grabbed a number of boxers and pairs of socks before heading to choose some pants and shoes. Basing his size selections on estimations of Gordon’s height compared to his own, John was at least satisfied they would fit around the shorter man’s hips even if they ended up being a little too long. 

Numerous bags in hand, the young blonde made his way to grab a coffee before taking a seat close to the only way in and out of the mall, hoping that Gordon hadn’t already made a break for it. He sighed and settled himself into the bench, pulling out his phone and aimlessly faffing with it to keep himself amused.

John was struggling to figure out the pieces of the puzzle that had torn his sibling away from him and replaced him with an angry and capricious person whom he barely recognised anymore. The conflict between the heartache he felt for the loss of his beloved sibling, and the curious attraction to the impulsive and hot-headed young man was puzzling and complex to say the least.

Gordon roamed around the carpark for a while, pacing up and down resisting the urge to re offend. He was better off behind solid concrete walls, confined spaces.. At least being there he knew that he was at least better than someone else, even if it was because he wasn't a mindless killer.

But that was just it, if that's all everyone else saw then why should he think the same? Why not aspire to be great?

Because there was no one to catch him if he failed again. If he screwed up he was one hundred percent on his own.

He didn't deal with it well the first time, spiraling down that narrow crack of self hate and distrust of others which ended with him in jail in the first place. He should be rightfully dead in a gutter somewhere.

And who's fault was that?

Gordon headed back into the shopping center, ducking into a lolly shop and with a great amount of skill and practice of something he should have forgotten to do he managed to shoplift several different boxes of chocolates and a chocolate rose all right under the shopkeepers nose. 

Keep them talking, act like you've got money, smile and they don't even register you've left without paying until you’re long gone. People skills and manipulation, that's how you sell glass as diamonds.

He eventually wound up standing over John who was still engrossed in his phone surrounded by bags which probably had his own clothes shopping in after Gordon told him to get stuffed, no longer caring about helping him anymore.

Gordon knew he had to stop shoving people away… he just didn't know how.

He shoved the chocolate rose under John's nose.

“Truce.”

Jumping slightly, John looked up at the red foil wrapped rose and then to Gordon as he stood awkwardly in front of him, eyeing him suspiciously. 

“Truce…” John sighed, carefully taking the rose from Gordon’s outstretched arm. “Did you want food before we go? I’m ready to get out of here whenever you are.”

Gordon handed him the other boxes of chocolates. “I think we're good.”

John gathered the bags together, slipping the chocolates into one of them and the rose into his coat pocket before standing. “You still saying I need to gain weight, huh?” He snorted as he walked towards the doors of the mall.

“No. I just feel like an arse and hoped they'd pass as an apology… take them with you on your date with that shop assistant.” Gordon said quietly. “He was sort of cute… you like them tall, dark and handsome, huh?”

“You jealous?” John smirked before looking at Gordon’s shocked reaction, “That I got the guy’s number?”

“Huh? Hell no! I just didn't seem to think you had a ‘type’.” Gordon faltered. He shouldn't have been surprised, no one liked people who were short - they needed to have the bells and whistles and the hunky fakarouni six pack to match and a dick the length of the forearm. “Stupid of me to assume such.”

“I don’t have a ‘type’, Gordon,” John sighed, smiling at the shorter man, “I won’t be going on a date with the guy, he’s in the same course as me at Uni… Just offered to help him with his assignment was all. No need to panic.” He laughed as he nudged Gordon’s shoulder softly.

“You sure? You looked pretty into him.” Gordon didn't want to outright call him a flirt, he knew where that would lead. “Uh..you know I can carry some of those bags...and probably should.”

John shifted the bag from the first shop they had been in towards Gordon, “You can carry that one if you’d like, the rest are a surprise.” He smiled softly watching Gordon as he picked up the small bag, “I’m sure thanks, was just being polite… Why do you care so much? You’re not going to go full-blown big brother like Scotty are you?”

“I dunno. Do I deserve to? I've been absent from your life a great deal, do I have to right to still be your sibling? I mean I should be asking YOU why you care so much when you clearly know I'm a failure and a black spot of the perfection of our families genes and that I've done nothing to redeem it.” Gordon stared at his shoes again as before unable to look John in the eyes.

“Then I just show up out of nowhere without money to my name or any belongings...clearly I'm a drop kick loser so...why? Why do you bother? On that note, Why should you a young bloke with dreams, financial security, a future and a place you belong want to throw it all away on cigarettes, alcohol and parties? I just don't ‘get’ you.”

“We stopped being family the day dad cut my funding in the institute of sport after the Olympics and ended up in Adelaide. If I'm the reason you want to do...all this to yourself then I failed being an example of what happens to sons who waste our father's time.” Gordon stopped walking and looked up at John.

“I didn't spend years exiled in a hell hole to come back unannounced, nor did I spend it only to come back and see what a spoiled ungrateful person you are about your privileged position in getting the best of everything. It fucking hurts.”

“But, I have no right to tell you squat so it's doesn't matter right? I mean we no longer share the same last name so we're no longer related.” Gordon dug into his pocket and pulled out his id card for John to see. Sure enough it had their mother's last name on it instead of their fathers.

“Mom’s name…” John stood still with his mouth agape as Gordon showed him the id card, his mind reeling from the man’s words. Is that what he really thought of him? 

“So much for your ‘truce’, Clownfish,” John huffed as his figure slouched, Gordon’s words like little pinpricks of pain in his heart. “Yeah, being forced to fit into dad’s future plans is a great way to spend your life… Being treated like a child, like you don’t understand what they’re saying as they lay your life out before you… Hell, even Alan is treated like an adult more so than me! So what if I go to the occasional party? It’s the only time I can pretend that I’m not the awkward nervous wreck I really am!”

John shifted the bags in his hands uncomfortably as he looked at the floor. “I don’t really know where you’ve been, what life has done to you… But I still love you, regardless of whatever happened. I was so excited to see you when you rocked up at my dorm, finally here was someone I WANTED to see! Someone who wouldn’t try to push me in the way that every fucker else does! But maybe I was wrong...”

Gordon felt worse than he had before. He couldn't tell John the whole truth as that wouldn't be protecting him at all. “You didn't want me to be a big brother like Scott so I'm not going to take any of that back. I'm asking as the bloke who cocked up at the biggest event of my life and have spent years of having everyone around me tell me I'm an utter fuck up. I'm asking as the one person who hoped you got everything you wanted, support, love and attention to grow up as something I could never be.”

He swallowed hard. “I'm also asking the sweet little duckling I used to know what went wrong..and if all this - this shitty behavior an attitude is all my fault. My fault for fucking up in front of millions of people and shaming everyone but most of all, breaking you…”

Blinking at Gordon, John opened his mouth to respond before pausing to hold his attitude back. “You didn’t make me ashamed of you… I could NEVER be ashamed of you! You being sent away was so hard, I didn’t know what to do… The way I act now is not your fault, don’t blame yourself for my ‘shitty’ attitude… Being belittled and babied by everyone has done enough. Seeing you again has been the highlight of the last few years, don’t put so much blame on yourself for stuff that was out of your control!”

John dumped the bags onto the floor and ignored his head as he pulled Gordon into a tight hug, burying his head into the crook of the shorter man’s neck.

“I’ve missed you so damn much! Stop saying you’re this failure… You’re not! So what if we’re not brothers anymore? You’re just as important to me, if not more so now than you ever were…” John trailed off as he felt Gordon’s muscles tighten under his embrace, and snake around him until he was getting it in return.

“I understand. I'm sorry, will keep my stupid mouth shut in future.” Gordon whispered. He let go of John hurriedly as the longer he held him the more awkward it felt and after blurting out that they were not legally related anymore even though the genetically were started to make things blur into all avenues of weird.

Gordon picked up half the bags despite John's protests, assuring him he wouldn't look and both of them headed back to Scott’s building in a very uncomfortable silence.


	7. The innocent creature

Gordon rolled over at the sound of someone entering his temporary room which now had a bed, though it was clearly a children's single as his feet reached the end of the bed but nevertheless it was better than the floor.

“John? What are you doing in here? You went to bed hours ago.” Gordon mumbled tiredly.

Without words John walked over and nudged Gordon to get him to shove across on the tiny bed to make room before lying down beside him, facing his back to him.

Gordon blinked a little confused but pulled the blankets up anyway.

John caught Gordon’s hand as he was adjusting the covers and drew the older man’s arm around his own chest, pulling him closer. 

Finally relaxing, John’s breathing settled down as they lay in the narrow bed. He had been lying in his bed tossing and turning until, when he finally succumbed to sleep, a terrifying nightmare had awoken him and filled his mind with fears of Gordon leaving him again. John being left alone once more without his closest friend, walking through a sweltering desert of failure and disappointment that he felt for himself. 

Wanting to make sure that the redhead was still there, John had thought long and hard about his next actions before finally giving into his heart and venturing into the small room.

Gordon’s heart raced. This… this wasn't happening right? It was a dream, another stinking dream….

At least, until John farted.

Gordon let out a very annoyed sound swearing John was holding him in place as payback for being a total bastard at the shops.

Ok so he deserved it but seriously John, you just HAD to eat that tin of beans along with dinner didn't you?

Well at least it wasn't a dream...and that the tall and very attractive person that was John was lying in his bed, with him still in it.

Gordon was sweating and hyperventilating, unsure what to do.

John was shaking with silent stifled laughter as he felt Gordon squirm behind him. He tugged Gordon’s arm closer around his torso and shuffled backwards on the tiny bed. He took Gordon’s silence as acceptance of his presence and nestled his head into the pillow as he settled down.

Gordon could feel John's grip on him loosen so he shifted himself into a more comfortable position and with his free hand started doing something he hadn't done to John since they were seven - brushing his platinum coloured hair with his fingers and twirling them between each one. Was it really that long ago since his younger and closest aged sibling crawled under his sheets?

John used to all the time when they were little, him being the smaller, scrawnier on out of them all, the boy who was born early by accident due to stress on their mother but still survived and grew up following Gordon everywhere like his twin and a shadow, a little blonde duckling that he protected for even their parents when he was sick, wanting to do everything for his tiny brother.

Gordon knew he had to stop thinking about the John he was made to leave behind and get used to the dark and unknown person in his arms… how he was going to do that he wasn't sure but on paper they we're no longer family so…

Maybe Gordon could get to know him better another way.

Through the half-conscious limbo state of almost sleep, John could feel gentle hands threading rhythmically through his hair. If he’d had been thinking more clearly, John may have been more apprehensive of being in bed with a man who, for all intensive purposes, was a total stranger. The brother who had been snatched away from him all those years ago had been replaced by a haunted and troubled young man who only seemed to entice John further into his confused and blurred thoughts.

There was an odd attraction, a slightly disconcerting unease, an alluring attraction but most notably, a strong desire to be close to this handsome person masquerading as his brother.

His brother had been the light of his life when they were kids, the pair of them getting up to all sorts of mischief and antics, mostly at the expense of their immediate older and younger brothers. Scott wasn’t completely immune from the jokes and pranks though, it was just that he was often the first to retaliate and never did so with the same light-hearted fun as Gordon and John. 

After the Olympics, John had desperately tried to keep himself close to the memory of his closest sibling by making jokes no one laughed at and attempting pranks that ended with him being scolded for being an irresponsible and childish irritant. John’s love and excitement for life had been slowly strangled out of him as his family focused more on shaping his life out before him, choosing his path and ignoring his protests. 

Spending the delicate early days of his teenage years having what should have been his choices dictated to him and reinforced by Scott. Virgil had tried to resist the pressure from their father and the eldest to urge John’s future upon him before he finally relented and buried himself in school work. Alan had been too young and spoilt to bother helping John, being doted upon and given opportunities none of his siblings had ever been given. 

University was the first time where John could truly express himself and the frustration he felt towards his family, developing a harder skin to protect the uncertainty he felt and his friable self-confidence. It had been difficult to transition from the safety of his comfort zone in England to the harsh and loud world of the states. It had caused the walls around himself to grow taller and an angry moody teenager to form around the sweet and kind hearted young man trapped away within the confines of his own mind.

Curling his body up and relaxing further into the comforting touch of Gordon’s hand in his hair, John pulled the covers round his chest like a small chrysalis. A small soft purring sound filled into the silent air. John’s lithe body shifted backwards into the shared warmth until it was flush against Gordon’s in the small single bed.


	8. The keepers thoughts

“What's this?” Gordon asked as Scott dumped a wad of papers in front of him while he was trying to eat breakfast. He had left John to sleep, his younger sibling seeming at peace for the time being.

Gordon wished he was the same. He lay awake the entire night not only trying to keep whatever nightmares John was having at bay but having his own internal conflict with what was right and wrong with him, his feelings...his emotions…

“These are university applications, Gordo.” Scott frowned. “Getting you a job with your unfinished level of education is tricky enough, police record or not. I took the liberty of researching and making a few calls to find out who is willing to take someone your age fresh out of prison. Luckily you’re not dangerous to anyone but yourself so that left a few places open that still require a police and mental assessment towards your favour.”

He sat opposite his younger sibling. “Just trying to help, Gordo. You need to be given the fair chance everyone else gets.”

Gordon looked at the papers before looking at Scott. “Thank you.”

“Don't mention it.”

Slipping out of the small room as quietly as he could, John trudged through the apartment towards the table where his brothers were sat. Scott looked a little more relaxed than the previous day as he gulped his coffee, sat across the table looking at Gordon with concern. 

As John took a seat between them, he noticed that Gordon’s posture was one of fatigue. A feeling of guilt settled in John’s chest as he observed the darker skin that framed his drooping eyes.

“Morning,” John mumbled, staring at the paperwork that Gordon was fiddling with before he shifted it from the table.

Gordon nodded before replying “Morn’ Sunshine. Rest ok?”

John ran a hand through his mussed platinum hair, smoothing the unruly fluff back into place. His old t-shirt hung loosely from his slim frame, the pale blue shorts far too large for his narrow hips.

“Better than I have for a while,” John muttered as he looked up at Gordon, “And you?”

“Going to take a while, not used to a bed.” Gordon admitted.

“Why don't you go have a look at some of those now Gordon? Check them out and make a few phone calls?” Scott promoted.

“Yeah.. Suppose I should see what they're going to have open to me.” Gordon said a little dejected. “They don't require a high school pass or anything silly like that?”

Scott shook his head. “I checked. They're all community ones so they're more open to the idea of people returning for higher education from all walks of life.”

“Oh like a technical school?”

“Erh...if that's the Aussie equivalent then yeah...a tech college.”

John regarded as his brothers continued to exchange their conversation as if he wasn’t to know what was really being said. Though this sort of behaviour was typical of Scott, he was surprised that Gordon was so keen to keep something from him. Feeling isolated from the conversation, John slid out from his seat and headed to pour himself a coffee before heading to the balcony, picking up the packet of cigarettes as he left.

It would be better to leave the room than to be treated as if he wasn’t there at all. Placing the coffee down on the wall, John leant his elbows forward as he took a drag from the cigarette. He was trying not to take it too personally, after all, there was likely a reason that Gordon was being so guarded, even if it was something that John was just going to have to get used to. 

It wasn't long before Scott slipped outside beside him to light a hand rolled smoke of his own. “So,” he said casually, “What's on the agenda today since this is your last day your gracing me with your presence for however how long... Unless you ARE hanging around until Alan comes before Christmas.”

John took a sip of his coffee, “I can head back to Uni if you want me out of your hair,” he offered, looking out towards the city, “Wouldn’t want to be here if I’m overstaying my welcome.”

“Well, you wouldn't really be. I wouldn't keep yours and Alan's rooms the way you left them if you were not welcome...it just Gordon I'm worried about. I've had you and Alan stay here alone before, however I haven't seen Gordon as long as you have. I don't know if I can fully trust him. Dad’s only told me a few things about him and none of it I like but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, even if it's hard for me to do so.”

Scott coughed as he exhaled and then got a lungful of cold air. “He's got nowhere to go. This might be his last chance after being buffered around alone for a long time, I can't be a total fuckwad about him wanting to be better than what I think he is.”

“You shouldn’t be so hard on him,” John muttered as he looked up at his eldest brother, “He’s clearly trying hard to adapt to being here, must be difficult after being away from us for so long…”

John glanced back through the glass doors to see that Gordon was no longer sat at the table, “He just needs time I guess… And if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll crash here a little longer. I will go on the bus and get some more clothes from my dorm later, unless you feel like going for a drive?”

“That might be an idea. Supposed to start getting colder later today. Besides, Gordon might need that time alone to make some serious phone calls.” Scott stubbed out his smoke on the balcony railing. “He didn't finish school so he's got to find somewhere to take the extra he missed and since education here is different, it'll be hard to work out what he knows and still needs.”

“Thanks, Scotty,” John offered, flicking his cigarette out over the balcony earning a tutting noise from the older man, “Why didn’t anyone tell me where he was for all these years?”

Scott shrugged. “Again I only know what dad told me. I'm in the dark about most of it other than the list of stupid reasons dad's given me and already I've broken four of his imposed restrictions because I think they're utter bullshit. Unless Gordon wants me to tell you anything I can't, but again I'd be still leaving things unanswered because even I've got no fucking idea.” 

“Oh…” John looked up at his brother’s face guiltily, “I didn’t realise you were none the wiser. Thank you for letting me crash here, I really do appreciate it,” he sighed slightly before looking at his cigarette packet, “Sorry for being an arse.”

“Your a teenager. It's what you do.”

“Thanks,” John snorted, opening the door back into the apartment, “You should be nicer to me, I’ll be the one helping to choose your nursing home.”

“Heh, no you'll be choosing Virgil’s though he has lost alot of that chubby puppy fat he had for the last month or more. Dad's really working the poor bastard hard. Be grateful you've got me living out here with the airforce as there's even some shit I'd never wish on on anyone, even on ‘luckless Brian’ in there.” He indicated back inside to where Gordon was now pacing around on his old crappy cordless phone he kept in the unit. 

“Virgil, you and Alan deserve better… unsure about him though but I wouldn't dare wish his life till now on anyone.”

Stepping back into the warm of the apartment, contemplating his brother’s words, John headed towards the bathroom to grab a shower before pausing to turn to back to Scott. “I’ll be ready in about twenty minutes if that’s alright?”

Stepping under the warm stream of water, John relaxed against the tiles as he thought about what it was that Gordon had really been doing for the past few years if he hadn’t finished his schooling. It wasn’t going to be something that John pushed for information on, it wasn’t his business after all… But he did hope that maybe Gordon would trust him enough to open up to him one day about it. 

Towelling himself off after his shower, John wrapped the pale bath sheet around his hips and exited the bathroom with his nightclothes under his arm. Looking up at his brothers stood by the phone, he smiled at them both.

“Good luck with your phone calls, Clownfish,” he grinned kindly before turning to Scott, “I’ll just chuck some clothes on and I’ll be ready to go.”

Gordon covered the phone's receiver and asked, “You leaving already? Oh…”

“Will be back later, we’re just going over so I can pick up some more clothes and sort out some things at Uni.”

Gordon slowly nodded. It seemed to suffice. Besides, John had a life to go back to even if he didn't want to stay. He had no reason to keep him from it. He waved them both off and stared at the closed apartment door longer than necessary before slumping on the couch and going back to going through another verbal interview, visa and police checks. His brothers were at least trying hard not to remind him he fucked his own life up but the phone calls were tipping it back again. If he holed himself up tonight instead of eating dinner he hoped they'd both understand that his self worth was being put through the ringer again so soon.

He was never going to get used to it.

Pulling up to the university campus car park, John extracted himself from the lowered red sports car that Scott drove and poked his head back through door, “I won’t be long.”

“Wait,” Scott called after the younger man, “Do you want me to come with you? Give you a hand?”

“Uhh… No thanks, I’ll be alright,” John reassured, not wanting Scott to meet his dorm mates.

Heading up to his dorm room, John let himself in and began collecting his clothes and things together before picking up his assignment to drop into his lecturer’s office on the way back down. He hauled the thick blanket from his bed and folded it up before stuffing it into the bag with everything else. He looked around the room, checking that it had been untouched in his absence before turning to leave.

Scott started stamping his feet to get feeling back into them thinking about how much colder it was going to be when he goes over to the Ukraine. At least some of his siblings will be together for Christmas this year.

His mind wandered a little on what gifts he could leave them to open - Alan probably some bottle rocket and John a new laptop… er…

It occured to Scott that he had no clue what to get his newest addition to the loosely thrown together family Christmas he usually had at his place every year. Had Gordon celebrated the holiday in prison? Did he in the years before that?

He found himself frowning, he began to mentally search his memories internal filing cabinet and came up with very little - though it wasn't to do with his sibling's absence this time but the plain fact that Gordon had been difficult to buy anything for since their mother died. At least when John was in high school in London, Virgil in Canada and Alan in New Zealand he could still send them gifts they all liked...he recalled their father handing back anything that was for Gordon and began to wonder if his sibling really did send them back or just never received them in the first place.

The first Christmas without him was hard, it was the year after their mother died so having neither of them that year left a huge hole in the family Scott did his best to fill. It broke his heart every year since when dad got them all together for that one day of family bonding and reconnection to find Gordon still missing and both John and Alan asking santa to bring him home as a present instead of toys. Alan did stop but John persisted - even when it had just been three of them in the last two years - he would still write on his wish lists at the very top and bottom of the page that he wanted Gordon back.

Scott looked up and sighed, trundling over to help John with his gear. “Forget anything? Like the bathroom sink?”

Laughing slightly, John handed Scott the heaviest bag with blankets and hot water bottles he had. “My lecturer mentioned we might be due snow so I figured I won’t be able to get back here on the bus… Besides, I’ve got gifts in this one…” he held up the large bag slung over his shoulder.


	9. The first sign of reaching out

Setting everything down into his room, John set about unpacking his belongings. Gordon had been absent from the main area of the apartment, leading John to assume that he had faced difficulties with his phone calls and taken refuge in the small room where he was staying. He checked the presents had not been damaged under the weight of his clothes and pulled them out. 

For Alan, John had selected a scale replica of his favourite racing driver’s winning vehicle. For Scott, an engraved hip flask to take with him when he left with the Air Force. For Virgil, a new set of quality brushes after their father had destroyed his old set in a rage a few months back. John was now concerned that the gift he had picked for Gordon after making Scott stop off at the mall on the way back from the campus.

Pulling on a wide-necked jumper as the evening drew in, John slipped on some thick socks and trudged out of his room. Seeing Scott smoking on the balcony under the darkening sky, John padded over and knocked slowly at Gordon’s door.

“You okay in there, Gordon?”

There wasn't any answer. As John opened to door he could see why.

Gordon had fallen asleep amongst the papers, some his scrawling chicken scratched notes with dates, times, and other things John didn’t quite understand since the writing looked like Gordon stabbed every letter out with a knife and let them bleed all over the page. The cordless phone was by his hands which were flopped out in front of him while a gentle snore permeated the silence of the room, along with the very quiet dial tone he could just make out as he reached for the phone to move it.

Gordon looked like utter hell had frozen over and that the devil was enjoying making snowmen with nukes protruding out of it for arms, cherry bombs for eyes and long explosive cord trailing off into the distance 

He gently stirred but didn't rouse, too tired to function. Occasionally he'd mumble something incoherent before shivering.

It wasn't that cold but his skin was all littered with goosebumps, his body used to extreme hot weather all year round and never at temperatures below twenty degrees centigrade. 

Gordon was freezing.

John quickly returned to his room and picked up the vast plush navy coloured blanket he had left folded on the foot of his bed before returning to Gordon and wrapping it tightly around him, careful not to disturb his peaceful rest.

A hand shot out to grab him as he was tidying up the mess, seeking out extra warmth.

Gordon’s hand pulled on the back of John’s jumper, causing the young blonde to to stumble down onto the bed awkwardly. An incoherent grumble below him made John smile as Gordon’s blanket covered arm wrapped around his hips.

Shifting his body, John lay himself down and tentatively wrapped his arms around Gordon’s shivering blanket covered form, pulling the shorter man closer. John huffed in amusement as Gordon nestled in close towards his body.

Due to his height, John’s legs extended far beyond the foot of the bed and it felt unpleasant as his feet hang there aimlessly. Reaching down, he pulled the blanket away from Gordon’s legs. Gingerly, he tucked the bottom leg in between Gordon’s knees and slipped the other leg over the top of the sleeping man’s form, hugging him tighter to keep him warm. 

Resting his chin against Gordon’s silky hair, John slowly blinked his own eyes feeling their weight increase from fatigue. His sleep the previous night had been restless with nightmares and confusing dreams that had rendered his mind exhausted. On his slow descent into sleep, John jerked slightly as a loud snore echoed up from beneath him. Shaking himself awake, he pulled the blanket further over himself and checked once more that Gordon was completely covered.

Feeling the shivering shakes of the older man subside, John finally relaxed as he watched the city lights illuminate the postage stamp of a window across the room. 

John had no idea what drew him so strongly to Gordon, whether it was the separation anxiety he had felt so strongly as a child resurfacing, the excitement of seeing him after so many years or perhaps it was down to the disturbing sexual attraction he was experiencing. He just wanted to do anything to see Gordon’s beaming smile… The one that lit up the entirety of the handsome defined features and made those caramel eyes burn with happiness and mirth.

Drawn from his thoughts, John nestled his cheekbone into the top of Gordon’s forehead, craning to hear what the young man was mumbling and muttering in his sleep.

“J-John…”

Nudging Gordon’s head back gently, John saw in the low light that his sibling was still asleep. He smiled as he snuggled back up to the shorter man and held him close.


	10. More damaged than it looks

It was hours later before Gordon started to awaken, blinking a little in confusion. He had a blanket he had never seen before on his shoulders and the mess the room was in had all been tidied away. He felt a little creeped out seeing as he had awoken alone that someone had been in without his knowledge. It was dark outside meaning both Scott and John would be asleep so Gordon skimmed through the notes he had taken from his endless amounts of phone calls from the day, his voice shaking as he sung to himself, a bad habit he started every time things just got too hard for his emotions to articulate themselves….but he could through some of his favorite pieces of music.

_If I have understood correctly_

_Velocity equals the distance traveled_

_Divided by time_

_I've read every word ever printed_

_On quantum physics_

_And now it is time to try_

_I read your book, I found your notes_

_I dusted this thing off and turned on_

_The key_

_The rumbling motors_

_The buzzing incredible gadgets_

_The hissing electricity_

He sighed, placing all his notes down, long lists of courses he was restricted to because of his mediocre education and some outright refusals because of his criminal record.

_And now the moment has come_

_I'm traveling back in time_

_They're running down the hall_

_I've started the countdown_

_They want me to stop_

_But I don't think so_

_I'm ready to go_

_Let's get the job done_

Gordon wandered out of the dark room and into the pitch black hall that lead to the living room, his voice and his heart rate catching up with itself, memories of living alone most of his teens haunting his every step, his every tentative touch of the wall to guide him into the main apartment rooms. 

_Beyond the paradoxical_

_All the lights are dazzling_

_Pass the planes, and trains, and satellite navigation_

_Pass the time I spent today_

_Through the nearest wormhole_

_In a stunning ball_

_Of white_

_The light explodes and lands on you_

In the dark, his eyes adjusted to the moonlight shining in from the balcony illuminating the living room, his shadowy figure moved like a ghost to hold and inspect Scott’s photos… all the ones where his brother's were all growing up together without him.

_And you're five_

_Always running away_

_And I was dying to kiss you_

_And I_

_I don't want to cry_

_I don't want to see_

_Where the moving van takes you_

_So I travel on_

_Beyond the stars_

_At one hundred and eighty-six thousand miles per second_

_I can fly_

_Forward a few years_

_To nineteen hundred and seventy nine_

_I caught a glimpse of the sky_

One picture he never noticed before was from when their mother was alive, buried at the back. She was as beautiful as he remembered but that wasn't what caught his eye.

_They're coming down the road_

_They're coming to get me_

_I never should have come_

_I hide the time machine_

_I'm running down the hall_

_I think I'm in my old house_

_Pass the place where I grew up_

_Number nine Lake Road_

_Pass the swimming pool_

_And Mable park_

_And past Troy Clifford's house_

_To the Argonaut ?_

_To the fish and chip shop_

_Out the back and down the road_

_To the place I got beat up_

Where all five boys sat together, someone had cut Gordon out of the picture. It looked almost surgical, the cut was so clean. 

_Hey, put that rock down_

_Can't you see he's half your size?_

_Hey, he looks familiar_

_Oh my god, he's me, age nine_

_Put your shoes on_

_And run away from here_

_I can't get involved_

_This is all so weird_

_I'm meeting myself_

_This is all so clear_

Why would Scott do that? Was he that ashamed of Gordon? Or did their father say stuff about him brainwashing them all to the point this weirdness Scott and John had towards him was because they didn’t trust that Gordon would just vanish as fast as he appeared?

_All the things I've lost_

_All the people I've hurt_

_All the times I lied_

_All the moments wasted_

_All I never did_

_All the dreams I had_

_All the things I would change_

_I can change them_

_All the things I've lost_

_All the people I've hurt_

_All the times I lied_

_All the moments wasted_

Gordon put the picture back in it's hiding spot, his heart breaking into little fragments on the floor. How the hell did he stand a chance trying to rebuild his life when no one wanted him to really exist in the same reality as them anymore? He had let them all down. All those years of being the shit kicker listening to abuse from people around him - he wasn't spared an existence of being reminded he was a failure, just shoved aside so that when people did it it went unseen, ignored, the torture something only he was forced to be exposed to with no way out. Why couldn't he still be with his brothers that entire time? Where was his support when he screwed up and needed friends, family and genuine compassion?

There was none. He had been abandoned in the dark with all the monsters, to fight them off all alone without even a stick or a light to help him.

_I'm gonna make right_

_What I did wrong_

_And change how the future has come_

_Through appliance of science_

_I'll take a hold of my enemies_

_Take their obscenities_

_Kiss them, and leave them like lovers who've gone_

_I'll call my dad_

_I'll tell him I miss him_

_And tell my reflection: 'it's not your fault’_

Gordon repeated that last line over and over, the weight of those words like ice cubes in his heart, his body tingling as he shook, not just from the cold but the pure continued existence of his unwanted miserable soul.

Depression was something he struggled with, the pinnacle of that lead to his dangerous behavior with the law. Prison and the help there only just again, shoved everything to one side.

The balcony looked more and more inviting the closer each step he took towards it became the only door that wasn't shut to him, calling him to jump.

Thank fuck Scott has locked it.

Gordon sank to the floor against the glass, alone and in tears - not out of pity or shame but in pure fear that his life was going to end this way, broken and desperate for an exit that he'd put himself through the pain and agony of suicide to do it.

Despite what people say, suicide is not always the cowards way out. Sometimes that option is just as awful on the one contemplating it, wrestling with the consequences and the harsh life for those you leave behind.

But Gordon knew he wouldn't be leaving anyone behind….no one wanted him there in the first place.

Except…

John's warm hug from the day they went shopping. It was so pure, so innocent, Gordon had not expected it nor had he deserved it. John was being nice, inviting him into his world where he even admitted he felt empty and alone.

Then he crawled under the covers that night.

Gordon wasn't aware John's world was so tiny, to him it looked huge, full of endless opportunities and challenges that would be full of high rewards.

Why would someone like that want someone from the darkness to stand beside them in the light?

Gordon got the feeling John didn't just want him beside him either. He wanted his hand to hold too, to remind him that it's safe and that his small world wasn't going to be broken.

That was the problem. Gordon was already causing cracks in the glass of both Scott and John's private bubbles of the universe and reality. He was now in a position that not only would staying cause eventual break but leaving would shatter them into tiny pieces.

Slipping into a fitful sleep against the cold glass in his shorts and t-shirt, thoughts of self harm and verbal abuse and torture fulled his nightmares, trapping him in darkness.

Woken by the sound of muffled banging in the early hours of the morning, John hauled himself out of bed, slipped on a pair of boxer shorts and peered out of his bedroom door into the apartment beyond. Shivering as the cold air licked at his bare skin, John quickly followed the sound of rushed breaths and found Gordon slumped against the doors to the balcony, shaking violently.

Sleepily, he crouched beside Gordon noticing the telling signs of tears and anguish that streaked his sleeping face. John shook his shoulder lightly to rouse him from his restless sleep.

“Gordon? Hey, it’s okay… C’mon, why don’t you sleep in my bed?” John called softly as he leant closer to the sleeping man, “Gordon?”

Gordon stirred and struggled to focus on his younger brother. “J-John? You should be asleep.” He shifted, legs stretching out as he sighed. “Shit I'm still alive… why am I not on the pavement outside?”

He was confused, his brain couldn't think back to the last hour or so, still thinking he had given in to his urges to jump.

John’s eyes widened with shock, hands falling still as Gordon moved stiffly. What sort of nightmares had his sibling been enduring? Composing himself speedily, John slumped forward to his knees and held Gordon’s face in his hands firmly.

“You’re safe here, with me,” John murmured looking into Gordon’s distant eyes. “Of course you’re still alive, I’d be devastated if you weren’t… Now, you need to get up for me, alright? C’mon, Clownfish… need to get you warmed up.”

Straightening up, John helped pull Gordon to his feet before slipping an arm under his arm to support him in his sleep-locked state. Getting into his room, John eased Gordon onto his bed and wrapped the thick duvet around him, standing back as he glanced for his shirt and shorts that he had discarded earlier, unable to find them. 

“John...why are you still caring?” Gordon asked softly as his younger brother crawled in beside him. “I'm not worth your time.”

“Because, Clownfish,” John whispered quietly, “I’ll always care about you… I’ve wished for you to come back from the moment you left. You’ve no idea how important you are to me.”

The younger man drew Gordon’s chilled body towards his bare chest, gasping at how cold his skin was before tugging the bed covers up around them and placing a small kiss on top of the older man’s forehead.

“You should get some rest, you’re freezing cold from sleeping up against those bloody balcony doors,” John muttered quietly as Gordon’s head nuzzled against the top of his chest.

He knew this was beyond what would be considered normal for siblings, but John felt compelled to bring comfort to the immense mental pain he saw hiding behind those rich amber eyes. He wanted to absorb the anguish and hurt that had accumulated in Gordon’s mind. John wrapped his arms around the shorter man and held him tightly as he hummed and whispered lyrics to a song their mother had sung to them as children if they ever had a nightmare or needed soothing.

He got a surprise when Gordon started to shakily join in, his singing voice to total opposite to the harsh gravely tone he had heard over the last few days.

“...the birds in the skies, kiss you goodbye….”

A comfortable silence fell between them as John felt the shivering that wracked Gordon’s body begin to subside. 

“You have a wonderful singing voice,” John admitted quietly, not sure if his sibling was awake.

Closing his eyes, John found that fatigue was winning the fight as his body twitched occasionally heading into the state between wakefulness and sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *song is 'how to build a time machine' by Darren Hayes


	11. signs of agression

Snow started to fall on the balcony, a light thin blanket hiding little bits of the world under a magical frost. Gordon huddled in front of Scott’s heater in the living room, glancing at the two crazy idiots outside smoking in their pyjamas like they were in the Bahamas.

Gordon had two long sleeved shirts on, a thick jumper he liberated from Scott and thick denim jeans, still shivering like a naked sheep in a thunderstorm. Scott casually said it was only minus five and that it will heat up later and the frost will vanish but Gordon was calling bullshit on it.

It felt like he was a penguin in the Arctic.

John flicked some of the powdery snow from the balcony railings as he lazily smoked his cigarette, the elbows of his nightshirt damp from leaning on the icy surface. Scott had been attempting to make casual conversation about university, but as soon as John started to be more honest with his opinions, the subject had been swiftly changed.

Stubbing out the last of his cigarette with a satisfying hissing sound John left the butt in a makeshift ashtray, a small plate that Scott had insisted he use instead of chipping them over the balcony constantly. 

Scooping up a handful of the frigid snow, John compacted it into two sizeable snowballs, hiding them behind his back out of sight of either of his brother’s and followed Scott back into the apartment. 

Smiling devilishly, John cleared his throat loudly which caused Gordon to look up from his position on the floor. A cold sharp thud of icy snow hit him square in the face as Scott turned round and received a snowball to the side of his face. Both men yelped and cursed as John chuckled loudly, revelling in the looks of horror and annoyance he received.

Scott moved fast and grabbed Gordon by the collar of his shirts preventing John from getting the bashing of his life.

“Settle!” Scott snapped loudly watching John reel back in shock at Gordon's violent reaction. “You, outside!” He growled at Gordon, pushing him out onto the balcony.

“And You, SIT.” He barked at John, watching his sibling's legs automatically buckle onto the couch.

He pinched his brow. “Why John? Gordon would have bashed you!”

Outside on the balcony, Gordon picked up the flower pot that sat there and threw it off in frustration with a loud smash.

“Just...look John….” He started to say and faltered. He sighed. “Don't do that again.” He glanced at Gordon who was shivering and in a grumpy heap in the snow. 

“I didn't want to tell you that Dad said he was ‘unstable’ and I didn't want to believe it, but you almost got a fistful then...maybe there's some truth to Dad's warnings afterall.”

He walked back over to let Gordon back inside, relieved the red head's time in the freezing air knocked the wind out of his aggressive sails. He avoided looking up, fully ashamed of his behavior and fled to his makeshift room.

Flinching as the door slammed shut, John finally looked up at Scott whose face was still stern as melting snow dropped down the side of his face. 

“I-I’m s-sorry,” John mumbled, “I d-didn’t know! It w-was a j-joke I swear!”

John couldn’t put his finger on what was more disturbing, the fact that the man who he had shared his bed with and soothed to sleep the previous night was supposedly dangerous and unstable… Or the fact that he had found the same man alluring and attractive.

Scott relaxed. “Doesn't matter. He's going to have to learn he just can't lash out.” He took a deep breath. “Was thinking of going decoration shopping, was going to drag Gordon along to try and get him into the spirit. I'm getting the feeling he's never celebrated it and it might be hard being dumped on us so close to it.”

“Oh and we're getting a damn plastic tree this time,” he added. “I'm not having raccoons inside again this year!”

John nodded quietly, his gaze falling to the floor as he picked at his fingernails. There was an awkward silence as his confused thoughts swirled within his mind before John realised he was probably supposed to respond to Scott.

“I’m sure he’d like to go with you,” he mumbled, “It will give him a chance to get out of the apartment properly too.”

“You'd come with me of course.” Scott added hurriedly. “I'm not sure I can deal with him on my own yet but you two seem to at least get along - more or less.”

Pausing for a moment, John retracted further into the couch, unsure of himself. “I don’t know… Maybe I should stay here and tidy for when you get back?”

Scott shook his head. “You'll be the only thing stopping me from ditching him at the mall if he gives me the shits. If you don't come there's little chance of me bringing him back.”

“You wouldn’t!” John’s wide eyes snapped up to meet Scott’s serious brilliant blues. “I’ll come with you, just… Don’t leave him… It’s not right! Not after we finally have him back.”

“I would if he posed a danger to any of you.” Scott admitted. “I told you I don't how much I'm able to trust him and I'm not going to lie to you that something about him makes me fucking uncomfortable. Something is seriously wrong with him and just because Dad won't tell me what it is doesn't mean I have to withhold my own superstitions.”

He frowned and flopped on the armchair opposite. “He was telling me before you got up only one place offered him a course. Everywhere else labeled him a risk even after several dozen police and immigration checks. What they offered though...I don't see him ever wanting to study it.”

John cocked his head slightly as he looked at Scott’s defeated posture, unsure if he’d seen the eldest look so unsure about a situation before. “What’s the course they offered?”

“Physical education.” Scott crossed his legs, a little deflated. “I highly doubt Gordon wants anything to do with sport after being exiled like he had done.”

“What happened in London wasn’t his fault, you know that… Right?” John spoke a little louder this time, his hands gripping tightly as he spoke, “I don’t see how it was made out to be the catastrophic failure that dad said, it was far too soon… He should never have been put under all that pressure. I always knew he could do it, just wasn’t the right time.”

“I know. It's not like I didn't argue with dad to change his mind either, John. How else do you think his decision to separate us all came about? It was because I couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut.”

He tapped his feet together in thought. “The damage is done, probably irreversible. I know it messed the rest of us up only getting to spend Christmas together until the last few years… I don't doubt for a second that Gordon has emotional, mental and behavioral problems from it all.” 

“It might change for the better, it might not. The risks are outweighing the rewards right now.”

“We can be there for him at the very least,” John offered quietly, “I get what you’re saying, Scotty… I really do. I just kind of… Well… I better go and get dressed a minute so I’ll be ready to leave.”

Scott nodded. “I hear you. I don't want to give up on him either but I don't have the time nor the capacity to do so. I'm not a miracle worker, I'm an airforce pilot. I don't understand what Dad's expecting me to do here.”

Gordon emerged from his room and looked down at the floor, keeping his gaze firmly away from his brothers. “I'm sorry. I know that doesn't excuse the way I acted. I don't want you giving up on me…. It's just...no one's been nice to me in a long time. I'm not used to it.”

“You’re alright, Gordon,” John’s voice was much closer than Gordon had anticipated as he heard light footsteps come to a halt. “I should have thought about what I was doing…”

John fought back the uncertainty that had pooled in his stomach, unable to clear his mind of whether he should be close to Gordon trying to reassure him that all was well, or to run as fast as he could out of the door from the stranger that certainly was not the brother he remembered. He tried to reason the odd feeling of protection and comfort that came with looking at Gordon.

“No...you were ok. You were trying to have fun.” Gordon scuffed the carpet. “Was that snow like the stuff on the balcony?”

Gordon looked sheepish. “I've never really seen snow like that before...thought it was only something in movies...so yeah thanks for introducing it to me in the most terrifying way possible guys.”

John shifted awkwardly away from Gordon, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to alarm you.”

Observing the uncomfortable body language that Gordon presented, John was unable to stop himself as he quickly stepped forward towards the shivering for of his sibling, ignoring Scott’s audible protests and hurried footsteps. 

Tentatively John wrapped his arms around the shorter man and held him loosely as his hands rubbed small soothing patterns against the many layers of clothing covering Gordon’s body. 

“I’m sorry, Clownfish,” John spoke to Gordon in a hushed tone, looking up at Scott’s shocked facets he felt Gordon’s arms firmly snake around him.

“It won't happen again, I promise John.”

Scott watched carefully, though he did relax a little with the sounds of sincerity from the estranged sibling. He had to try and stop thinking the worst about him otherwise there won't be any change...and his brother will vanish out of their lives again.

A part of Scott didn't want that.

Down at the shops, Scott headed straight for the isle of decorations in the mega K-mart store, leaving his two younger siblings to meander around at their own pace. John was still talking to him outside the store in the snow, explaining something about the weather or whatever. Gordon took a little while to take two steps outside the apartment but now seemed to adjust to the world of white around him - even if he was wearing several more layers of clothing than John and Scott combined.

John had been happily explaining the weather and its processes, a trait he had acquired from his time spent in England. Collecting a handful of snow and compacting it into a ball before handing it to Gordon. 

“Free revenge shot?” John offered wiping his hands against his coat. “Did you ever celebrate Christmas whilst you were away at school?”

Gordon shook his head. “It's ok. Rather stick my hand in a toaster.” He waved the snowball away. “Christmas stopped when mum died. This to me isn't Christmas...it's alien.”

John fell silent immediately at the mention of their mother, Gordon had been the only one he had really spoken to about her, struggling to remember as much as Virgil and Scott but having more memories of her than Alan. It felt bizarre to have the topic come up so freely.

Kicking the snow from his feet, John quickly and quietly made his way into the store.

Gordon stood there alone, realising that maybe he's not the person Scott or John needed around right now. He started to wander off to look at other shop windows and all there fancy decorations.

Where was the sun? The sand and the surf? The campfires? Winter at this time of year made an already hard time even more bleak, especially without the distractions of hitching a lift in the back of some stranger's ute with a few other ratbags skipping school to go surfing for the day. They weren't really friends, just guys who allowed him to tag along because he won a fight with the biggest nastiest kid in the year level. It wasn't Christmas but it was better than sitting around the boarding schools grounds with the creepy foster kids who would do things to those who didn't have homes to go to.

Gordon learned quickly how to fight back and other kids started to notice, particularly others who got left behind and subjected to torture, stepping in to help them because no one else would. 

And that's how they became the ratbags who ditched school… teenagers who had nowhere to go, no homes, nothing. Not the bullies but the misfits no one wanted.

And Gordon was tolerated because they owed him that freedom… didn't mean he was liked though.

Before long he had wandered into a park a long way away from the shops, dithering around aimlessly considering the option to just not head home, but to just vanish.

John and Scott were confusing him like crazy. One minute they want to help or be nice, next minute they're unsure if the trouble is worth the effort wasted. It didn’t make it easy for him to learn how to behave - the constant change of how they felt towards him making it difficult to read the invisible context they wanted him to.

“Where’s Gordon?” 

John gestured outside of the store briefly before helping Scott pick out a few final decorations. 

“He doesn’t celebrate Christmas,” John muttered quietly as they headed towards the tills. “Hasn’t since mum died.”

Scott’s posture stiffened slightly as he began unloading silvery decorations onto the conveyor belt. “Understandable.”

“I know we don’t really celebrate it, but at least he can still be a part of it being with us,” John added as he looked over the items that Scott had chosen, “It will be nice for Alan to see him too.”

After paying for the decorations, Scott collected the bags and followed John out of the shop towards the car.

Looking around, Scott asked, “Where is he? I don't see him. Can't go to the next place to get a tree without him.”

“He was right here when I left him,” John mumbled as he searched the area. “I don’t know where he would have gone…”

“Right, you look around the park a little down the road, I'll search all these other shops. He couldn't have gone far.” Scott directed John around. “Just hope he doesn't run into crazy Ned, you remember that old coot with the shotgun who hates foreigners? He's gotten more of a nutter than the last time he gave you and Alan trouble your first visit here. Julie in the apartment down the hall said something about him being more dangerous.”

Taking off towards the park that he and Alan used to spend any time together in the snow each Christmas time, John began looking around for Gordon. 

Unable to spot his brother, John wandered steadily around the vast open park. Snow crunched loudly beneath his feet. John could vividly remember the first time he had bumped into the unpleasant man that Scott spoke of. He and his younger brother were stood waiting for Scott to arrive at the train station, John having caught the bus to meet Alan to wait for their eldest brother together. 

Alan had happily rambled in about his racing, talking at great length about the top speed and horsepower of the winning group’s vehicle. John had nodded and politely listened until there had been the familiar rumble of Scott’s sports car engine growling out across the car park. 

John had interrupted Alan, his thick English accent pronouncing the words in a more articulated way than that of his sibling, drawing the attention of several people nearby. The next thing John remembered was being on his back on the cold hard ground. The cylindrical outline of a double-barrelled semi-automatic shotgun resting against his cheekbone. John remembered the shotgun well as he had dabbled lightly in the world of sports clay shooting at school, though his weapon had been an old English game side-by-side gun, beautifully engraved metal works displaying a scene of pheasants and partridge.

Scott had tackled the lunatic with the gun away from John who hurriedly shoved Alan into the car, shaking as he watched Scott and a few others pin the man down and wrestle his weapon free.

John had learnt a lot about crazy Ned and America’s interesting gun laws that day. He hoped and prayed that Gordon had not stumbled across the same man.

Gordon had found a seat by the pond in the middle of the park, watching a cat try to get at the trapped frozen fish within the ice. It had been mildly entertaining since there was at the moment, very little that made him smile.

Something clicked behind him and a cold metallic thing pressed up against his ear.

“You're not from around ‘ere are yer boy.” came a voice. “Never seen yer before. Were yer from? Yer a patriot or a stinkin’ foreigner?”

There was a loud gun shot that rang around the park, John's head snapping around in fear as he ran towards the sound, pulling his phone out to hurriedly dial Scott’s number.

He expected blood. What he didn't expect was the gun-toting crazy man to be pinned under his older brother face down in the snow, Gordon bending one of his arms back until a sickening crunch of bone popping out of its socket was heard.

Gordon may have come from a country where getting hold of a gun was impossible but his two years in prison had taught him a thing or two about defending himself against weapons and unlike a flick knife, a shotgun is a stupid weapon, one that allowed him to grab the barrel, bring his attacker fast to his knees and in the right position for a knee into his face.

John quickly told Scott where he was before hanging up and rushing over to where Gordon was snarling at the man trapped beneath him. The young man edged closer to his sibling, watching him closely trying to gauge his reaction.

“Gordon?” John offered quietly, kneeling in the snow in front of his brother and his captured lunatic. He slowly picked up the matte black semi-auto shotgun and quickly emptied the five unspent buckshot cartridges from the chamber. 

“Call the police. This sicko is a menace.” Gordon growled. “He tried to shoot me...and he's damn lucky I don't know how to use it to shoot him back. That won't stop me shoving it up his arse though.”

“I told Scotty, he’s calling them now,” John smiled weakly as he dropped the gun and picked up the cartridges. “I’m so glad you’re safe… I thought when I heard that gun shot that…”

John looked apologetically at his sibling before leaning forward and hugging him quickly. Sitting back, he watched as the feebly struggling nutter howl in pain below Gordon. 

The sound of sirens filled the air as Scott appeared sprinting towards them.

“Holy shit!” He panted, grinning at Gordon, “Nice going, Gordo… This fucker is dangerous as hell!”

Gordon snorted, adjusting his grip. “Just do me a favour and take over. I don't want to be here when the police come over. They may make a mistake.”

Scott swiftly took hold of the man pinned beneath Gordon. John held his hand out to his closest sibling and pulled him up before stepping a little way back from Scott, awaiting the arrival of the police. 

“You’re not going anywhere, are you?” John enquired, his fingers nervously fiddling with one of the cartridges before placing them back by the gun.

“Just a little away.” Gordon said inching backwards. “I-I don't like the police.”

“But you haven’t done anything but act in self defence!” John retorted, catching hold of Gordon’s hand, “You’ll be fine, I’m right here with you, alright?”

“I actually agree with Gordon.” Scott dug into his pocket and tossed John the keys. “Go wait in the car.”

Gordon tugged a stunned and confused younger brother along. “Come on Johnny. Let's get outta here.”

Dragged behind Gordon, looking back at Scott, John looked at the redhead as he stormed ahead. When they got to Scott’s sports car, he flicked the lock on the key fob and unlocked the car door. Gordon slid into the front passenger seat and John sat quietly in the back seat, shutting the door and dropping the keys onto the driver’s seat for when Scott returned. 

John was used to being kept in the dark, it didn’t mean he enjoyed the feeling of being the last to know. He repeated to himself that if Gordon wanted to tell him more, he would do so and at his own pace. 

He observed the twitchy and nervous behaviour that Gordon was exhibiting as a few police cars and officers turned up. The older man was muttering to himself under his breath, John sat forward and placed a hand on Gordon’s shoulder. 

Gordon shrunk down to try and hide, his hand squeezing the one John had on his shoulder trying to also assure him he was ok.

“I-I don't trust the police.” Gordon admitted. “Not here anyway. You hear things…”

“I don’t blame you,” John offered, watching his brother visibly relax when the officers were out of sight.

They waited patiently until Scott returned, looking a little relieved to be free from the questions the police had for him. The drive to the next store to collect the tree was quiet, John’s hand still remaining firmly on Gordon’s shoulder, almost as if he was scared to let go incase Gordon didn’t come back. 

Inside the new store Gordon felt a little overwhelmed by all the coloured trees - baby blues, purples, whites, golds and blacks...he'd never seen such a variety nor so many gaudy looking bits of plastic. He reached out and grabbed John’s hand, entwing his fingers with his sibling's for assurance. The monster inside of him had been stirring the last few days and that weirdo along with the police put him on edge.

Gordon needed a reminder that he wasn't a monster, something he was struggling with since he arrived. John was the closest thing to an anchor to reality that was clawing itself away from him. John could walk away at anytime, he knew..but as long as he kept reaching out, trying to find him in the darkness to pull him out - he would hold onto him… try and keep him safe from the abyss that he was trapped in.

“So,” Scott grinned. “Pick a tree guys. Any you like because it's going to be you guys and Alan decorating it at the end of the week.”

Squeezing Gordon’s hand, John smiled at him and led him through the store, watching as his nervous eyes searched the rows of tacky coloured trees. Stopping before a row of more realistic trees, John nudged Gordon forward slightly.

“What d’ya reckon?” He asked, placing his hands on Gordon’s shoulders and peeking over his head at the trees. “Alan usually picks the awful coloured ones if we don’t get a real one, so why not go a bit more tasteful?”

“I don't really know the difference.” Gordon shrugged. “Though the white tree would look good with any colour of decorations, blue, red, silver, gold...anything would look good on it. Same as the black one...heck gold and silver would look glorious on that… and purple looks great with gold - why are you looking at me like that?”

John quickly closed his mouth as his face flushed a soft pink, trying to hide the look of adoration. “Guess I never figured you as an interior designer,” he chuckled nervously, “Black tree sounds great.”

The fluttering sensation had returned to John’s stomach as he observed Gordon’s actions. His palms were developing a thin sheen of sweat as he quickly retracted his hand from his sibling’s, shifting awkwardly out of embarrassment. 

“Depends… I didn't see the decorations Scott bought. Did he go uniform colour scheme or mish mash?” Gordon glanced down at his now empty hand, like his anchor was never really there. He suddenly was very aware he was alone again and he shuffled uncomfortably looking around for the nearest exist.

Stupid him fell for it… 

“Sorry… Sweaty hands, They're mostly silver,” John muttered as he edged closer to Gordon who was glancing around, “Is everything okay?”

“N-no..not really. I’m not doing so well.” Gordon admitted. “My head's a little out of sorts. I don't like this time of year at the best of times.”

He saw John's expression and immediately tried to rectify the situation. “I'll try hard to make this one not a crap one for you ok? If...if I make it a bit of a bummer I'll just go for a walk or something till the feeling goes away… enough to be ok at least.”

“I promise not to fuck up ok? I can't do more than that.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be alright on my behalf,” John pulled his older sibling into a hug, “To have you here after all this time is enough to make my Christmas the best ever… Just promise me you’ll stay? I don’t think I could bare losing you again…”

John pulled Gordon tight before letting him go, “You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Whatever’s on your mind, I’ll do my best to help with.”

Walking up to the few assorted sizes of false matte black trees, John turned towards Gordon and smiled, “I’m going to try and make this Christmas your best, even if Alan acts up, I promise you’ll enjoy it.”

“Thanks. However there's some things even…” Gordon swallowed hard. “Even I can't talk about in front of a psychiatrist, so you might be out of luck. Somethings are best stayed buried even if they mess with me.”

He bit down hard on his pride and kissed John's cheek before seeking out Scott to double check the colour if the decorations.

Left alone with his puzzling thoughts, John absentmindedly brought his fingertips to the spot where Gordon’s lips had been. The young man mused for a moment as his mind raced with hordes of knotted feelings as his psyche fought to remain balanced.

The primitive and unconscious part of John's mind, containing his sexual drives and thoughts, was impulsively responding to the actions of his sibling whilst his moral conscience fought to quell his instinctual teenage desires. He desperately tried to remain concreted in reality to be the mediator between the desires and the harsh feeling of going against his morals.

Shaking his head in an attempt to extinguish his darting synapses from firing up any more unwanted coveting ideas, John leant up against the stacks of boxes against the wall. He wished that Gordon would one day let him in, allowing him to chase away the demons that lurked inside his head. John would do anything to try and ease the pain in his sibling’s mind, he’d fight to keep Gordon around and to help him succeed so that he would feel the pride in himself that John felt in huge amounts.

Watching as Gordon returned towards him, John felt a childish grin stretch across his face. “Have you made your choice?”

“No. Scotty’s damn decoration choices sound like they'd look better on a damn elephant at a wedding. No matter what we pick it's going to be ugly as shit.” Gordon tapped his legs, deep in thought. 

“Fuck it. If you get the white one you can't go too wrong with colours, plus its like bringing the snow indoors without the actual wet stuff.” Gordon was blunt with his decision.

“Fair suck of the Savoy though, you pick whatever you want. I don't have a damn clue.”

Lifting the packaged version of a six foot brilliant white tree off the low shelf, John carried it towards the till to pay for it before Scott got the chance. Gordon came over with a few extra decorations to buy before they stood by the store’s exit whilst they waited for the eldest to finish browsing.


	12. Fever

John had insisted Scott made a stop at a food store on their travel home, rushing in alone to grab the ingredients required for the meal he had planned to cook for his brothers later that evening.

After arriving back at the apartment, John had packed away the decorations in his younger brother’s room ready for when Alan arrived in a few days. He set about bustling his eldest brother out of the the small kitchen whilst he prepared some vegetables, humming softly as he did so.

“Hey Johnny?” Scott’s voice drew him from the song in his head some time later.

“Hmm?”

“I’m really sorry, but I’ve got to go and see some of the guys from the air base in a while,” he sighed apologetically, “I won't be back until later tonight.”

“Oh…” John’s body hunched slightly as he finished mixing a basic batter, “No worries, I’ll leave a portion aside for you, you can nuke it in the microwave when you get back.”

“Thanks little bro,” Scott ruffled John’s hair, earning a few expletives as the younger man batted away his hand. “Sorry, Johnny… I know you were looking forward to dinner together.”

“It’s fine,” John huffed as he fixed his hair, “Can get take out or something when Alan is back. Hope all goes well, Scotty.”

“See ya… Keep Gordon out of trouble whilst I’m out,” Scott snorted before retreating from the room.

After a few hours of slow roasting, John retrieved the joint of beef from the oven and set it aside to rest before heading off in search of Gordon. He hadn’t seen his older brother since they had got back, Gordon not even appearing to say goodbye to Scott when he had left. John put it down to the incident with the gun toting maniac in the park.

Knocking gently on the door to Gordon’s small room, John received a loud grunt in reply. Opening the door, the younger man poked his head inside the room to see Gordon lounged on top of his covers, legs neatly crossed and eyes shut.

“Dinner is almost ready,” John smiled as Gordin continued to lay still, closed eyes unmoving, “I’m just about to serve up.”

John’s attention fell to the bags of clothes that he had purchased for Gordon when they had been at the mall. “What did you make of the clothes I picked for you?” John asked sweetly, drawing Gordon’s eye as he nodded towards the bags. 

They were exactly how John had left them, clothing still neatly folded as the store assistants had done for him. His face fell slightly as he realised they were untouched. “Oh… Are they no good?”

“Hmm? No it's not that.” Gordon sat up on top his elbows. “They're nice… too nice actually and I don't have anywhere to put them where they won't be ruined.”

“I also don't know when I'll get to wear any of them. Christmas eve and day maybe...but I don't know otherwise. They're too fancy to waste on trash like me.”

“You’re not trash,” John huffed as he pushed the door open a little more, Gordon finally seeing the ridiculous apron his sibling was wearing with the words ‘kiss the cook’ written in flowing letters on the front. 

“I hope you do try them, you’ll look amazing in them.” 

“I'll have to at some stage,” Gordon smiled. “They're the only outfits I've got.”

“Food will be about ten minutes so come on out whenever you’re ready.”

John set about dishing up food for Gordon and himself, thinly slicing the beef and placing them on each of the plates. Roast potatoes, vegetables and fluffy Yorkshire puddings piled up on the plates before John filled a third for when Scott returned. 

Setting the plates and pot of freshly made gravy onto the dining table, John called out to his sibling, “Gordon! Grub’s up!”

Gordon emerged, looking sheepish and dressed in one of the shirts John had chosen. He felt insanely guilty he hadn't worn one but felt absolutely ridiculous in the flamingo pattern that adorned it. 

But John had chosen it...and despite his huge dislike of Hawaiian shirts he wasn't going to disappoint his younger brother.

“So...what do you think?”

John gawped at the sight of Gordon in the slim fitting shirt before a wide grin spread across his face. “It looks great on you, even though your expression says you’re hating every second that it’s on you,” he chuckled as Gordon cracked a smile. 

John glanced down at his apron before pulling it off and heading towards his room, “Can’t let you be the only one dressed up,” he teased as he brushed past Gordon to get a shirt.

When John returned he was wearing something muted and somber and Gordon not only went red from how attractive John was, but felt deeply ashamed he looked like a wild party animal in comparison. 

John sat down and a very shy and quiet “You look nice.” was uttered before Gordon started to aimlessly poke food around his plate. He didn't feel bright and cheerful despite the horrendous clashing colours of his shirt that screamed ‘loud mouthed personality’ and felt so very small, aware that while they were trying to be nice, not one of his brother's knew a damn thing about him.

And that it was also painfully obvious they knew he was not in the same ‘class’ as they were.

Gordon kept glancing up at the snow covered balcony, wondering how much would anyone really miss him if he did them all a solid.

“You’re not eating anything.”

“Hmm?” Gordon was pulled from his thoughts.

John sighed. “Why did I bother if you're not going to eat?”

“Oh.. Sorry. Just thinking.” Gordon turned his attention to his food. “Looks yummy.”

He cut into the pieces of roast and noticed they were still tinged pink, so he skirted around them insead to eat the vegetables. John watched with interest and confusion, like a scientist observing a monkey picking around food it doesn't like because it's bitter.

“So.. no Scott?”

“Scott says he's got things to do but will eat later.”

“Ah.”

“You a vegetarian or something?” John eventually asked. “You haven't touched the roast.”

“It's pink.”

“It's supposed to be.”

“Only if you want to poison yourself.”

“What? Pfft your being an idiot Gordon. It's fine.” John scowled.

“You know what, that's fine John.” Gordon said standing up. “Because I feel like one. Thank you for… tea but I'm no longer hungry.”

A hand grabbed his shirt. “Sit, Gordon.” John almost pleaded. “Talk to me. Scott’s not here so...you can talk about anything you like.”

“John…”

“Please? Even if it's about the cold and the snow.”

Gordon caved and sat back down. He couldn't say no when his brother was trying to reach out to him.

“Ok… so… Why all fancy tonight?” Gordon tried to make conversation. “It's like a d-date...were you expecting visitors as well?”

“It’s not ‘fancy’... There’s no ulterior motive against you. It was supposed to be a nice meal as a way of thanks to you and Scotty,” John rubbed the back of his neck as he nudged a potato round his plate. 

“Look, you don’t have to eat the meat of you don’t want, but please try the potatoes?” 

“This is very damn fancy John, for me at any rate.” Gordon admitted. “I don't think I've ever had something home cooked before. It's always a instant microwave or a freeze dried meal… breakfast not counting.”

He tugged at his shirt uncomfortably. “Fuck this thing is tight.” he said, grunting and yanking it off to reveal a very lightly toned muscle structure underneath. “That's better.

It was rude to stare. John knew that, yet there was very little he could do to help himself as Gordon sat there across the table with his shirt off. The young teenager was thankful the table was hiding his awkward excitement at the sight before him. John could feel heat rising on the high points of his face, skin flushing a light pink as he finally tore his gaze away from Gordon’s chest. 

“So… Uh…” John stuttered as he tried to think of conversation starters as he focused his attention on his food. “What did you want to do tonight?”

Gordon shrugged. “Maybe we could watch a movie… I'm a little behind on what's supposed to be good.” He said casually, greatful the conversation was no longer about his lack of appetite towards rare meat.

“Maybe a long shower… I dunno, unless you have any suggestions? Scott isn't seem the type to have a gaming console around.”

“There’s a console in Alan’s room if you wanted it, but a movie sounds great to me,” John muttered as he picked up a small slice of beef and ate it slowly. 

“Sorry if this dinner isn’t really your thing, it’s one of the meals I can cook without thinking too much about it,” John sighed as he dared to look up at the half naked man sat across from him. 

“No...it's ok. You’re ok, you tried. I haven't eaten a lot since...well for a long while. Depression and anxiety does that…” Gordon gave John a weak smile, waving his hand. “Hence the therapy thing I mentioned at the shops. I've been a bit screwed up for years and I'm not ready I think to slot back into normality just yet.”

Understatement of the fucking century of course, but at least he wasn't lying. He had stepped out of prison into the arms of a very distant and unforgiving father who just dumped him on one of his brother's to fend for himself again and then…

The angel appeared as he knocked on a door he expected to shut on him forever.

Fucking hell was Gordon not ready for any of this - to have a sexual attraction to a sibling - SIBLING FOR FUCK'S SAKE - one whom still acted like he was the bees knees…

He was going to get locked up in a padded cell for this if he tried to explain it to anyone. There's no therapist in the world who'd allow someone who is fantasizing about bending their younger brother over a table and fucking him senseless till they were so full of his own cum that it not just trickled down his brother's legs, but dripped all over the floor and yet… still keeping his cock buried deep inside, never wanting to pull out.

Yeah...that'd definitely lock him away and have him on drugs until he hung himself from shame.

“Fuck…” John breathed as he placed down his cutlery and looked up at Gordon, “I’m sorry, Clownfish… I had no idea things were that bad. I’m here for you though, whatever it is I can do to help you name it.”

“That's the thing John...you can't. No one can.”

“Not if you don’t let them,” John offered quietly, making sure his tone was as quiet and approachable as possible, “Don’t push me away, I’m here for whatever you need.”

John observed the way that Gordon was looking at him, he couldn’t quite place the look in those deep tawny eyes. 

“I don't want to...but if I do it's for your own good.” Gordon grabbed the shirt, appeared to thump the table with his fist in it before standing up again. “I never want you to be hurt because of me but the longer you stay here, the longer I'm with you right now…”

Gordon wanted to add ‘I'd pin you to the wall, strip you naked and fuck you and there'd be nothing you could do to stop me’ but refrained, aware that sounded more sick and twisted than his original fantasies of having a relationship with his brother that involved sex as a bonus. He stormed off to his makeshift room and closed the door carefully and once he was alone, he unwrapped his hand in the shirt to reveal the steak knife he'd taken from the table.

Dropping his pants he grabbed his erect member and held the knife to it.

“If you don't stop thinking like some of those sick mother fuckers you were living in prison with, I'm going to cut it off.” He growled at himself. As a warning, he used the tip to dig slightly into his skin and sliced a cut that stung like the fires of a volcanic sulfur burn as a warning to himself that he was never to think that way about John again. Dropping the knife and wrapping the shirt around his now bleeding organ he slunk to the floor he waited until it stopped gushing and had gone limp again before grabbing clean clothes for a shower. At least now… maybe he could watch a movie with John without being a total utter creep.

John quietly tidied away the remains of the half eaten dinner he had served his brother. Sighing heavily he set about washing up the pans and plates until the kitchen was spotless. He covered Scott’s dinner and left it beside the microwave for his return.

The sound of the shower running reached his ears as John finally slumped onto his bed, mulling over Gordon’s words as he pulled off his shirt and pulled the blanket around his shoulders. What on earth had Gordon meant by him not being hurt? It was difficult to think about his brother being the ‘dangerous’ man that their dad had warned Scott about… 

Pulling on some loose pyjama bottoms, John pulled the blanket further around himself and made his way into the lounge area of the apartment before slouching onto the deep couch. The evening was dark even with the moonlight reflecting off the crisp snow. Curling up in the thick cream coloured blanket, John rested his head on the arm of the couch as he flicked the TV into life before dropping the remote on the floor in front of him. Mind swirling with confusion, he closed his eyes to try and quell the panicky sensation in his gut.

In the shower, Gordon’s disturbed imagination was going into panic and overdrive. He was hot and cold all over despite the shower water being boiling enough to burn his skin.

Something was wrong. He shouldn't be hallucinating.

But from the moment he stepped in he was already picturing John in there with him, passionately kissing him, touching him...until he reeled back in horror at what was bursting forward out of Gordon's chest. 

The creature Gordon tried to hide, was tearing him open and trying to escape, wrapping it's tentacles around John's neck and choking him to death then they flung back to do the same to him.

In desperation, Gordon stumbled out if the tiny shower and slipped on the floor, choking for air from an invisible monster created by his feverish mind.

His head cracked hard as it made contact with the tiles, knocking him out cold, his body shaking from the fever it suddenly succumbed to.

Gordon was sick after all - but not because he was messed in the head. A real fiery fever was the reason for his mental shut down, unable to tell reality from fiction,making his fears, nightmares into a creepy twisted reality.

A sickening thud instantly drew John’s attention as he sat bolt upright. Heading for the bathroom, he pressed his ear against the door and listened intently. 

“Gordon? You alright in there?” 

There was no response to his call, sending a wave of concern prickling through his quick-firing synapses. Opening the door carefully, John peeked his head inside. Mortified by the sight of Gordon’s naked body lying on the tiled floor, John immediately rushed inside and covered his brother’s shaking body with the blanket from around his own shoulders.

Rolling Gordon onto his back, John winced as he noted the blood oozing from a wound on his head, seeping into his auburn hair. Brushing the hair from his brother’s face, John felt the burning temperature of Gordon’s forehead. 

Using the blanket, John tugged Gordon from the bathroom into the living area and settled him in front of the heater. The young man dashed back to the bathroom to retrieve the first aid kit from the medicine cabinet. Kneeling beside his sibling, John set about cleaning the wound on Gordon’s temple before dressing it as best he could.

John returned to the bathroom to replace the first aid kit and cleaned the blood from the white tiles. Disposing of any evidence, the young man collected some painkillers and flu medicine before retrieving a glass of water from the kitchen. He hauled Gordon’s body up against the couch, and held his head steady as he knelt over his legs.

“Hey, Gordon… C’mon… Wake up, please?” John begged as he gently shook Gordon’s face.

There was a groan that sounded like tires of a motorbike skidding along gravel and a very weak attempt to brush John's hands away.

“I don't want to...not like that.” He mumbled. “I like him ...want to be a lover not….a monster…”

John’s face scrunched up in confusion as he brought his face closer to Gordon, trying to listen as his sibling’s delirious ramblings trailed off. “Gordon? You’re running a temperature, I think you’ve got a fever.” He brushed his brother’s hand away and continued to hold his head gently.

“Must keep John away...protect him from the monster…” Gordon shivered and fought to fend John off weakly again. “Protect him from me.”

Swaying slightly as Gordon’s arms pushed feebly at his body, John released his hold on his sibling’s head letting it lull back against the couch. He sat back on his ankles above Gordon’s legs and looked at him, his head swimming with confusion. 

“Protect me? From you? Gordon what are you on about?” John whispered, nudging his sibling as his body shivered violently under the blanket. “I don’t need protecting… Shit, you’re out of it, huh? C’mon, I’ve got you some painkillers and we’ll get you on the couch… Watch that film you said, hey?” 

“John's...very handsome...wish...wish wasn't my brother…”

John froze. Was his brother really that embarrassed by him? John shifted uncomfortably as he felt hurt flash through his chest, his stomach lurching as he watched Gordon’s face shift into one of discomfort. The one person who he was genuinely pleased to see was now wishing he wasn’t related to him.

“What do you mean?”

“Tall, slender...sexy...why couldn't we be different? Ask him on a date...tell him his beautiful…”

Gordon groaned and shifted around, the blanket moving with him and revealing more than John bargained for.

“Can't...brother's don't do things like that….”

Oh…

Eyes blown wide open, John shifted back as he was met with the sight of Gordon’s naked body, arousal obvious in front of him. His head was foggy as he tried to process Gordon’s words. He was delirious, right? There was no way any of what he was saying held any truth… 

“Gordon,” his voice trembled as he spoke, unsure of himself, “It’s me… It’s John… I’m right here,” Stumbling to get to his feet, John’s wrist was caught by Gordon’s strong hand, pulling him towards his shaking body and kissing him.

“But we can't...and I'm a monster for wanting it to be…”

Gordon let John go, the latter falling backward over the coffee table as Gordon shifted around again, blanket hiding him as he coughed and slumped further onto the floor.

“Monsters only think...like that.”

Lying on his back, stunned from the kiss his brother had pulled him into before he’d tumbled over the coffee table, John stared up at the ceiling. All logical thoughts were draining from his mind, words disappearing from his vocabulary as he remained motionless as if his body were paralysed.

No way.

Was Gordon being serious? The kiss, though fleeting, had certainly felt real. Maybe John’s mind was twisting reality because of his own disgusting thoughts.

Hauling himself up onto his elbows, John peered across at Gordon whose mumblings had grown too quiet for him to hear as he slouched further and further to the floor. 

Scrabbling to his knees, John crawled over to his blanket covered brother and gripped his shoulders.

“Are you serious?” He shook Gordon lightly as his mind raced. He was not about to take any kind of advantage of his ill sibling as he lay shivering on the floor… But he needed to know. “GORDON?”

“Yes father? Ohh you're finally talking to me...what's the occasion? OHHH I know! I ...I jumped didn't I? Splat...useless Gordon….monster….sexual deviant who wanted to have….have relationship with younger brother...can't swim...can't perform...can't out run cops, thicky no friends who becomes the bully….all I want is for you to give a shit...but you don't…”

Gordon shook as he clawed at the blanket. “Left to rot in a cell….my fault..everything my...fault.”

John stared at Gordon as he released his shoulders quickly. Jump? Relationship? Cops? Cell? Just what was Gordon talking about? He slumped against the couch and gripped Gordon’s hand tight to his own chest. John was desperately trying to catch his brain up to speed with the rapid fire confusion that had been thrown at him like a stun grenade. 

“It’s me… It’s John,” he breathed as he squeezed Gordons clammy hand in his own. “Gordon it’s not your fault, you shouldn’t bare the weight of the world on your shoulders…” He leant closer to Gordon, “You are NOT a monster… Don’t you think that.”

“Monsters only have sex with relatives….just ‘c-cause I haven't done it...doesn't mean I don't want to...John….I want to kiss, hold..and...fucking hell…. Left knife in room….”

“Knife?!” 

John leapt up and ran to Gordon’s room. Upon entering the cramped space, his eyes fell upon the bloodstained flamingo shirt and a steak knife on the floor. His heart sank as he shakily collected the knife from where it lay, stuffing the shirt out of sight under the bed. 

After washing the knife in the kitchen and setting it to one side, not back into the drawer with the rest of the cutlery, John made his way back into the living area where Gordon was.

“Gordon what the hell-” John’s words dissipated on his tongue as his eyes fell upon his brother’s form.

Gordon was feverishly trying to jerk himself off, blood on his hands from agitating the wound he inflicted earlier, his voice a babble of incoherent garble.

The only word John could make out was his name.

Body jerking into action before his mind had fully thought through what he was doing, John swooped down over Gordon, roughly grabbing his wrist and holding it steady to prevent any further self-inflicted damage. Gordon fought weakly against Johns grip but the younger man held strong.

“Stop!” He begged as blood flicked over his own bare chest as well as the blanket around his brother. “You’re bleeding! Gordon stop it please! You’re scaring me!”

“N - nnno.. Please…” Gordon begged sickly. “Need relief...will help stop thoughts...of John…” 

“Please….”

John’s heart broke as he watched Gordon beg, arms fighting against him. “I won’t let you hurt yourself,” John hissed, wrestling with Gordon as he jerked around beneath him.

Gordon eventually relented, weak arms flopping to the floor. “If… If I can't… cut it..cut off. Don't deserve to be a man….not real one anyway… not if I can't protect John from me..” His eye muscles twitched as he started to give into a restless sleep.

Body relaxing as Gordon’s fighting ended, John pulled his sibling close to him and held him tightly. Emotions boiling over in his head, he fought back tears as he stared at all of the blood that had accumulated on Gordon’s body.

After cradling his brother’s body for some time, John made to move away before Gordon stirred in his arms.

“John….Don't go…” 

Drawing the blanket tighter around his shivering sibling, John wrapped his arms around him and drew Gordon into his chest so the shorter man’s head rested against his own neck.

“I’m here, Clownfish,” he soothed as he gently stroked sweat-soaked hair away from Gordon’s face. “You’re not a monster. Never think that of yourself… Please don’t hurt yourself, not because of me… Not ever… I love you, Gordon. I can’t lose you.”

John’s head rested lightly on Gordon’s head as he supported his heated and shuddering body. “I’m right here… Always here for you.”


	13. another feverish confession

“Shit...should have seen it coming.”

Scott ran his fingers through his hair as he paced up and down the living room in front of where John sat on the couch. Gordon had been redressed by both of them when Scott returned and put into bed, the fever causing him to toss and turn uncontrollably even when tucked in tight.

He had also found the bloody shirt, and was holding it as he paced.

“Dad said nothing about any of this...ok sure the cold and fever is expected because he's been exposed to temperatures he's not used to...but thoughts of self harm? I should’ve figured it was that bad from the get go with how hostile he's been. Shit.”

John had to tell Scott everything, from how Gordon was found the other night by the glass doors of the balcony and to how he found him in the bathroom floor. He had to explain what little he knew about Gordon's rambling about their father, being a monster and how much it weighed on him that he wasn't the son he wanted.

What he didn't tell him was the parts where Gordon wanted to have a sexual relationship with him. John figured Scott not only didn't need to know that but wouldn't buy Gordon any sympathy if it was true.

“Fuck...you absolutely sure I shouldn't get Virgil to stay here with you and Alan while I'm away? I mean there's less chance of Gordon doing something stupid and dangerous to himself if I do….” his voice trailed off a bit. “I don't know what to do John, I'm not a councilor for the mentally disturbed. Maybe we can get him committed...or at least, some sort of drugs to help? I don't know.”

“I don’t think that having another one of us that he hasn’t seen for years thrown on him will do Gordon’s mental health any favours,” John sighed as he leaned forward on his knees. “Having Alan here might be a lot for him to take in already without Virge as well… It’s not that I don’t want him to be here, I’m just thinking of what’s best for Gordon at this point.”

John was exhausted. Scott had resorted to physically carrying John out of Gordon’s room as he had been too scared to leave him alone, fearful his sibling would attempt to harm himself again. Wracked with guilt that he had not noticed anything sooner, John was eager to be as close to his sibling as possible.

“As for getting him sectioned? What the fuck would that achieve? Alienate him? After all the time he’s been made to feel like he’s not one of us? You try anything like that and I swear I’ll never forgive you.”

Whatever Scott was going to say, John cut him off. “We wait until his fever subsides, and then we approach him to see what he wants to do. Don’t try and take anymore control away from him, he already feels unwanted, like he’s an outcast… just treat him like your brother… That’s what he is after all.”

John heaved his tired body up from the couch and stretched his aching limbs. 

“I think I’m gonna sit in with him for the night,” John announced quietly, “Doesn’t sit right with me him being in there on his own.”

“It's either you or me John. Think he'll probably be better with you anyway.”

“Night, Scotty. Hope your dinner is alright,” John smiled weakly as he left. 

He stopped by his room to pick up his duvet before quietly letting himself into Gordon’s room. Closing the door behind him, John lay his duvet across Gordon’s twitching form. He traipsed across the room and slipped himself into the office chair. 

John wanted nothing more than to clamber into the tiny bed with Gordon, to offer him comfort. But decided that with his sibling suffering hallucinations, he wouldn’t want to terrify the poor man whilst he was resting. 

Bringing his legs up to rest on the bed, John shuffled down in the hard seat trying to get comfortable. He let his eyes close as he listened to the shuddering breaths of his brother. 

Gordon kept stirring. He kept dreaming about John.

In his feverish head all he wanted was John to keep kissing him, make the fever break, ride him until there was no more pain left.

These dreams were wrong, they were never going to be real...he wanted the fever to swallow them, make them go away.

All it did was enhance them.

“Uhhh John…..Johnny…”

Roused from his light sleep by the sound of his name being softly murmured, John sat up shivering slightly in the chill of the night air. Even though he had slipped a large tee shirt on, John was still a little colder than he would have liked. 

Leaning forward, John heard his name whispered again.

John suddenly felt embarrassed. His sibling was having a sexual dream, involving him. It was as though John was an unwelcome perverse intruder, listening into Gordon’s deepest desires. 

He couldn’t draw himself away, or prevent his young body from reacting in such an obvious way. His erection forming a string tent in the front of his pyjama bottoms. 

Things were happening in Gordon’s head. There was more than just incest playing out - John was also burying his hands into his chest and abdomen, ripping out his organs, his bones, laughing away at how grotesque his mind was. All he could do was watch and cry in terror as this thing that was in the form of his first real crush tore his limbs off him piece by piece.

“Johnny...please John… I just… I just wanted…”

The last thing the abomination did was tear off his arms and kick him away, the result in reality was Gordon rolling right out of bed and onto the floor.

Slipping forwards to the bed on his hands and knees, John hovered over the edge of the bed to see if Gordon had stirred from his dream after his fall.

“Gordon? You alright?”

John reached down to test the temperature of his sibling’s feverish skin only to have his arm batted away harshly as Gordon writhed around in the floor trying to escape the clutches of his nightmares.

“Gordon!” John hissed in surprise, his arm instantly recoiling. “It’s me. You’re ok.”

When John’s outstretched arm tentatively moved down towards his his siblings face, his wrist was captured and he was torn from the bed with a muffled shout.

Landing ontop of Gordon, John was face to face with his sickly sibling and before he could scrabble away, his own lower body brushed up against his brother's and he got a shock not just by how good it felt but Gordon's very interesting reaction and unusual groan in some sort of pleasurable feeling.

A quiet gasp escaped John’s lips as he lay there. He knew it was wrong, that he should move away from Gordon and help him back into bed, but the sensation was like electricity shooting from his hormone-fuelled body. 

Feeling disgusted with himself, John carefully lifted himself off of Gordon’s body and knelt on the floor beside him, shaking his shoulder lightly to try and rouse him from sleep. There was no way he’d be able to lift him into bed from where he lay on his own.

There was a mild disappointed noise from Gordon, something from the fact he'd never had anyone touch him in an way that wasn't vicious or malicious before. He rolled over and deliriously tried to get up off the floor, collapsing back down again. Maybe staying put on the floor was a better option.

John pulled the duvet off the bed and rolled it over them both, slipping himself beside his shivering sibling on the floor. The young blonde was desperately trying to ignore his body’s arousal and the heat that came with it. His body was shuddering with nerves as he curled himself up, facing his brother. 

Contact. That's all he needed.

A purring sound came out between Gordon's lips as he cuddled in close, arms wrapping around John and holding their bodies together. Slowly, Gordon started nuzzling him affectionately and mumbling, “Please don't go. Nobody ever wants to be this close...think I'll break them...why? How can you be...gentle if no one wants to try….”

“I’m not going anywhere,” John mumbled softly, trying to allow his body to relax into Gordon’s affectionate embrace. 

John shakily snaked his arms around Gordon’s narrow waist, making sure his hips were still distant as their torso’s made contact.

“Get some rest, Clownfish,” John whispered as he nuzzled his chin into Gordon’s fluffy hair.

“If I wake...you'll be gone…” Gordon’s grip of John's shirt tightened. “Don't make me wake up… please...let me dream...wake up and I'm alone….no one will get this close, only in my dreams….”

A tear rolled down his cheek and the hands started to let go as a part of something even in his delirious state started to die, like the acceptance even in his dreams he was always going to physically alone. 

“Don't want...to get better if….no one…don't make me wake up…”

John pulled Gordon closer and lifted a hand to wipe away the tears from his sibling’s face with his thumb. “I’m still going to be here when you wake up… You won’t be alone,” the younger man pressed his forehead against Gordon’s scorching temples. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Hearing his brother’s pleas not to be left alone, stirred a protective need within him. John felt as Gordon retracted further into himself, repeating his pleading words.

Quelling his nerves, John’s eyelids fluttered closed as he closed the distance between his lips and Gordon’s, gently and lovingly kissing his sibling’s lips preventing anymore words. He felt Gordon’s body relax into his embrace as he tentatively began to deepen the kiss.

Gordon's fingers started to move as his arms shifted slowly higher up John's shoulders so his hands could lightly run through his soft hair and very tender with touch. His shaky hands and nervous motions, desperate to cling to this strange feeling that was pushing through his fever.

He reciprocated the kisses in kind, exploring John carefully and hoping that this dream wouldn't vanish into thin air.

Feeling Gordon’s hands caressing his hair and scalp, John moaned softly against his full lips. He had never felt anything like this before, having such a connection with someone he barely knew yet felt so familiar with. He felt the velvety warmth of Gordon’s tongue brush against his own, sending shivers down his spine and making him pull the shorter man closer.

Gordon shivered, breaking the kisses as his body shook and his desire for warmth overrode everything else as he buried himself deep into John's embrace until the shakes stopped...but that also meant he drifted back into a more relaxed sleep, John trapped between his body and the bed.

Flustered in a lustrous heat, John’s body was reacting without his consent. He was relieved that Gordon had finally relaxed but was now stuck in place with his teenage mind surging with desires. Forcing his feelings to one side, John moved his twitching body closer to Gordon as he slipped into a restless sleep.


	14. No recollection

John awoke to a snuffling sound beside him. Sluggishly opening his eyelids, he was startled to see Gordon’s wide amber orbs boring into his eyes. His face was mere inches from his own. John jolted backwards, his head colliding harshly with the wooden base of Gordon’s bed, his hand shooting up to his hair as he hissed at the thudding pain in his skull.

“Are you ok?” Gordon's voice sounded gravely from a sore throat, the worst of his fever broken but still causing him problems with light sensitivity. 

“What are you doing in here? Thought you'd want nothing to do with me after I screwed up dinner last night.” He sneezed into the crook of his elbow and looked worse than before.

“Oh fun..a cold. Just like I always wanted.”

A stab of disappointment sliced into John’s body as he was slowly adjusting to being awake and coming to the realisation that Gordon hadn’t made any mention to the previous evening’s events. Perhaps Gordon had suffered a concussion, maybe his actions had only been fuelled by the hallucinatory feverish state of the flu.

“You don’t remember?” John grumbled as he rubbed his head softly. 

“I remember being a jerk, if that what you mean. Don't feel good about it either.” Gordon pushed himself off the floor with a great amount of difficulty. “Come on, up you get. Don't get my cold and flu, ok? Would feel a fuck-ton worse if you did - Achooo!” 

John sat up, but remained on the floor as he pulled the duvet over himself to hide his awkward morning excitement. “So you don’t remember collapsing in the bathroom?” He asked quietly, remembering everything he was going to have to explain if Gordon really couldn’t remember a thing.

Gordon shook his head. “Don't even know what your on about. I thought I blacked out when you stopped me leaving the table.” 

He frowned. “Was my fever that bad? Ohhh boy…”

“I don’t know,” John admitted, “I was on the couch when I heard you hit the deck in the bathroom… When I got in, you’d hit your head pretty bad. I… Uhh… Well… You’d hurt yourself - I mean, on purpose.”

“Are you sure?” Gordon looked confused. “Shit.” 

He sat on the bed and checked his wrists and arms in a panic. “W-what do you mean? John...don't scare me. I'm not hundred percent at the best of times but if I'm dangerous without me knowing about it then…” he looked up at John who was now standing tall with fear in his eyes. “I'm losing it aren't I? I'm going to be put on stuff…”

“I’m not trying to scare you, I want to help you,” John shuffled awkwardly, trying to remain calm as his emotions swirled, “If you’ll let me… I can tell you what happened, if you’d like. I just don’t want to upset you. You’re not losing it, you’re fever is probably making it worse.”

“I’m scared John.”

Gordon curled his legs up close to his body like a small child, which given his short stature made him look younger than he was.

“I don't want to know.” He whispered. “Don't think I can handle being told I'm screwed in the head… even if it's from you and you're nice about it. I know it already but just having you know it too…” his voice trailed off.

Gordon buried his head into his knees and sneezed before adding, “You’re the last person I wanted to know I've got the stability of a train crash at high speed. I want to be this ‘Brother’ you expected, hoped that I'd be...to end up with this creepy freak who's nothing like the brother you wanted.” 

Tears started to slowly cascade down Gordon’s face and his body shook with sobs and the occasional sneeze.

“Fuck...sorry I'm a shitty wreck of a brother, even if only by genetics. You should drop my sorry arse and walk away.”

John moved swiftly to Gordon’s side and pulled him into a tight embrace, ignoring the way Gordon’s body stiffened in shock. Affectionately, he smoothed his long fingers through Gordon’s hair to calm him. He wanted to take away and absorb the pain his brother was in, to eradicate the fearful and hateful thoughts that were poisoning his brothers psyche.

“You’re not a wreck and you’re certainly not screwed in the head… I’d never leave you. You’ve had a lot to adjust to over the past few days and it can’t have been easy for you to have to deal with such a massive change. I can’t imagine what it must feel like. But I’m going to be right here with you to support you if you need it. No one is going to force you to do anything you don’t want. We’ll play it by your pace, what you want, alright?” John meant every word he was saying, though he wasn’t sure if Gordon was listening.

The shaking in his brother’s body began to cease, John still holding him in a protective embrace. Though he was not qualified in any way to assist his brother, John had been battling an anxiety disorder of his own in private. He had first sought help whilst in England a year or so after Gordon had been ripped from his life which had served to exacerbate his fear of abandonment that had stemmed from their mother’s passing. John found that therapy was of little help, his intellect sufficient enough to already understand the roots and reasons for his issues, and had outright refused medication… Until last year.

John slowly scooted up the bed, lying down and gently coaxing Gordon to lie in front of him, the shorter man’s head seating against the slim chest of the young blonde. 

“You don’t have to be afraid of anything, Clownfish,” John whispered against Gordon’s hair, “Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”

Gordon’s arms shakily wrapped around John to hold him tight as he broke down. There were no more words, just great big terrified sobs.


	15. things kept in closets

“I'll get it!” John headed for the front door, moving himself from the couch beside Gordon who was rugged up and watching tv, containing his sneezes into tissues.

Scott looked up from his cooking in the kitchen and smiled. “That's got to be Alan, John. He was supposed to arrive today but with the snowfall we had I was worried his bus wouldn't make it.”

“Alan?” Gordon looked up too, even if it was with less enthusiasm than Scott. He wasn't sure if he was ready to meet another sibling who had no idea who he was anymore.

Reaching the front door, John opened it quickly to reveal his younger brother wrapped up in a large scarf and a lengthy coat, training his suitcase behind him. 

“Allie!” John grinned as he wrapped his arm around the youngest Tracy who was 

“Alright, Johnny?” Alan chirped as he pulled John down into a hug. “You’re getting taller by the hour I swear!”

Offering to take Alan’s suitcase, John ushered the youngest into the flat and following him through the hallway after shutting the door. John left the suitcase in Alan’s room and returned to sit beside Gordon on the couch, slipping his arm around his shoulders. 

Alan walked through back into the living area after greeting his eldest brother in the kitchen. There was a man on the couch beside his blonde brother who Alan didn’t recognise, John’s arm was draped affectionately around the stranger who was eyeing Alan with a weary nervous stare. 

“Hey, hey Johnny!” Alan’s face burst into a smile. “Has my flamboyant sibling finally got himself a boyfriend!?” 

John was quick to remove his arm and flushed pink while Gordon frowned and looked rather hurt.

“Try again, Rocket boy.” Gordon's voice sounded unimpressed. God damn it'd be a hell of alot easier if he was John's boyfriend, he wouldn't have to go through the weirdness that he knew would come next.

“Alan!” John hissed, his face flushing bright red, “This is Gordon!”

“Nice to meet you, Gordon,” Alan greeted, confused as he sat down in the armchair opposite the two awkward figures before him.

John twisted his body and returned his arm around Gordon’s shoulders who visibly tensed at the action, “It’s OUR Gordon, Allie. He’s back.”

Alan’s face remained confused for a moment before things finally clicked into place, his young face flickering like a lightbulb had been switched on in his brain. 

“Gordie?”

John felt his older brother twitch at the mention of his childhood nickname as Alan looked wide-eyed at him. The youngest Tracy leapt from his seat and bounded over to the couch, pulling both John and Gordon into an awkward half-hug.

“Easy there, Rocket boy.” Gordon tried to pull away. “Gotta cold. You don't want it.”

“DUDE!” Alan chirped excitedly. “Where the FUCK have you been?! Was worried you died or somethin’ and Dad covered it up!”

Scott coughed and glanced away. “Virgil had this theory you were kidnapped and was buried in the outback in a barrel somewhere. Took months to convince him that was a bit extreme.”

“No worse than you’re pickled and your head was in a jar somewhere on the Island in those warrens Dad is dicking around with. I swear he's gonna hit lava and there won't be a house anymore!” Alan laughed, still squeezing the crap out of his estranged sibling.

John snorted before wriggling out of Alan’s vice-like hug. “Ease up a bit, Allie,” he nudged the youngest, “You’ll squeeze him to death.”

Alan relinquished his hold on Gordon and sat down beside him, the older man still eyeing him nervously,

“You wait ‘til Virge sees you! He’ll be so happy you’re back!” Alan piped as he playfully punched Gordon’s arm, earning a barely audible growl.

Glancing up at Scott who was stood over them, John shifted slightly as he watched the eldest nod his head towards the kitchen before standing up and following him. 

“You didn’t ask Virgil to come here, did you?” John asked bitterly when they were out of earshot of their other siblings, “After our conversation?”

“No, he does know Gordon’s here though.” Scott answered him. “He's known since he arrived.”

Gordon slunk deeper into the blanket as Alan excitedly bombarded him with questions until he finally got some words of his own in. “How long you been Rally driving Alan? I saw the trophies. That big one is for the Dakka, when did you do that one? How'd you fair in the barren sandy desert?”

“Did that one last year,” Alan beamed, eager to talk about his racing accomplishments to any poor soul who would listen, “It’s nothing like the track racing I do, but its a fuck load of fun! The sponsorships are nothing like track racing either”

Gordon nodded along. He didn't mind Alan nattering his ears off as it took the attention off his past. The longer he could keep Alan talking about himself, the better.

Alan continued to brag about his many triumphs and how keen sponsors were to sign him. Keeping on about how many girls there were that had been chasing him for attention, Alan puffed his chest out slightly, his bright baby-blue eyes full of excitement. 

“Suffering the lurgie then?” Alan prodded Gordon’s chest as he sneezed again.

Scott’s raised voice came bellowing from the kitchen as John stormed out, a foul expression on his face whilst he darted into his room, door slamming shut in his wake.

“Did I arrive at a bad time?” Alan asked, visibly slinking back. 

Gordon shook his head. “It's been a disaster.”

“How come?”

“You’re looking at it.”

“Ohhh, shit really?”

Gordon nodded. “Everything has hit the fan since I arrived. Not sure it's going to get better either. I'm sorry Alan, this is going to be a horrible Christmas for you both.”

Slow and unsteady on his feet, Gordon got up and plodded around towards John’s room while Scott’s back was turned, viciously cutting something in the kitchen bench. Clearly both sides of the argument were frustrated with the other.

Gordon tapped on the bedroom door. “Hey Duckling...want to talk? I'm happy to just sit in silence while you rant.”

“Come in,” was the grunted response. 

John was sat in the middle of his bed, back against the headboard and knees held close to his torso. He’d left all the lights off, his room darkened by the blackout blind on the window blocking the waning evening light. His breaths were rapid and sharp with indignation, eyes darting around intensely as he felt his nerves twitch.

“Hey.” Gordon mumbled, closing the door behind him. “Where's the fire? Alan is shitting bricks and kiddo’s only just walked in the door. Don't worry, Scott isn't getting out of it either - Alan’s more persistent than I care to be by how fast his mouth was running back there.”

He sat on the end of the bed. “Don't have to tell me squat, I figure it's none of my business but it quite frankly wouldn't be happening without me around feel free to shout your guts out...I think I already know anyway.”

“You do?” John hauled his elongated legs further into his chest. 

“Yeah.” Gordon sneezed. “It's obvious. Don't need to be a genius to work out that it involves Virgil, my mental state and other things in relation. I don't need the details...but acting like two children fighting over a toy truck isn't helping anyone.”

“So what? He's spoken to Virgil. Why wouldn't he? He called my first day here. Scott has every right to ask him to stay if he feels fit, it's his flat. He also has every right to not trust me alone with you or Alan and I'm inclined to agree.” He sighed heavily.

“However, Scott hasn't spoken to him since. I checked.” Gordon turned and flashed a Cheshire smile. “Let's just say the respect and trust in him I have is mutual. Actually I was hunting for correspondence with Dad and luckily for me Scott is on my side… reluctantly if that maybe.”

“You don't want to know what Dad thinks.” Gordon’s smile waned a little but was still there. “Scott and I are not on the same war path, but we're not on dad's either. To be honest, do you think it's fair I've seen all of you and not Virgil? He might think it's rather unfair being stuck under Dad’s authoritarian thumb while we're all looking free as birds - even if we are not.”

“Sometimes...you have to think about things as a whole and not in little pieces. It's hard sometimes but all we all forget there's a bigger picture.”

“Turns out you’re not the only one he doesn’t trust anymore,” John muttered, looking up at his sibling smiling before him. “He’s gone behind my back and contacted my university to dig through my personal life.” 

Stretching his legs out along the bed, John slouched down onto the pillows surrounding him. His left thumb nervously tapped each of the fingers on his hand in turn repeatedly as he pinched the bridge of his nose with the other hand.

“He’s not made Virgil come to stay, I know that much. But this was brewing long before you came back, you shouldn’t blame yourself, Clownfish.” John sighed as he tried to calm himself down, deep breaths filling his lungs as his body shuddered. 

John felt Gordon’s hand rest on his shin, giving his leg a reassuring squeeze. He was surprised to feel the sense of annoyance and his frenzied thoughts instantly starting to release their hold.

“Ok...is it about the drugs I saw stashed in the corner your room the day I visited? ‘Cause I'm sure he knew you were drinking and partying long before he checked with your university.” Gordon gave John a look. “Dad may not have acknowledged me the day he dumped me here but I wasn't the only one he has choice words about to Scott...infact he was pretty mad with Alan too - Dad said something about him breaking every window in university with an exploding rocket. Not sure if it's true but Dad certainly has dirt on all of us.”

“He's also blackmailing Scott to do the dirty. Wanna know why he's going to the Ukraine? It's not because of the air force.”

Gordon slipped a phone out from under the blanket and flicked a few buttons. “Number codes are easy to crack. Stupid passwords are only four numbers long.”

He scrolled along till he found what he wanted. “Scotty, I need you to take one of my scientists from my company to the Ukraine to talk about some new metal they've discovered. I know you are not happy with my little project but once it's all done maybe I'll put a good word in for you to to be reinstated in the main body of the air force instead of the reserves. Your post traumatic stress disorder can't last forever and damage your career the way you've let it.”

John lifted his head up, his mouth gaping open as he stared at Gordon. “You’re shitting me,” he exclaimed, “I wondered why he hadn’t been on base more often whilst we’ve been here. Shit, I had no idea… Fuck… I’ve been such an arse to him for him checking up on my ment- Uh...”

Averting his gaze to the floor as he sat up, crossing his legs opposite Gordon. It was time to be honest with his sibling, he had opened up to him, even if Gordon had little or no recollection of it.

“Those drugs… They aren’t what you think they are,” John admitted, noticing his fingers twitching in the familiar anxious tick, “They’re… Prescription pills.” 

The younger man paused to appease his rapid breaths, reigning them back as he allowed the rhythmic tapping of his thumb and fingers to keep his thoughts from getting out of control.

Gordon's other hand reached up over those twitching digits and enclosed them in his palm, putting the phone down he turned over John’s hand and started to draw swirling patterns on it and watched as his younger brother calmed down.

“That's why you don't want me on medication...right? Because of what it does to you?” He said softly. “I'm not blind, nor am I deaf. I've seen and heard you talk to Scott when you think I'm not watching.”

“Truth is John...I'm beyond medication for this. It wouldn't help. It doesn't for everyone but if it helps you...then use it until you have a better way.” Gordon reassured his sibling. “There's a fine line between brilliance and insanity and sometimes you need those incredible highs to get out your most passionate works, but you'll have powerful lows too, days you can't get out of bed. It's ok to want control over that.”

“But for some...that balanced flat line is when we are most dangerous to ourselves. I've.. I've thought about suicide alot since being here…” Gordon chose his words carefully, “But if I was on medication I would miss the highs I've had even if I've boned them up by being a dick...I wouldn't be happy around you if I was on them...making me sadder, wanting me to end it all more. Sure, right now I'm having a rather bad low point but with support I'll get through...you can count on it.”

He then gave John's hand a gentle squeeze. “We all have secrets John, ones we don't want everyone to know and that's fine. What's not fine, is what Dad is blackmailing Scott to do, asking about all our personal details...and my exile...it's not us who's at fault.”

“It's Dad.”

Exhaling the breath he didn’t realise he had been holding, John leant his head forward against Gordon’s chest. His body was drained of all energy and anger. “You’re not wrong there,” John sighed, aimlessly tracing the lines of Gordon’s open palm in his hands. “I don’t even want to be on this medication, it’s just… I can’t even deal with the basics of university life without them. I don’t want to have secrets, not from you...”

“I owe Scotty one hell of an apology,” John exhaled, “Fuck… When did I become such a self-absorbed prick?”

“I blame Dad. He managed to find ways to break us… maybe not intentionally but that's what's happened and now… he’s planning something that he thinks will fix it. He wouldn't have dumped my fucking sorry arse here if he couldn't use me after all this time. Keeping the four of us in one place ensures we’re not going to do something dangerous until whatever he's got coming, he needs us for.” 

Gordon’s shoulders sagged. “No matter how far we run, how hard we fall or how brilliant we succeeded...we're nothing but pieces of clay for a chess set, waiting to be molded into something we'll never be free from.”

“But we'll think we're free, because it's the only kind we'll have. False hope.”

“I’m not sure what he’s planning, but whatever it is… It’s making me nervous,” John said as he nuzzled his head further into Gordon’s chest, “But at least if it means you’re not going to be taken away from me - from us - then I’m at least glad of that.”

“I could be wrong with Dad too you know...so don't quote me on it.” Gordon seemed to be thinking. “Alan said he's been digging? What for? That doesn't add up.”

“Go back… talk to Scott with a more level head. Ask Alan to help if something isn't working.” Gordon sneezed, this time, blood was all along his pyjama sleeve from his nose.

“Oh joy. I fucking love colds. I might lie here if you don't mind.”

“Stay there as long as you want,” John smiled as he used the blanket to wipe away some of the blood from Gordon’s nose, “Thank you, Clownfish… For everything.”

“Gotta be useful sometime in my life. Even if it's only for now.” Gordon replied, laying backwards on the bed. “Oh hell, world’s spinning too...Good times….”

“You’ll always be useful to me, Gordon… You’re more important than you realise,” John wrapped his brother up in his duvet, running his lithe hand through matted auburn hair, “Take care, alright? I’ll be back to check on you later, shout if you need anything.”

John smiled as he left the room to head back into the living area in search of Scott. Alan was nowhere in sight, John suspected he was probably unpacking his belongings. He found his older brother stood smoking out on the balcony. Picking up one of his own menthol cigarettes, he pulled the door open and stepped out into the snow, his bare feet melting through the powdery ice.

They stood in silence for a few minutes before John finally spoke up, “I’m sorry, Scotty,” he offered, shuffling his body close to his older brother and nudging his arm. “I’ve been a total unreasonable arsehole-”

“Johnny,” Scott interrupted quickly, his head whipping round to look at his younger sibling, “Don’t.”

Looking up into the eldest’s deep steely-blue eyes, John saw that they were glistening with a thin film of tears. He cuddled towards Scott who swung his arm around the teenager’s shoulders, holding him close. 

Sometimes, things are better left unsaid.


	16. Bonding

“So, what are we supposed to do with all these?” Alan said, tipping out all the decorations. “There's no tree! Scotty left us without one!”

“Never fear, we got one.” Gordon sniffed as he lifted the box onto the couch. “Come help me assemble it.”

“Assemble it? You mean we got PLASTIC this year?”

“It's still seven foot, Alan. Taller than most real trees you buy.”

“Wait… seven foot… that's almost touching the ceiling!”

“Just help me Alan, otherwise we are not going shopping for booze and stuff for Christmas Eve! I want to make a strawberry trifle and I need more than jelly, I need the liquor too.” Gordon tapped the box in frustration.

Stubbing his cigarette out, John opened the balcony door and stepped back into the welcoming warmth of the living room as his siblings were wrestling to set up the large white tree he had selected from the store. Taking a seat on the couch, John observed with quiet humour as the two short teens attempt to assemble to higher parts of the trees. 

Alan took a few steps back before, to John’s horror, launching himself at Gordon’s back, loudly laughing his head off. Memories of the rage that had been unearthed in Gordon by a simple snowball flooded back to John, who leapt up from the couch with his heart racing as he watched on in fear.

To John’s surprise however, Gordon merely growled in protest before catching Alan’s legs under his arms in a piggy-back style, before lifting him to reach the top of the tree with relative ease now.

Slumping back to the couch, body anxious although he was relieved, John heaved out a long breath as he began to relax slightly. 

“Looking great, guys!” John offered.

“Heh well you picked it.” Gordon smiled, tapping John’s leg. “Come on Duckling, takes more than Clownfish and Rocket boy to decorate the damn thing.”

“As you wish,” John grinned, bowing slightly.

Standing and grabbing a length of tinsel from the floor, John draped it around Gordon’s shoulders before looping it around his neck a few times as if it were a scarf. Chuckling to himself, John crouched to sift through the various decorations they had accumulated over the last few years.

“Guess you two short-arses will want me to decorate the top, huh?” To prove his point, the tall and slender Tracy reached his hand to the top of the tree to adjust the top section so it was perfectly straight. 

“Hey! I'm six feet! I'm not THAT short!” Alan snorted. “Gordo’s the short arse here!”

“Ok Alan, enough.” Gordon’s eyes narrowed as he removed the decorations off his person. “I have a short fuse still and you’re cutting it mighty fine.”

Stepping between his brothers, John looked at Gordon pleadingly, “Its fine, right Clownfish?” He kept his tone firm, “Let’s just get the tree decorated then we can head to get some booze.”

“Don't try being like Scott on me, John.” Gordon turned his back to his siblings to toss the decorations he had on the tree. “Doesn't suit you.”

He sighed. “Got to manage my aggression better yes, but my own way and it takes time. Don't force it upon me just yet.”

Recoiling slightly and softly biting his tongue, John slipped quietly to the floor and set about sorting through the box of lights, untangling them from one another. Keeping his focus on the clumped mass of wires, he listened as the others playfully bickered with one another over the decorations. 

By the time John had separated the four sets of led lights, Gordon and Alan had accomplished very little in the way of getting decorations onto the tree, rather more on the floor, shining ornaments littering the plush rug beneath the coffee table. 

Selecting the multicoloured lights, John stood and began to wrap them meticulously and neatly around the false-white tree. Alan, clearly frustrated with how long it was taking his immediate older brother to complete the lights, barged John to one side to haphazardly throw them around the top. 

“Fuck Johnny, it’s a damn tree not a work of art! Never known someone be such a fuss-ass,” the cocky blonde quipped, shooting John a look of annoyance. 

“Arse.”

“Huh?”

“It’s arse, Alan… Not ass…”

“Gordon what are you-“

“Learn the difference, ya little shit… Scott didn’t know the difference either. Your education isn't worth the money if you can’t figure that out.”

John snorted as Gordon reeled off a few more insults in Alan’s direction. Sniggering, John picked up the set of outside lights he had purchased last year for the balcony before nearly looping them around the guard railing and pulling the wire through the the base of the door.

“You know your accent sounds awful Gordon.” Alan poked out his tongue. “Sounds like you swallowed a box of sharp rocks.”

Gordon raised an eyebrow. “And yours is any better, Yankee Doodle Dandy? Still getting over a cold remember, what do you want me to sound like, Sam Neil? No wait… less obscure… Chris Hemsworth.” he grinned. “Personally I thought I sounded like Paul Mcdermott from DAAS, right down to the singing voice but hey, we all like to think we sound like someone else.”

Alan just stared. “No idea who the fuck those are Gordo.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Alan, you can't tell me you've never seen Jurassic Park and Day Z.”

Alan shook his head and Gordon wrapped some tinsel around his shoulders an hung a bauble from an ear. “You and I need a serious talk about films from the nineties, early two thousands and worlds greatest comedians who sound like the devil but sing like angels.”

John plugged in the lights and stood back to look at his siblings as they continued to add ornaments to the tree.

“So what’s the plan for tonight then?” John enquired as he picked up a few decorations to add higher up the tree.

“After we get snacks and booze?” Gordon thought about it. “I think that film you wanted to watch the other night sounds good… unless you guys have better ideas?”

Alan thought too. “We can play some board games… I have jungle speed floating around. Hey, maybe some music too!”

“Like a party?” John added, ignoring the glance of disapproval from Gordon, “Sure! I’m up for that!”

“Brilliant! Party games and drinks!” Alan grinned as he dipped his hand further into the decorations and pulled out a false sprig of mistletoe, “Hey Johnny, c’mere!”

John turned around as the youngest waved the mistletoe at him, planting a sloppy kiss on the side of his older sibling’s face, much to his disgust.

“Bleh!” John spat as he heaved a cackling Alan away from him, “Fuck off!.”

Alan howled with laughter as John grabbed him in a headlock and started to dig his knuckles into Alan’s scalp, messing his slicked blonde hair up in the process. 

“Ahh! Hah! Johnny… Quit it!”

“You two are buying snacks… no way you guys are going into the bottlo with me.” Gordon shook his head.

John dropped Alan to the floor, “Aww… C’mon Clownfish! We’ll behave! Right Allie?”

Alan rolled over ungracefully, swiping John’s legs out from under him and pouncing to tickle his older sibling until he was crying in laughter and struggling for breath. 

“Point taken,” John admitted as his sporadic laughter subsided, “We can give you a list though, can’t we?”

“Sure. The type of stuff I enjoy might cost a fortune here so happy for an alternative. Just nothing pissy or stupidly strong.” Gordon outlined. “Not buying shit to watch you two fuck yourselves over too much.”

“Hey, don't you need to be twenty one?” Akan asked.

“Nope. I'm not an American, so that doesn't apply to me when I can legally drink at eighteen. And I still have my driver's license, thank fuck for small miracles.”

“That’s lucky then! I can hold my drink pretty well,” John grinned as he looked at Gordon, “We can have a few at least?”

“Liar!” Alan shouted, a smug beaming look on his face, “Scott told me about the time he had to come and find you because you’d gotten so drunk you couldn’t figure out where you were or how to get home! You were three miles away from your dormitory when he finally found you.”

“Shut up, rocket boy!”

“Ok ENOUGH!” Gordon snapped. “No list, you'll fucking drink whatever I buy. Sheesh.” Gordon pinched his brow. “No wonder legal limit here is twenty one, they treat you like children here until then and forget to teach you to be adults. No wonder America is the laughing stock of the world still.”

“He still is a kid,” John sighed gesturing to Alan before chucking the mistletoe back at the youngest. 

The three of them completed the finishing touches to the decorations. John quietly cleared away the mess of tinsel pieces and baubles that littered the floor before packing the boxes into Scott’s room. Alan had slinked off to hide the mistletoe somewhere around the apartment before returning so they could head into town.

John tapped Gordon in the shoulder and tossed him the car keys. “Huh? Thought we were walking? Scott trusting me all of a sudden is he?”

“You could say that,” John wagged his eyebrows, “C’mon let’s get going.”

Following Alan into the convenience store, John watched on through the large windows as Gordon entered the liquor store across the road. Alan was quick to select all manor of chips, dips, chocolates and sweets in copious amounts before dumping them all in a basket and adding yet more processed treats as they went.

In the bottlo Gordon was studying alot of the independent brewed beers, mumbling at ingredients and alcohol content trying to find stuff that didn't sound like death in a bottle. He already got a decent strawberry liquor and was shocked at the lack of quality in wines. Looking at the overseas beers he was disappointed the only one he recognized was VB and that was one he couldn't stand. 

“This bottle shop is full of shit.”

“Oh? Connoisseur are we?” 

Gordon looked the shop assistant. “This all you've got in regards to imported beers?”

“Well yeah… for the likes of you.”

Gordon’s fist shot out and yanked the clerk down to his level. “Mate, I'm trapped in a country that’s fucking backward, has bullshit fucking weather and I've been out of prison just over two weeks. If your going to smart mouth me I'm more than happy to smash any one of these over your head. I know you might possibly have a gun under the counter but only a few days ago I brought down a racist nut job to his knees for threatening me with a shotgun. Imagine what I could if you pull out a pistol?”

He let go of the man and smiled. “Now, do you or do you not have beer that doesn't sound like it tastes like watered down cats piss?”

John occasionally craned his neck around to see if Gordon had left the liquor store yet. Checking Alan was still preoccupied with candy, John turned his head once more and imagined Gordon’s direct and piercing stare now fixed upon his through the glass between them. 

Twitching, John ducked his head down and continued to help Alan with the snacks whilst avoiding looking out of the window again. 

The unpredictability of Gordon’s temper was a little disconcerting for John, knowing there would be little he could do if Alan continued to wind their older brother up.

John was not, however, afraid for his own safety in any way. He had such confidence, though for what reason John wasn’t sure, that Gordon would not harm him. 

There was still that magnetic pull, the attraction which drew him closer to the older man. Perhaps this offered protection stoked the embers he had tried to extinguish in regards to his feelings towards Gordon.

Ever since the fever fuelled night where John had patiently persisted to reach into Gordon’s mind and try to remove some of the hurt, ever since the kiss, John had been tormented by dreams of forbidden thoughts.

There was no respite during the day either, the handsome man that was the object of his desires, his own brother, was every bit as intriguing and desirable as the version in John’s dreams.

He was sick, but part of him was so sure that Gordon’s feverish confessions had a spine of truth to them… They couldn’t be just incoherent ramblings, could they? 

John was rudely interrupted from his thoughts as the shopping, now bagged up and paid for, was shoved into his chest to carry as Alan peeled the wrapper off a candy bar.

“Stop daydreaming Johnny. Come on, Gordon is waiting in the street.” Alan nudged him. “What's a matter, gonna ask the cashier out on a date?”

“Shut up, Allie,” John flushed as he carried the bags of junk food out of the store after his brother.

Trudging through the slushy snow on the sidewalk, John looked up to see Gordon’s eyes fixed upon him. “Get everything you wanted?”

Gordon held four very heavy looking bags up with a loud clicking sound. “Buy your snacks and grabbed me some packets of jelly?”

“Shit!” Alan exclaimed as he turned and darted back towards the store, “Knew I forgot something!”

Heading back to the car with their shopping in tow, the three brothers kicked their way through the clumps of snow pushed up by snow ploughs.


	17. Mistle toe and beer

Back at Scott’s apartment, Gordon started to unload the alcohol to begin creating his strawberry trifle concoction. 

“So what booze have we got?” John asked as he dipped his finger into the custard that Gordon had whipped, tasting it as he smiled at his sibling. 

“Look yourself.” Gordon indicated towards the bags. “There's Aussie beers, Canadian, English and even Sake.”

Digging through the bag, John pulled out a bottle of strong British ale and rifled through the cutlery drawer until he found a bottle opener, popping the crimped cap off and taking a swig. Satisfied with the sweet warming taste of hops, he pulled out the tall bottle of Sake and eyed it carefully.

“Ugh, as much as I love Sake, it definitely doesn’t love me…” John grimaced, “Drank way too much of it one night.”

Frowning when there was no response from Gordon, John leant his chin on his brother’s shoulder to see what he was doing.

“I just bought a mixture.” Gordon said eventually. “Hey with your…” he waved the custard covered spoon around, “Meds..are you allowed to drink alcohol?” He asked, sounding a little more concerned than he usually would with people around him drinking themselves stupid. “Some can really mess with your head when mixed together.”

John brushed his hands across Gordon’s to scoop up some of the custard that was ready for the taking. “Strictly speaking? Probably not,” he admitted, dabbing a bit of custard on the end of Gordon’s nose, “But I’ve not had a problem with it so far.”

“That you’re aware of.” Gordon swatted John’s hand with the spoon. “Germy fingers out of the damn custard.” He turned to catch Alan in the fridge. “And YOU leave the jelly alone otherwise it won't set.”

“That's a full bottle of liquor you tipped in there Gordon!” Alan whined. “It's a waste!” 

“Out of the kitchen, BOTH of you.” Gordon growled. “Or no damn trifle when it's set!”

Picking up the bottle of Sake and his half finished ale, John retreated from the kitchen nudging Alan out as they went. Sitting down on the couch, John necked the rest of his ale and smiled as he saw Alan bringing over two small glasses. 

“Sake shots? Really, Allie?” John grinned as he took one of the glasses from his younger brother. 

“Know any good drinking games?”

“Other than the tongue twisting British riddles? Not really! I’m sure Scotty has a deck of cards around here somewhere.”

“Oh you mean these?” Alan produced a tattered set of cards from his pocket and dropped them into John’s lap.

Upending the cards from their box, John began to shuffle them as Alan poured Sake into the glasses and spouting out childish card games they could use. 

Gordon watched from a distance as his two younger brothers were slamming down the shots and wondered who the hell taught them to party. Then again, parties as far as he was concerned required outdoor Barbecues on a forty degree day in the backyard chasing friends under a sprinkler or tossing them into a pool and feeding your charburnt snaggs to the dog.

Where's the music? Where's the snacks? 

Gordon flitted about the kitchen opening the treats his siblings bought and pulled a face. It was all lollies and chocolate. Where was the potato chips, doritos, twisties and cheetos? Crackers and dips? The finger food?

Sighing, he walked across to the radio to put on some music and paused as both John and Alan started yelling out suggestions.

“Metallica!”

“Death's head, gotta be Death's head man!”

“Ohhh how about some rap and dubstep? Love me the beats!”

Gordon chewed his lip before swigging his own beer, thankful his brothers were not the least bit interested in his Cascade larger from Tasmania. He fiddled with the station until something he recognized came on, causing both John and Alan to look up and snigger because he chose something with a damn piano in it.

Gordon ignored them, nodding his head along and before Alan could open his mouth to complain, Gordon had grabbed  him playfully as he started to sing along, a big grin on his face.

_ You might put your love and trust on the line _ _   
_ _ It's risky, people love to tear that down _ _   
_ _ Let 'em try _ _   
_ _ Do it anyway _ _   
_ __ Risk it anyway

He leaned over and pulled John close so both his siblings could hear the mirth and twisted joy in his voice.

_   
_ _ And if you're paralyzed by a voice in your head _ _   
_ _ It's the standing still that should be scaring you instead _ _   
_ _ Go on and _ _   
_ __ Do it anyway

_ Do it anyway _

Standing up and walking away only to leap up on the armchair and scull the remainder of his bottle, Gordon had started to really get into the spirit of fun the only way he knew how. _   
_

_ There will be times you might leap before you look _ _   
_ _ There'll be times you'll like the cover and that's precisely why you'll love the book _ _   
_ _ Do it anyway _ _   
_ __ Do it anyway

_   
_ _ Tell me what I said I'd never do _ _   
_ _ Tell me what I said I'd never say _ _   
_ __ Read me off a list of the things I used to not like but now I think are ok

He stepped down as his brothers stood up, looking at each other trying to work out if they were really seeing things, to then grab them and dance gleefully around them.

_   
_ _ Sometimes it's not subjective: wrong and right _ _   
_ _ Deep down you know it's downright wrong but you're invincible tonight _ _   
_ _ So you _ _   
_ _ Do it anyway _ _   
_ _ It's done _ _   
_ __ You did it

_   
_ _ Despite your grand attempts the chips are set to fall _ _   
_ _ And all the stories you might weave cannot negotiate them all _ _   
_ _ Do it anyway _ _   
_ __ Be honest, anyway

With his siblings laughing and enjoying themselves, Gordon then bounded up onto one of the dining chairs and onto the kitchen table , picking up another bottle and opening it with a flick of his wrist and flicking the cap at Alan.

_   
_ _ So tell me what I said I'd never do _ _   
_ _ Tell me what I said I'd never say _ _   
_ __ Read me off a list of the things I used to not like but now I think are OK

He sung the bridge at the top of his lungs, John now clapping along excitedly and Alan dancing around the table with wild childish glee.

_   
_ _ It's gonna be so very hard to say _ _   
_ _ And watch the trust and joy all drain from her innocent face _ _   
_ _ But you must _ _   
_ _ Do it anyway _ _   
_ _ It sucks but _ _   
_ __ Do it anyway

_   
_ _ Call it surrender but you know that that's a joke _ _   
_ _ And the punchline is you were never actually in control _ _   
_ __ But still, surrender anyway

_   
_ _ Tell me what you said you'd never do _ _   
_ _ Tell me what you said you'd never say _ _   
_ _ Read me off that list of things 'cause I used to not like you _ _   
_ __ But now I think your OK!

As the rest of the whimsical music played out , Gordon jumped down and the three of them danced around the living room, jumping around and really getting into the spirit of being silly and letting their hair down - although the drinking game Alan and John had been involved in had left them already in a hyper silly mood which the running around was helping it flow through their systems like a fire in a forest.

Eventually, Alan had to surrender due to laughing so hard. “Ok, ok! I HAVE to go before I piss myself. Holy cow you're full of energy when you want to be Gordon!” He chuckled.

“Don't fall in the thunderbox ok Alan? Otherwise I'll send John in to fish you out!”

“Pfft! Ha!” Alan snorted as he headed for the bathroom, walking on an angle and bumping into the wall on his way down the small hall.

“Gees we've only just started and already you kids can't hold your liquor!” Gordon laughed. “Hey John how much have you -”

Lips pressed firmly against his, and he was brought into a tight embrace.

“Woah! Wait what gives?”

“Mistletoe. You’re under it.”

Gordon blinked as John kissed him again, more passionately than the last, making sure Gordon couldn't back out or back down, pressuring him until he started to reciprocate and kiss back after the shock wore off.

When he was finally allowed to breath, John grabbed him and lead Gordon off to his room, pushing him against the door once inside, his drunken hands pawing all over him passionately while both of them kissed each other, only stopping occasionally to breathe.

Gordon had no idea how drunk John was but was getting a sense that it was ‘very’ likely his tall, slender sibling was drunk enough he wouldn't remember this sudden bold attempt at sex.

As hands snaked down the hem of his trousers, Gordon grabbed them and tugged them out hurriedly only to have John's blue eyes stare at him seductively. 

“Don't you want to Gordo?” He purred, sexual desire dripping off every word. “Your body is saying it wants to.”

“You've got no idea, John…” Gordon panted. 

“Then why are you stopping me?”

“Because -” Gordon breathed out inbetween John's lustful kisses. “You'll never forgive me if I do.”

“Do what? Fuck me?”

“Yeah...you'll regret it the second you'll sober up.”

“Aww you're no fun, Gordo.” John teased, his hands wandering down towards his older brother's groin again. “Why not have some fun?”

“Because you’re drunk...and you’re my younger brother.”

“So?” 

“John, just because I want to stick my dick deep into you and make you cry for me to fuck you harder, doesn't mean I will… I'm not that kind of guy. I don't want to be that guy… I don't ever want to hurt you.”

“But you'll make out with me instead, hmm?”

“Don’t make me choose, John. At least you won't remember kissing me.”

“Is that a fact?”

“Yes.”

Gordon pushed his taller sibling away. In his heart he knew this was wrong but there was no denying the sexual attraction he felt. John needed a real lover, not some creepy older sibling who knew nothing about fulfilling his desires.

Gordon was devastated he'd never be that person but those were the rules.

John's hand lifted his head and said, “Then keep kissing me, Gordon. Because it will be the only time anyone I have feelings for ever will.”

“I'm sure there will be.”

“But they won't be you.”

“John -”

John pressed his lips to Gordon's, his tongue seeking to tango with his sibling’s. “It's Jonathan… to you.”

And with that, Gordon kissed him back with just as much energy and passion, pushing John backwards towards the bed, making out with him with as much need and desperate longing, his body rubbing against his brother's, his jeans clearly barely able to hide how much he really wanted to go further than first base.

Even so, Gordon resisted, even when the heavy petty started, John’s hands under his shirt trying to convince him that sex was what he really wanted. Gordon eventually had to pin John's arms down and hold him in a tight embrace in fear of his self control giving out and doing something that would make John hate him for the rest of his life.

Just one night of kissing… that's it. Even if John won't remember in the morning - which was highly likely with how fast he dropped to sleep and was snoring - Gordon got the first, last and only taste of what could have been… if they weren't related.

He lay there holding onto John, aware that he would have to let him go and walk away before he ruined his sibling’s life forever.

Alan wandered out of the bathroom and looked around the living room before crashing on the couch. Clearly his brother's were not the party types after all and not capable of lasting the entire night drinking. He fell asleep in a loud drunken snore, oblivious to the fact his older brother's kissed under the mistletoe and almost had sex with each other.

 


	18. Painful reminder

The ambient sound of the city center several miles away was deafening as John’s pounding head finally roused from his groggy sleep. It sounded as if the thousand elephants were trampling across vast sheets of corrugated steel, a klaxon in each of their swinging trunks. 

John groaned weakly as he screwed his eyes shut, the thin skin of his eyelids allowing too much light to assault his retinas. The dull thud of his pulse was thrumming against his temples, exacerbating the waves of nausea and bitterly alcoholic bile that threatened to erupt from his delicate stomach. 

Shifting around he became acutely aware of the presence of someone beside him. Mind foggy with an almighty pain, John tried to piece together any memories that presented themselves. Where was he? Who the hell was he in bed with? Had he really been wasted through his first sexual encounter?

Pawing a hand at his body, John was relieved to feel the presence of clothes still in place on his torso. Whispering softly, John tentatively opened an eye, light streaming in causing him to instinctively screw it tightly shut again with a low groan. 

John felt as the person beside him stir from their slumber. Forcing his eyes open to identify the individual he was sharing the bed with. 

Gordon slowly stirred, opening his eyes and regarding the pained look on his younger brother’s face.

“Mornin’, how’s the hea-”

John’s hand shot up to cover Gordon’s mouth as he winced, his brother’s words hammering into his skull as another wave of torrid nausea washed through his body.

“Don’t…” John hissed, his gravelly voice barely above a whisper, icy blue eyes pleading with Gordon to remain silent.

Gordon let out an amused snort as he moved to sit up. “Then don't over do it next time.” He gave John a playful, non sympathetic jab. “You’re lucky I was still sober and I’m your brother, but if you're like that at those parties you go to, you better watch yourself.”

“Gordon! Must you be so loud?” John growled out as he hid his head under the duvet, shoving his older brother’s legs as hard as he could, “What do you mean?”

“I'm whispering. It's your hangover, doofus.” Gordon stood up and started to change out of his crumpled shirt into a nicer T-shirt. “And it's Christmas morning too so no need to be an arsehole.”

“I'm just saying that you should be careful. You’re very… pliable when drunk and you’re lucky that I'm not someone who'd hurt you for how you acted under the influence. But I think I can see why it worries Scott too if you've been drunk around him before.”

He stepped out the bedroom and walked into the living room where Alan lay drunkenly draped over the couch. “Merry Christmas!” He said, slapping Alan’s foot. “Wake up sleepy head! Time to have breakfast!”

As he walked back into the kitchen, Gordon collected the pitiful amount of bottles and stuck them in the recycling before opening a beer for himself. “Now, that's what I call ‘breakfast with happiness’.”

Finally extracting himself from the relative calm of his room, John delicately moved himself into the bathroom to grab a shower, to wash away the heavy feeling of grogginess from himself. 

He pondered Gordon’s words over as he cleaned himself and let the warm water cascade over his tired body. Only blurry memories of dancing with his siblings were running through his mind. What on Earth did Gordon mean by ‘pliable’? What had John done that was so bad as to bother his brother in such a way? 

Returning to his room to get changed into fresh clothes, John picked up the bag containing presents he had purchased for his brothers and shuffled slowly into the kitchen to find them both drinking from beer bottles. His stomach lurched as he placed the bag on the floor.

“Hair of the dog, really?” John grimaced as he watched Gordon take another swig of his beverage. “Happy Christmas, guys.”

Gordon pushed his drink over to John. “Best hangover cure...that and I didn't get wasted like you two.” 

“Ohh! Presents time! Let me grab mine too!” Alan said excitedly. “Er...sorry Gordon if I knew you were here..”

“It's ok Alan.” Gordon said smiling. “I didn't get any at all as I didn't expect to wind up here in nothing but the clothes on my back and even though Scott left me some cash, it's only food shopping I can use it on. So… don't worry your little strawberry blonde locks ok?”

After taking an experimental sniff at Gordon’s drink, wincing slightly, John picked up the bottle and drained the remaining contents in one shot. Slamming the bottle onto the table, John released a loud breath and shuddered at the strength of the drink.

“I’ll happily take any further suggestions for hangover cures right now,” John grinned as he retrieved another beer for Gordon, “I warned you about the Sake.”

Alan returned to the room with a bag in one hand, “We gonna go sit by the tree?” 

After trudging through to the living area, John handed Alan his present and passed Gordon a small package wrapped in silver and blue paper.

Gordon blinked in surprise. “Uh… what's this John?” He asked. 

“Looks like a present, Gordie.” Alan quipped, laughing loudly and brushing his blonde curls back out of his face before he handed John his gift.

“Oh.” Gordon flushed red and slunk back a bit. “I said I didn't get anyone anything and kind of expected the same in return… I can't accept it John, I really can't… I mean I can't return the favour…”

“I didn’t get it for you because I expected one in return, I got it because I hoped you’d like it,” John reassured, “It’s nothing major, I wouldn’t get too excited.”

Alan tore open the decorative paper from the box that John had given him and grinned widely. Under the paper was a scale model of a vintage candy red Ferrari two-fifty GTO race car. Alan launched himself eagerly at John, excited thanks spilling out of his mouth.

“Thank you!” Alan squealed as he knocked John backwards in a bundle wrapping him in a tight hug. “Open yours, open yours!”

Carefully peeling back the paper, John revealed a box containing a Star Laser Projector which would illuminate a room with galaxies and stars. 

“Woah, thanks Alan,” John smiled, looking over the projector as he pulled his younger brother into a half-hug. “This is really great! Will make my dorm room look way more interesting.”

Gordon hesitated opening the gift John got him. What if it was something expensive? He'd never forgive himself that his brother wasted so much money on someone who suddenly walked back into his life one day. He put the gift down and went into the kitchen, opened another beer and skulled it's entire contents for courage.

Coming back to sit down, his heart pounding in his ears, Gordon Tracy started to open the gift.

It was a photo.

Not just any photo though, the same one Scott had on his mantelpiece that had him - Gordon - hacked out if it. Only this time he was still in it, still smiling with his arms around Alan and John in the front of the group. 

Alan was seven, John eight and Gordon nine.

His lip trembled, though he was unsure why.

John watched as Gordon eyed the photo frame intensely, “Sorry it’s nothing more interesting,” John murmured, slipping his arm around Gordon for comfort. 

Alan peered over at the photo that Gordon was hunched over, grinning as he saw which one it was, “I love that photo of us,” he quipped, “The troublesome threesome, front and center!”

A small huff of air pushed through the small section of auburn hair that hung in front of Gordon’s face. John felt his brother’s shoulders judder a little under his arm, looking down he saw a small droplet of water on the glass of the photo frame.

“John’s really missed you Gordie,” Alan added before hastily continuing, “Not that I haven’t missed you, cause I have… But it’s different… He’s not been the same without you.”

What was he supposed to say? Hell! What was he going to do?

Looking at that picture was a kid with a family, a future. A kid who worked hard - so damn hard to impress people who didn't give a damn shit the second he cocked up.

And now what? Which was worse, a family who didn't want him or siblings who were total strangers expecting him to be the same kid as back then ignoring that he was no longer one of them and could have this current state of affairs taken away because of the twisted things inside of him that lurked under the surface, or that their father had the power to take absolutely everything away.

He couldn't keep running or lying forever.

“I - I can't accept this John.” His voice shook as it struggled to escape his lips. “I'm not that kid anymore, haven't been in a long time. The fact you guys right now don't seem to understand that and expect it to be true doesn't make it so.”

He freed himself of John’s attempt to clutch him tighter, put the picture down and stood up with his head hung low. “I will never be allowed to become one of you and I hope like fuck you never end up like me. Please stop trying to make me something I'm not or never will be.” 

Gordon then turned and walked for the front door and walked out into the main building, needing to desperately put himself at a distance from his two younger brothers for at least an hour or so until he get his head in order. 

They missed him, he got that message loud and clear - but they didn't ‘miss him’ as per say, they missed the person he used to be and expecting him to be that after so long of being made to feel ashamed and unwanted because of that, to be bullied, become a bully himself, to lash out and end up in prison for being that little kid whose dreams were smashed and grounded into dirt, the kid who lost more than just a race but his entire family…

He could never be that same brother again and they needed to accept it.

Busying himself preparing for their meal, John spent the next hour or so sluggishly peeling the root vegetables, taking great chunks of flesh out of his hands because his attention was elsewhere. Alan had set up his games console and was happily playing driving games loudly in the front room. John had no idea whether he should have done enough for Gordon, unsure if he would return at all, but he had prepared enough food for at least four people to eat well.

Checking on the meat that was roasting away in the oven, John picked up his menthols and left the kitchen to head to the balcony. Alan lifted his head away from the screen for a brief moment when John drifted behind the couch.

“You ok, Johnny?” He piped up, pausing the game and leaning his head back to look at John upside down.

“All good, Allie,” John reassured, ruffling his brother’s hair affectionately.

“Weird isn’t it?”

“Huh?”

“The way it’s him… But it isn’t…”

John paused as he looked at his brother’s face, a troubled look on his reversed features. It pained him to say it but Alan was much more observant than he was when it came to reading situations involving people. As brattish and boisterous as Alan could be, he could be perceptive and caring if he so wished.

“Just saying, he looks almost the same, but unless you look hard enough you don't really see what's actually there… I mean we only see what we want, not really him… Heh I dunno, not making sense.”

Alan shifted around to get comfortable before unpausing his game. “We're not the same little kids we were back then, we had to grow up, become adults. Same goes for Gordon though he probably had to grow up faster than us in a way, you and I are still pretty sheltered and treated as children even though we're old enough to vote and drive a car. Dad still helped fund our schooling despite us working our arses off in shitty jobs to prove ourselves and even then they were still in the safety of dad's company.”

“Gordon hasn't had that. He's had to go through everything without the support we had, without being ‘babied’ into the real world as slowly as we have. That's pretty obvious when you sit down and really look at him, you can see darkness and alot of hardiness of someone who had to fight for everything he ever wanted.” Alan bashed a few buttons and yanked the controller around. 

“He knows we got stuff he never did. He knows that just because he's now being allowed it, it can still be taken away and that even if you or I fuck up we'll be at least still be able to get back up again because we will always have each other - something he thinks he will lose again if he cocks up royal again. Ah damn it! Stupid AI driver's cheating!”

John blinked a few times, watching as the considerate part of his brother rapidly dissipated before him, “You can be a sharp-eyed and pretty wise bugger when you want to be, Alan,” he smiled, swinging himself on the back of the couch leaning over to look at his brother, “I just wanted him to know that we don’t think he’s the failure that dad treated him as… That he’s still wanted. Y’know I’m not great at this kinda stuff. It’s bizarre, he doesn’t feel like family…”

Alan’s head whipped around to look at John, a sour look on his face, “Oh yeah, that’ll make him feel wanted, Johnny.”

“Not like that, it’s… Uhh… It feels like he’s always been there but, I- I don’t know, like he’s my best friend that I’ve not seen in years… Maybe it’s myself I’m trying to convince that he’s still that person when we were kids, not Gordon.”

Attention focused back on his game, Alan shrugged quietly before hurling curse after curse at the TV. 

“Thank’s Alan,” John smiled, waving his head infront of his brother to distract him from the game long enough to hear the sound of crashing metal.

“JOHN!”

Darting onto the balcony and closing the door, John grinned until he saw Alan twist the key in the lock before removing it and placing it into his pocket smugly, middle finger pressed up against the glass.

It was really late when Gordon returned. He wasted most of his time wandering into town and back and got a shock that the shops here were still open, even on Christmas day. Looking at the money Scott had left him he pondered if it was worth going against his older brother's instructions and spend the money on gifts to say sorry for being an arsehole on one of th most overrated and hyped family occasions of the year.

He stepped into a sciencey looking shop and came out with two parcels, one requiring a bus trip back to the apartment because it was huge. Only the light from the heater was on when he walked in, the glow illuminating John who was curled up on the couch, two plates of dinner on the coffee table untouched and stone cold.

Gordon felt horrible, knowing exactly who John was waiting for - a sibling who was never truly going to come back. At the end of the couch by his feet, Gordon left the large box leaning against it, hoping that when John awoke he'd see the large and very expensive telescope that Gordon blew most of Scott’s money on and slipped the bottle rocket kit into Alan’s bedroom and put it on his desk.

He ate his cold dinner in silence, wrapping John’s up and putting it in the fridge before cleaning up and heading to bed.


	19. still kind

John awoke to the sound of an excitable shriek from Alan’s room, bolting upright on the couch as the door to his younger brother’s room burst open.

“Johnny, look!” Alan hollered as he bolted over to the couch clutching a bottle rocket kit in his shaking hands before thrusting the kit into John’s face. “Look at what Gordon got for- WOAH... what’s that!?”

His eyes followed Alan’s outstretched index finger to a large box at the foot of the couch. John sat up and pulled the box towards him opening the lid and investigating the contents.

“Holy shit! That must have cost him a fortune!” Alan breathed after giving a low and enthusiastic whistle.

John’s mouth was hanging open in shock as he examined the expensive telescope within the vast cardboard box. “I… I don’t…” Words were lost in his head as he looked up at Alan’s beaming grin.

The commotion over the impressive telescope had occupied the younger siblings so they hadn’t noticed Gordon emerging from his room and leaning quietly against the wall, observing them as they excitedly began to assemble the telescope to look at it in all its glory.

He smiled and after a while silently slipped off to take a shower and make pancakes for breakfast, his brother's only realizing his existence when they could smell food.

“Gordon!” Alan cheered as he leapt at his brother, pulling him into a hug, “Thanks for the bottle rocket set! Can’t wait to unleash a few of those later!”

Releasing Gordon, Alan inspected the sweet smelling pancakes that were frying away in the pan. “Oooh, don’t tell me you can cook too! These smell great, can I try some now?”

Hearing his brother’s excitement, John headed into the kitchen to seek out Gordon. Alan dashed past him, throwing him against the wall as he tried to escape their older brother who chased after him with a spatula for a weapon. Alan bounded into his bedroom and slammed the door shut, laughing maniacally. 

John pushed himself away from the wall and wrapped his arms slowly around Gordon’s shoulders, pulling him into a grateful embrace.

“Thank you, Clownfish… You really shouldn’t have spent so much money on me… But holy shit that is the most impressive telescope I’ve seen at consumer level!” He rambled slightly before sighing, “Sorry for the photo, I just wanted you to realise you’re loved, that I’m so happy you’re around… Even if you feel like you’re alone, I’ll always be here for you.”

Pulling back, holding onto Gordon’s shoulders, John spoke again in a quieter tone, “I just need to get used to the fact that we’re not the kids in those photos any more, I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“Hey… it's ok..I'm sorry for taking it personally. My bad.” Gordon let John go and smiled sweetly. “I...I felt I needed to make it up to you. It doesn't make up for being a shitty sibling and stepping into your life probably to be yanked out if it again in future.”

He sniffed. “Shit! Pancakes are burning!”

John watched as Gordon ran back towards the kitchen, following him quickly as he tried to save the pancakes that were currently in the pan.

“You are not a shitty sibling… Stop saying that!” John encouraged as Gordon cursed loudly trying to flick away bits of the pancakes, “And you certainly don’t need to make up for anything, not to me… Never to me! You won’t be taken away again, will you? I thought you were here applying for a study visa? That would mean you’d be around for at least a year or more… Right?”

Gordon fell quiet. “My Visa got canned. Unless Dad interferes I'm only allowed here a few months.” Gordon frowned at the burnt pancake and shrugged, pulling at it and eating it himself. “I still can't get into a university either. I guess marine sciences are out of reach for the likes of me. I don't know what Dad will do with me once my passport expires and gets me booted back to Australia… hell I don't know what I'll do back there even.”

He sighed. “One day I'll take you to Sydney… you'll love the three sixty rotating restaurant there. The view is beautiful.”

“I’d like that very much,” John grinned as he looked up at Gordon, “Does sound like you’re asking me on a date.”

“You.. Didn't listen to the rest of that did you?” Gordon poured another pancake out. “Doesn't matter. Dad's not that nice.”

“I did listen,” John retorted indignantly. “What can I do to help? If Dad is determined to make things difficult for you, then we’ll find a way around it… I could try talking to Scotty when he gets back? See if there’s anything he can suggest… Or I could talk to Dad?”

“I don't know.. You can have a look at my paperwork...but there's something you need to know that makes it harder -”

“Ok, I give Gordie!” Alan butted in, hands up in surrender. “I'm too hungry to hide.”

“We can talk about it later, don’t worry,” John smiled as Alan slid further into the kitchen, “You’re last in line, Allie… I was here before you.”

Alan thumped his fist into John’s arm as he glared at him, “Bullshit! That’s not fair!”

“Oh piss off!” John snarled, grabbing his arm and pushing Alan away from him with his back, “Go and play on your game for a sec, huh? We’ll bring the pancakes in a bit.”

“Just take a seat, both of you. I'll bring them over with some jam. Kind of wish they sold Nutella here.”

“Nutella? What's that?” Alan asked.

“Hazelnut chocolate spread. Tastes great in pancakes.”

It was clear the conversation with John over his visa was over. Gordon more than relieved he didn't have to tell him his history.

After finishing the pancakes that Gordon had made, Alan had once again fired up his games console and turned up the volume, John groaning at him.

“Thanks for the pancakes, Clownfish,” John shouted over the noise of the racing game. “Want to get out the apartment for a bit?”

Gordon nodded, watching Alan yelling at the tv. “A coffee sounds good to me.”

“C’mon then, I’ll take you to my favorite coffee shop if you like?” John stood up, taking all of the plates back to the kitchen, Gordon following after him. “It’s nothing fancy or special, just a nice quiet place where I do assignments when I stay here.”

“Sounds good. Uh… can I borrow a jacket? It was fucking cold yesterday and I think I've got a cold again.”

“Of course you can, help yourself to anything in my room, I’ll just get this lot cleaned up and we’ll go.” John smiled, sticking his hand on Gordon’s forehead, “Maybe we can pick you up some flu tablets whilst we’re out… and I thought MY immune system was bad.”

“John, if you spent a day in Adelaide this time of year, you'd be suffering heat stroke with the lack of water I see you drink.” Gordon snorted and poked his brother in the chest. “Come on, need your help with jumpers.”

Laughing heartily, John followed Gordon into his room in search of warmer clothes for his brother. “And when you take me to Sydney, you can laugh it up when I’m dying from sweating my arse off… Until then, I can take casual enjoyment in your man-flu suffering.”

John opened his wardrobe and flicked through the coathangers on the rail in search of a warm jumper or jacket for Gordon to wear. “See anything you want before I pick something you hate?” John nudged his sibling before pulling out a large black leather jacket and holding it up in front of Gordon, “What about this? This would look bloody great on you.”

“Leather? In winter?” Gordon reeled. “Anything else?”

“Leather for all weather,” John smirked, crooking an slender feathery eyebrow up at Gordon, “No? Very well… Uhh, how about… Ooh here we are, this is more like it!”

John lifted out a deep navy blue double-breasted trench coat, holding it up next to Gordon, it was a little longer on him but would still look smart. 

“You gotta wear this one, guys will be falling at your feet when they set eyes on you!”

“Not as much as it probably looks on you.” Gordon smirked. “Nowhere near as gorgeous looking as you are. you're like… like a famous singer or something.” 

Gordon flushed red and looked away aware he had said too much. He knew John was being nice to him and didn't need the flattery but the level of attractiveness between them was clear - John was the glitter, the gold, the butterfly and Gordon was the was the ugly duck, the patterned moth trying to be decorative enough to blend in and not eaten by bats.

“Oh you wait,” John felt a light heat rising in his face as he offered Gordon the coat and stood back watching his sibling pull it onto his torso. 

John gave a low wolf whistle, smirking wildly as Gordon did up the last button on the jacket. “What did I tell you? Take a look, handsome,” John gestured to the mirror.

Gordon felt his arm tugged harshly so he was stood in looking at his reflection in the silvery glass surface of the mirror. John stood behind him, hands carefully reaching up under Gordon’s arms to flatten the collar and adjust the coat until it looked perfectly in place. 

“One more thing… hold on,” John called as he went to rummage through the wardrobe once more. 

He brought over a slim blue scarf which he slowly wrapped around his brother’s neck and tucking it into the breast of the coat as Gordon stood there in a stunned silence. John stood forward, wrapping his arms around Gordon and resting his head on his shoulder.

“You’ll he beating them away with a stick!” He giggled quietly, giving Gordon’s chest a small squeeze. “They won’t be able to help themselves.”

Gordon watched as John busied himself with another jacket, and felt the heat rise in in features, unsure if it was because his brother was being nice to him or the fact John assumed he was attractive looking enough to get any blokes interested in him. If he was that good looking he'd have had a boyfriend by now, hell he'd have been more of a target in prison and that wasn't the case. 

John pulled on a long blue jacket with a spattering starfield on it and Gordon felt bad that he thought his brother was drop dead gorgeous and if his sibling said he was cute as well then something was very, very wrong. John should have the world at his feet, gay men sending him roses and chocolates everyday, not standing here telling the biggest monster in the world he's attractive. 

“Come on, let's get going.” Gordon forced a smile, grateful he could hide behind the scarf so his brother couldn't see his face and his mixture of embarrassment and guilt.


	20. one step forward two steps back

Walking through the fresh layer of snow towards the coffee shop, John gently looped his arm through Gordon’s, whose hands were shoved deep into his pockets for warmth. Though he felt Gordon’s arm tense slightly, John was relieved when his brother looked up and smiled at him.

Entering the quiet shop, John made to pull out his wallet before Gordon batted it away lightly.

“I’ll get it,” Gordon smiled, looking the most relaxed John had seen him so far. “What did you want? I’ll bring it over if you wanted to grab a table.”

“Americano please, if you’re sure? I’ll see you in a sec.”

Taking his place at a small table in the corner of the room, John sat and observed his brother ordering coffee from the young barista. He watched as the barista happily twirled his mousy blonde hair between his thin fingers whilst taking Gordon’s order, pale silvery-blue eyes fluttering as the stranger unashamedly flirted with his brother.

A sour stabbing and twisting sensation in his gut surprised him, though he had happily joked how men would flock to bask in the warm glow of his brother’s presence. John was not prepared for the envious sense of unfairness that this barista was flashing his teeth and attempting to chat up his brother.

John was jealous. A green-eyed and possessive creature rearing its ugly head within him. 

These were not emotions that John was accustomed to feeling, having never coveted much from another person. He scolded himself internally. ‘You’ve no right to be jealous of the attention your brother is receiving... after all… He’s your BROTHER, you sick freak… and there is no way you’ll ever get to be anything more.’

Jolting back from his thoughts, John was aware that Gordon had returned to the table and was giving him a concerned look. Smiling weakly, John shrunk back in his chair and picked up his coffee, endeavouring to disregard the barista’s constant glances and grins towards Gordon.

“Egh. What a creep.” Gordon pulled a face. Bloke behind the coffee machine has a face like a fucking lawn mower ran over it, teeth that looks like he had been bashed in the face with a echidna and he spits everywhere. 

He visibly shuddered. “Why can't I ever get people who are actually attractive interested in me? They're always gross.” 

Gordon stared at his coffee and pushed it aside, deciding it wasn't worth drinking it. “Monsters for a monster… irony.”

John picked up his coffee and eyed Gordon carefully over the rim of the cup.

“Many boyfriends back in Adelaide then?” He asked, taking a sip.

Gordon shook his head. “No. Who the fuck would be that stupid? Told you before, they're only interested in beefcakes and girls boys… not a normal bloke.” He looked out the window and rested on his curled wrists. “Anyway, no one would go for me even if I did fit those requirements… they're usually scared of me.”

He shifted and looked at John. “You? I'm kinda shocked you don't have them queuing up to worship you.”

Blushing slightly, John shifted in his chair, “Don’t be daft, Clownfish,” he waved his hand at his sibling, “It’s all the wrong kind of attention. They’re only after one thing...”

John watched as Gordon’s face fell slightly, “Why would anyone be scared of you?” he asked, changing the subject swiftly, “You’re far more attractive than you think you are, any guy would be lucky to have you.”

“John, I've...let's just say I've got a pretty bad reputation ok? Lived as a failure most of that time away...people don't forget when you publicly fuck up. They make sure you don't either, come to that and they like to continue to beat you as long as you don't fight back...and let's just say I can use alot of knives to defend myself.” 

Gordon sat back in his seat, glaring over at the barista still watching and on cue, the bloke turned away as if he could feel the danger rising off him.

“Sometimes, personality matters John. I don't have one that's attractive.”

Gordon sighed. “Shame about your luck. Someone as sweet and lovely as you are should be walking on rose petals everywhere you go, getting gifts in the mail everyday, even if they're only after one thing….but you should enjoy the spoils.”

John was about to interrupt when Gordon cut him off.

“I'm serious. You are like...like a sky god when you smiled down on people, you make them feel warm inside and full of confidence and put them at ease. You're persistent in your pursuit of having everyone around you smile and it works, even… even I can't help but feel happy in your presence and I've - I've no right to be.”

Gordon looked out the window again, hiding his blushing face in the folds of the scarf. “And even though we still know very little about each other you've invited me into your life with the most gentle and warm embraces...stuff I outrightly don't deserve. You...you've got so much love to give, I assure you one day you'll find someone who'll return it and be grateful that you're in their life.”

The rosey colour of John’s face deepened as he hid himself in his elongated hands with a quiet groan. His body felt as though there had been a great fire lit within him, burning at his nerves and bones as the heat radiated outwards. 

“Why do you believe you don’t deserve kindness? You’ve been so kind to me in return. You’ve made life exciting again, like it’s…” John stopped himself as words tumbled from his mouth, a nervous habit of his he’d not got to grips with yet. 

Composing himself slightly with a few quick breaths, John revealed his face again and looked over at Gordon, his hands resting on the table. John reached forward and grasped his brother’s hands, squeezing them tight.

“Thank you.”

“You're nice to me and you never give up.” Gordon smiled, honesty radiating off him. “I owe you that in return. It's weird but I don't want to disappoint you at all even though I'm one huge disappoint far as everything else in my life. It… it feels strange.” He pulled his hands back off the table and hid them in his pockets. “Never felt so strongly about making someone happy before.”

A frown flashed across John’s features as his hands were left empty on the table, retracting them back to his coffee. “You could never disappoint me, Gordon.”

John stared intently at his coffee as he listened to the rumble of vehicles outside the window, ripples flowing across its surface. “I think I know what you mean though, I’ve never wanted to make someone smile as much as when I’m with you.” He glanced up at Gordon, “What if… if… Uh, forget it.”

Gordon stood up and kissed John's forehead. “And I appreciate it. I'm gonna find out what happened to my mars bar cheesecake. Can't take this long to serve it.”

Blinking as he watched his brother stride up to the counter, John sighed heavily, his fingers absentmindedly tracing the spot where Gordon had kissed his heated skin.

Hormones surging wildly, synapses firing, John was painfully aware of his own awkward excitement. Guilt and confusion adding to the attraction he felt. 

‘I swear to FUCK if you don’t piss off,’ John thought to his lust driven thoughts, ‘I’ll stick you in the damn toaster.’

Folding his arms and slouching his head upon his wrists, John growled quietly in frustration. Of all the people in the world, he had to have a thing for his brother. 

Gordon returned and nudged John to move so he could put a slice of cake in front of him, one large enough for two people to share. Playfully Gordon tapped him with his spoon and gave John another one before sitting down.

“Well? It's to share so…”

John happily dug his spoon into the cheesecake and swiftly brought the large piece up to Gordon’s mouth, smiling widely at the look of shock on his brother’s face, “Well… You said it was to share… So I’m sharing.”

Gordon snorted with a grin and took a lick of the spoon, unconsciously drawing it out longer than necessary.

“Mmm… not sickly sweet and made with salted caramel filling. That I approve of.”

Gulping quietly, John watched Gordon finish the spoonful, transfixed on his actions. He quickly took another spoonful and offered it up to Gordon again, innocently looking on and urging him to have some more. 

He’d gone past the point of caring now, he was happy to watch the show in front of him, even if he felt like a pervert. He also had very little concern about whether his erection was staying a little longer either. It would only be a problem if he had to get up.

After a few more spoons, Gordon took a finger and stuck it in the cake's caramel and smeared it on John's nose. “Try some Duckling. Or are you trying to get me fat?”

Laughing quickly, John stuck out his tongue and tried to lick away the caramel from his nose, going cross-eyed in his attempt and making Gordon snort with amusement.

John flicked his eyes up to meet Gordon’s and wiped the sticky amber substance from tip of his nose before collecting some caramel on his own finger and drawing it between his lips.

“Seriously John, how the fuck are you still single?” Gordon laughed nervously. “If I wasn't your brother I swear you were being a cock tease.”

Saying it aloud made Gordon feel less awkward about how he felt, wishing right now he wasn't related to him so he could pin John to his seat to make out with him.

Why does fate have to be so cruel? He let out a sigh and took a big spoonful of cake, taking forever to suck the spoon clean, his thoughts wondering why the first chance he meets an attractive potential love interest he had something preventing him from making moves on them. Such is his luck.

“Uh… Hello? Earth to Gordie?” John laughed as he gently pulled the spoon out of Gordon’s mouth, “And you were calling ME a cock tease? You’ve been getting pretty personal with that spoon for the last few minutes.”

John chuckled as he took another portion of cake onto the same spoon and returned it to Gordon’s mouth, “You can always do it again though,” he grinned, his blue eyes flashing innocently.

Gordon looked at him shocked and flustered. “S-sorry.”

He removed the spoon and hid under the scarf, fully aware he was embarrassed and giving himself away. Also, why was John saying these things about him? No one has ever…

That was it though wasn't it? No one - not a single person in his life had ever said he was attractive or a cock tease, heck no one had ever liked him before and only now it was sinking in that someone was actually trying to tell him he was worth something other than dirt. Sure it's not really about him being smart, nice ect...but still, hearing anything positive about himself was a big deal even if it was only sexual appeal.

“Would love a real one to try it on.”

He didn't realise he said it until it hung in the air, making John drop his spoon.

“I didn't mean that, I meant-”

Without hesitation John was up on his feet, leaning across the table with his slim lips pressed hard up against Gordon’s, hands cupping his brother’s face firmly. 

He drew his sibling closer towards him and slipped his small velvety tongue between Gordon’s lips, brushing it against that of the other’s.

Gordon pushed John away and held him at a distance, scanning his eyes. “What are you doing?” 

“I… I just…” John stuttered, eyes locked nervously with Gordon’s. “I wanted to - I’m - I’m sorry.”

Feeling exposed and embarrassed as his impulses died, John started shaking, breathing hitching quickly as he felt eyes of the people around them scrutinising his every move.

“Heh...next time maybe a hug or a kiss on the cheek, yeah? D-don’t think french kissing is how brother's behave...unless you do that to Scott and Alan everytime they say stupid things about sucking cocks in public.”

Gordon laughed ill at ease but at least attempting to make light of an awkward situation. “Or maybe you do since I'm the first? Guess it could be worse…kissing me is better than kissing Scott at any rate.”

John felt sick with embarrassment, for being unable to stop himself from kissing his own brother. He couldn’t look at Gordon, his words cutting through the panic only to stab into the sick part of his psyche to blame for his feelings.

“Hey, if you want I can always sneak into the back alley here with you can you could teach me how to suck it.” Gordon grinned, teasing and being a complete idiot. “But I'm sure you wouldn't want that seeing as you told me your not interested in people who only want you for your body...so that rules me out.”

“Cheer up John, just teasing. I already know people wouldn't want me sucking them off let alone fucking them so you shouldn't be different.”

Screwing his eyes shut and trying to wriggle free of Gordon’s arms, John’s hands flew up instinctively pulling at his brother’s wrists. “I’m s-sorry!” He whispered as he wrenched free of Gordon’s grip, stepping back and hiding himself as if he were exposed.

“I’m sorry... I didn’t think… That you… I just thought that when you said, oh shit...” John shuddered nervously again, his breathing erratic now, before darting from behind his seat toward the door, “I should go… I’m sorry.”

John loathed himself for what he had just done. He had jumped to completely the wrong conclusion and had potentially pushed away the one person in the world who was so important to him who treated him for who he was.

Gordon sat there a few minutes, pinching his brow. Why the fuck did he say that shit? No wonder he has never gotten laid. 

“Ah fucking hell fire.”

He stood up and walked outside to where John was fumbling for a cigarette and his lighter, tapped him on the shoulder and as his younger brother spun around, he drew him into a deep kiss.

Time stopped, sound died, everything just froze as Gordon returned his brother's little burst of passion inside the coffee shop.

When he broke it off, Gordon took John’s lighter and lit his cigarette for him. “Before you turn it into an ashtray.” He said, before walking off ahead, heading back towards home.


	21. weight on the shoulders

Laying in bed, Gordon tossed and turned. since coming home from the coffee shop, John had avoided him, choosing Alan’s company as a way of keeping him at a distance. As much as it pained him, he had to agree that this was for the best.

He spent time focusing on fixing his visa, ringing around colleges and applying for jobs, anything to get his mind off his brother’s avoidance of him. It paid off and tonight for the first time since he arrived, he wasn't stressing about someone in his family but over an interview. If he was successful, they'd fix his visa and he'd be in a few courses, getting his education back on track from where he left off. It wasn't much but fuck, it was more than he hoped to ask for.

And no one else knew.

He wanted to tell his younger brother's the good news together but everytime he got near, John walked away and since Alan didn't know about his reasons for being there it was pointless telling him.

Or - maybe he just should?

Getting up, he walked towards Alan’s room but first ducked his head in John’s. His brother, the one that made his heart flutter was fast asleep and cuddling a pillow on the bed, Alan’s Christmas gift illuminating the room and the telescope tucked into the corner with a few shirts over the top of it.

He sighed. What did he honestly expect though? John probably had a better one somewhere in storage. Gordon shut the door quietly and knocked on Alan’s door.

“Hey, rocket boy...you awake to talk?” Gordon asked the door. “I have an interview tomorrow and I need some advice.”

Alan rolled over and groaned dramatically, “I’m awake now, Gordo,” he yawned, “What’s up?”

“Actually, know what, don't worry Alan.. Sorry to wake you.” Gordon sighed realising he annoyed his youngest sibling at some god forsaken time of the morning. “I should sort it out myself.”

“Nah, c’mon Gordo… You’re ok, come talk to me,” Alan mumbled, “I’ll do what I can to help.”

Gordon closed the door behind him. “Uh ok so whatever I ask stays between us ok? John and Scott are not to know. I suspect Scott does already with how he's hostile to me but I never want John to know.”

He took a deep breath. “I need help taking an interview and talking about my criminal record and time in prison. The college I applied at said that not only do I need a police check, I need to repeat everything in front of a board of education at the college as well as a police officer to just get past the approval stage. I've never done it before, fuck I've never sat in a room with several people scrutinizing my education and back history this major before…”

Alan took a few moments to respond, his face in deep thought. “I’ve had to apologise to a press release party a few times for stupid stuff I did that jeopardised my driving career, so I could help you write how shitty it was that it happened and how sorry you are for it… You’d be amazed how well that can work!”

His youngest sibling gestured for Gordon to sit down at the foot of the bed on a wooden chest, “Well that explains a hell of a lot… What did you do?”

“Stole a few cars, mostly of teachers who treated me like shit.” Gordon admitted. “Last one resulted in a high speed chase beyond Coober Pedy ‘til I ran out of fuel, then I assaulted the police officers in pursuit and stole their car. Was caught around about the Devil's Marbles in the Northern Territory. Landed two years in prison.”

He sighed. “Then I brushed shoulders with some pretty despicable people, did tattoos for them and other things which extend my sentence a bit… look I lashed out, depression and suicide were something I struggled with till one teacher pushed me too far. Prison was better than killing myself.”

“I don't know how much Scott knows, enough to dislike me I guess. I never want John to know however, I seem to be in flux with him right now… I don't fully understand where I'm standing around him.” Gordon scuffed his barefoot on the well worn carpet. “I seem to keep fucking that up the second I fix it.”

The youngest seemed to pause, thinking carefully about his next words. “Thanks for telling me, Gordo… I really appreciate it,” Alan spoke softly, “As for Johnny? Well you gotta remember that he was the one most affected by you being taken away. He used to sit up waiting every night until Scott was forced to drag him away.”

“So I've been told.” Gordon hung his head. “That's why I don't want him to know. Every time I try to tell him I'm not someone worth his time or idolizing and yet...he still does and I can't stop it, he won't listen to me.”

“Surely he’s capable of making that decision for himself?” Alan yawned again, “Maybe you’re not listening to him.”

Alan shuffled himself in his bed so he was sitting up against the headboard, baby-blue eyes piercing through the dark.

“Y’know there’s a problem when I’m becoming the voice of reason, right?” The youngest snorted, “You think lying to him is any better? Don’t worry I’m not going to breathe a word, just think about it… How honest has he been with you? Will you be honest with him?”

“Look,” Alan sighed, “It’s no real odds to me what you do, whether you tell him or not… He’s been miserable for so long... I’m just glad to see him smiling again.”

“I think the fact I have a desire to fuck him that makes this entire conversation moot.” Gordon said flatly, fully outing himself without holding back. “Lying is the only way I can deal with it and keep in check.”

He grabbed Alan's shocked shoulders. “Confidential, remember? I'm only coming clean to you because I can beat the crap out of you if you out me.”

“Now… forget about my fucked up sexuality a minute and try and focus. That way I can get out of everyones hair and away from John, safe from me. It'd be better this way.”

“B-but… You… You’re kidding, right?” Alan stuttered, feeling the grip on his shoulders tighten, “Ok! Ok… Did you want me to help with the speech thingy? I can do that. We can list everything down you want to mention so you don’t miss anything.”

“Yes, thank you Alan.” Gordon let his younger brother go. “I already submitted an essay, that was what I was doing the other day at the post office when you and John went into the arcade….I'm going for Marine science, however they've also kindly offered me a few courses for those years of school I missed… like Maths, English etc...though English is going to be one that's fucking interesting coming from another country.”

He relaxed and sat down on the chair by Alan's desk. 

“You didn't miss me much I gather...just like Scott.” He said, indicating the photos. “Probably a good thing really.”

“I didn't mean to find John attractive either...I didn't know he was who he was when I first met him.” Gordon stared at his shoes and swallowed. “Now I can't shake that crush and it's starting to scare me that I might...look, I just- just want my family back but I know that's never going to be. I have to go and this might be best option I have.”

“If I fuck this up Alan, I'm better off dead or back in prison. I don't have any room to screw up....”

“If this is really as important as you say it is, then I will do whatever I can to help you, Gordo,” Alan smiled weakly, “You’re still my brother and I sure as hell don’t want to see you back in prison.”

“So… You gotta try and seem like you’re sincere, like you’re sorry for what you did… That’s what I had to do when my bottle rocket… Uh… ‘Incident’ nearly caused my sponsor to ditch me. Worst of all, you have to try and kirb the attitude.”

Gordon nodded and hesitated. “That's going to be hard. I don't know how you can feel sorry for utter fucking wankers with dicks growing from where their head should be calling me a useless failure and other shit, being stuck alone to fend for myself for a huge chunk of my teens.” He looked up and smiled a little. “You may need to teach me to be a better liar.”

“Try to keep in mind the reason you’re doing this, I find that helps,” Alan offered, pulling a notebook from his bedside table and flicking through the pages until he found a blank one, “Here, you don’t have to tell me your reasons, they’re personal to you… But write down each and every reason you can think of for why this is what you want… What is driving you. Go on, write them down. Keep them for yourself as a motivator.”

Gordon stared at the note paper and tried to think about what he wanted and why he was doing this.

Redemption… showing his father who was wrong… for John to be proud of him and be something worth respecting…

Except there’s nothing there is there?

He handed Alan the pad back with one word written on it.

John.

“Oh… Uh… Then make sure you think of… John for the whole time. It’ll help you appear more genuine.” Alan offered, tearing out the page and handing it back to Gordon, “So… What is it that you need to sell on then… Like what about yourself are you trying to put forward as a quality that they would want.”

Alan watched as Gordon shifted uncomfortably.

“Ok… What I mean to say is… Well there has to be something about yourself that they will want to have as a part of that course. So think on that. You’re persistent and tenacious, you’ve got that going for you! My publicist said that using fancy words for your bad qualities can make ‘em sound good… And she said use the words ‘contrition’ and ‘remorse’ a lot, apparently it makes you sound more authentic.”

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t have to explain car stealing or anything like that… But the principle is the same. If it feels like you’re grovelling… It probably means you’re doing it right, even though it feels like shit,” Alan grimaced, “And it WILL feel like shit. If you have any ounce of pride… You should swallow it down before you go in there.” 

“They're in luck I guess.” Gordon sighed. “I have no shame or pride so groveling might be easy.” 

Alan observed Gordon’s face in the low light of the city through the window, noting the exhausted expression that ensnared his features. 

“Are you really doing all this for Johnny?” Alan queried gingerly, unsure what his estranged sibling’s reaction would be. “I don’t get why you’d go through all the effort for the mopey shit.”

“He's the only one who still believes in me.” Gordon said quietly “Even I don't believe in myself because I know there's nothing to believe in. John at least did - until a few days ago. It's all I've got as everyone else either wants me to fail or just stay out of their lives.”

“It's all I have.”

“A few days ago?” Alan questioned, “What happened?”

“I said something dumb.” Gordon replied. “I always say something dumb. Not terribly good at keeping my craw shut”.

“Oh…” 

Shifting under his bed covers, Alan moved himself further up to face Gordon properly where he sat at the desk. “So… Do you think you’ll be able to give it a go? Or do you need to practice?”

Gordon thought about it. “I may be ok.” He stood under. “Thanks you Alan. You won't need to worry about stupid old Gordon again after this. Even if I don't get it, you won't need to worry, my expired visa will make sure of that. Everything will be in dads hands if I fuck up so...last chance of freedom better watch itself.”

“Good luck, Gordo,” Alan yawned as he sunk back into his bed, “You can do this I’m sure. Speak to Johnny before you go, it’ll help you to focus.”

Gordon nodded and left Alan to sleep, heading into the kitchen to sit at the table to drown himself in beer. Right now anything was better than stepping into the lion's den of the one person avoiding him like he suffered the plague.

What he wouldn't give to kiss those thin soft lips and say sorry, to show him he meant no harm. 

He eventually went into his makeshift room and started packing his few belongings away until he got to the photograph John gave him and placed it on top of the bag of stuff. 

If it all goes pear shaped and their father dumped him somewhere else all alone again, at least this time he'd have something to look at before he slit his own throat.

Woken by the rhythmic rumbling snores of his younger brother in the room beside him, John pulled his pyjamas on and padded out into the main part of the apartment. It was still dark outside but there was light streaming from under the door to Gordon’s room, which had been left slightly ajar.

John hesitantly edged his way over to the room and prodded the door open, peering inside to see Gordon sprawled out on the narrow bed. Cerulean eyes fell upon a bag neatly packed beside the door and John frowned.

Slipping silently into Gordon’s room, John nudged the bag away from the door and looked around, each small trace that Gordon had been there was gone. John made quick work of sliding into the small bed beside his sibling, pulling him tightly against his own body.

“Don’t go…”

“Go where? I just tidied up. Room looked like a bomb hit it so it needed fixing.”

“I didn’t realise you were awake. You’re packed to leave… I can tell,” John whispered into Gordon’s hair, “I… I don’t want you to go. Not when you’ve just got back.”

“Where would I go John? I don't have anywhere to run. I'm not going anywhere.” Gordon shifted to look at his younger brother. “Why are you caring anyway? You've avoided me lately...ever since…we kissed.”

Closing his eyes tightly, John’s muscles tightened as he held Gordon closer. “Because I kissed my brother,” John admitted quietly, gulping harshly, “You said yourself that’s not how brothers behave, I didn’t know what to do…”

“Then it's a good thing you kept away. Don't want to do something you'll regret right?”

John’s eyes opened rapidly and darted to meet Gordon’s. “Who says I’ll regret it?” He breathed.

“It's all over your face and in how you behave, John. Don't push it.” Gordon growled. “This isn't what you really want.”

“So I’m scared of my feelings… Aren’t you?” John murmured, “You have no idea what I really want. Don’t be like everyone else and tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”

“I'm not telling you squat.” Gordon grunted. “You're feelings are misplaced in me...and mine are in you.”

John recoiled away from his sibling slightly, arms retreating to protectively cover his chest. “I’m sorry I thought… that you felt…”

Gordon rolled on top of John, pinning him to the tiny bed. “If I was to fuck you right here John, what would you do?”

“I… I’d… Uhh…” John stuttered, his body in a state of paralysis and words melting from his mind as he felt Gordon’s body pin him in place. There was no fear, just electrical nerves and excitement. 

“I’d enjoy it.”

“Would you really? Would you wake up next day, knowing your older brother fucked you long and hard all night and not freak out? Would you be prepared to live with the fact you commited incest?” Gordon growled, hiking John's legs up over his shoulders, watching the reaction of panic and fear take over his sibling’s features.

“G-Gordon! St-stop it!” John hissed quietly, his brothers words slicing into his thoughts, “You’re doing this on purpose. Quit fucking with me!”

Gordon leaned in and kissed John harshly, keeping him from squirming. “Why would I waste my time with that? Thought it was obvious what I wanted and why I keep telling you no.”

“Because, John...I'd fucking love to take you.”

“But you’re p-pushing me away, I don’t know what you’re thinking! Stop for just a sec, please? Don’t shut me out,” John pleaded, searching his sibling’s eyes for any kind of indication of his actions.

“Shut you out?” Gordon snorted amused. “I'm inviting you in. I can't help it that there's a creature inside that just wants you, wants to make love to every inch of your body...the more you keep seeking it the more it's desire gets stronger.” he kissed John again a little less harder than before but really pushed his point home as John could feel his brother's aroused body through his flimsy boxers pressing against his raised backside.

John yelped at the hard flesh pressing against him, the strong acrid taste of alcohol on Gordon’s tongue now lingering in his own mouth. “G-Gordon! Stop it!” 

Instinct kicked in and John struggled hard against Gordon’s strong hold, freeing one of his arms and bringing his hand to his sibling’s face. 

“Gordon!” John pleaded, moving his thumb against Gordon’s cheek, “Not like this… You’re drunk. Please!”

Gordon sat up and pulled John upright. “Your right I am drunk. I've got the biggest day of my life coming up in a few hours and I'm pissed as a gala. How I'm looking at it though, it doesn't matter if I fail or do well today you and I will be apart where I can't harm you and everyone can forget I existed.”

“I don’t want to forget you exist!” John grabbed Gordon’s shoulders, “What’s happening later? See? I knew you were leaving!”

Tears began to form in the corners of John’s eyes, finally released from where he had been pinned but now his life being ruined before his eyes as Gordon sank back, his shoulders hunching.

“Not a choice I get to make because I want to. It's freedom of an education that will keep us apart temporarily except for a few weeks holiday or having dad take me away permanently. The distance will do us good if the outcome is positive.”

John released Gordon’s shoulders and slid backwards against the headboard of the tiny bed, knees pulled tightly into his torso. Emotionally spent and adrenaline subsiding, John buried his head between his knees and let out a deep shaking breath. 

“Are you saying all of this because you’ve gotten hammered?” John uttered between gulps for air, trying to summon the courage to speak again. “Are you being honest with me?”

“About wanting sex with you or the crap I'm going to put myself under in a few hours?” Gordon flopped on the bed. “Alcohol loosens lips and turns all abilities to lie to utter mush. You should know that. It's like talking in your sleep - you cannot lie.”

“I may be drunk but I'm not shitfaced. I can still function and be responsible for my actions… just got less of a wall of defence up around how I feel.”

He rolled, facing his back to John. “Not that it matters, intoxicated or not, you...you and I-”

Gordon’s words are cut short as John’s lips gently brush against his own, his younger brother rolling him into his back and hovering above him. The kiss grows steadily more desperate as John explores Gordon’s mouth with his slim tongue.

John feels a low growl against his mouth as he straddles Gordon’s narrow hips, neither teenager willing to break to contact.

As if his body was on fire, Gordon grabbed the fabric of John's flannel jim-jams and brought his sibling’s hips down so his brother’s spread legs were pressed against his thin boxers, fully exposing the desire and feelings Gordon had towards John, rubbing his needy body up like he was thrusting into him even if there was no explicit skin on skin touching or penetration.

This time, he freely let John's hands roam his body as now the heat was making the alcohol in his blood seep into his system faster and letting his inhibitions fully expose him. Fuck, John could wank him off right now and he wouldn't say no Gordon fully embracing the crumbling of his walls of self defence.

He still had a bit of control over himself, enough to let John lead anyway - who knows what he'd do if he decided to take over in this state, the monster within couldn't stay chained up forever and even if he had to stick his dick in a toaster it at least was him sticking it into something.

He kissed back fiercely, his own hands exploring John's slender figure though getting battered away when they started to try and slid under his t-shirt or the hem of his pj’s so he could feel his bare arse, finally giving up and grabbing one of John's wandering hands and through the fabric of his boxer shorts, forced John's hand to grab him, feel him and stroke him through the satin.

John gasped loudly into Gordon’s mouth when his brother growled at the touch. It was a noise unlike any other he had heard, full of lust and wanting. John palmed and teased at Gordon’s boxer shorts as their kisses grew deeper. Gordon’s hands roamed again towards the hem of John’s pyjama bottoms, thumbs sliding under the elasticated fabric, fingers squeezing his rump like he wanted.

There was more growling and hip movement, Gordon clearly enjoying every damn thing John did to his body, begging for him to take it further, to be adventurous.

Flinching at the firm grip on his backside, John twitched and shifted his hips away, breaking the kiss and sitting up. Gordon pushed himself up onto his elbows and captured John’s thin lips into another rough kiss, panting heavily as he did so. 

Gordon felt John roughly push him, so he backed off to rest on the bed, looking up at his sibling.

“You're beautiful, you know that?” Gordon whispered softly. “We..we don't have to do this if you don't want to. If that's my send off and last memory I get of you liking me this way then it's fine. I know it can't ever be, known from the moment I heard you tell me your name that the most gorgeous person I'd seen in my whole life was off limits, utterly unobtainable. But then even if you were, you'd never go for me anyway.”

“As someone with your innocence would never want a creature like me.”

“Why do you see yourself as this monster?” John asked quietly, his own breathing still erratic and deep. “You’re incredibly attractive, Gordon, both inside and out… This elusive handsome man stood at my door… A stranger I wanted to get to know better.”

Sliding from above Gordon’s body, John sank to the bed beside him, locking their fingers together. “If we do - y’know - I want you sober, not like this… where I would be a drunken mistake for you.” John whispered as he turned his head to face Gordon.

“You'd never be a mistake to me.” Gordon whispered, burying his head into John's chest. “You'd be the only thing to be right.”

“I want to be sure though, no drink messing with anything.” John sighed, pulling Gordon closer and nudging his head with his chin. “Please don’t go.”

“Have… to..before I ruin...your life.” Gordon mumbled., his voice muffled by John's shirt. “What's good for me will end badly for you and everyone else...and be the end of me.”

His grip relaxed as his voice started to trail off. “Just want to protect the only...thing in my life worth keeping as pure as it is…it’s the only thing I want.”

“Is there anything I can say to change your mind? To keep you here? You’re not going to ruin my life… Why would you think that?”

The only response John got was the soft snores of his brother, muted by his pyjama top. John snuggled into the pillow and held his brother close, allowing sleep to wash over him.


	22. another set back

The day seemed to stretch forever and by the time Gordon came back lugging shopping with him to unload into the kitchen, both John and Alan were up at the kitchen bench, eagerly curious as to how Gordon’s interview with the board of the college went.

“So?” John urged, batting Alan’s hands away from the shopping bags in front of them, “How’d it go? Allie told me you had an interview or something?” 

Gordon shot Alan a look of annoyance and sighed. “Yeah… I did. For a college.”

“And? C’mon Gordo, you’re killing us here!” Alan whined impatiently, bouncing his head excitedly, “We’ve been waiting all day for some news!”

John elbowed his younger brother harshly in his side, “Chill out, Allie,” he hissed, “Give him a minute!”

“They'll let me know.”

Gordon frowned as he lifted out a leaky bottle of milk that had gone everywhere in one of the bags. “Ah fuck. I have to check Scott’s car. Know where he keeps his buckets and cleaning stuff guys?”

John gestured towards the cupboard under the sink, “In there,” he mumbled, picking up the car keys from the side, “Allie, grab some rags and go have a look at Scotty’s car would you?”

“Why me?” Alan huffed, as John threw the keys to him.

“Alan,” John hissed firmly, eyes pleading with his younger brother.

Grabbing some rags and sulking out of the kitchen, Alan slammed the front door as he went to check the car for milk.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because, I didn't know if I'd get it past this stage.” Gordon said quietly. “Didn't want to jinx it or give you false hope.”

Collecting the dishcloth from the sink, John began to wipe up the spillage from the counter, “I hope it all works out for you, what are you hoping to study?”

“Besides me catching up on basic Maths, English, Science and forced American history? Marine science and microbiology and animal sciences...why you looking at me like that? Don't think I can cut it as a scientist?”

“I… Just… I can’t believe it! That’s absolutely fantastic, Gordon! How exciting, of course you’ll cut it,” John beamed happily, chucking the cloth into the sink, “You’ll bloody ace it, I know you will!”

“Yes… well just wait. They have to check my history, education and other things. They're still very much undecided if I'm worth the risk. I need them to make the decision quick as my Visa expires soon and if they're to help me extend it they will have to work fast.” Gordon huffed and gave John a weak smile. “Don't get too excited yet ok? They'll also contact dad to talk to him and I don't see him being a good reference for me.”

“But they didn’t say no straight off,” John offered, resting a hand on Gordon’s shoulder, “If they were that concerned, you’d have been refused almost immediately. You never know, Dad might be happy that you’re trying to get into higher education. It’s not all doom and gloom just yet, Clownfish!”

“Heh, maybe… But there's stuff they have to check involving police checks in regards to my visa. Americans sure are strict with rules here aren't they?”

“It depends, you can go any buy a gun from almost any store, but you can’t have food with toys in it… it’s a mystery to me. Now… What are we having for food? Alan ate all the snacks before I woke up,” John groaned, peeing into the bags of food before him.

“Well I was going to make burgers but I dunno if you'll eat them my way. Americans hate the burgers I'd enjoy everyday.” Gordon chuckled. “Pineapple and beetroot, lettuce tomato and bacon and REAL chicken schnitzel with caesar dressing slathered inside - no pickles, far too gross and salty.”

“Ugh stop it, I’m starving enough as it is without you spouting food porn at me,” John laughed, digging through the bags, “Sounds divine, can I help?”

“Yeah, you can strain the pineapple and beets please. Uh...you don't mind me cooking the chicken? I prefer it charred but I know you like your meat under so…”

“Only beef,” John protested, preparing the pineapple as asked, “I wouldn’t dare eat chicken raw!”

After helping Gordon prepare dinner and packing away the shopping, John leant up against the kitchen wall as Alan lugged himself back into the apartment.

“Scott’s car is fine, but the stairwell was COVERED!”

“Sorry Alan, I should have done it not you. Hope dinner makes up for it” Gordon apologized, shooting John a glare.

John shifted away from the wall to help Alan with the cleaning products, “Thanks, Allie,” he whispered as Alan glared at him, “I owe you.”

“Damn right you do, this shit is going to stink so bad,” Alan cringed, “So, any news?”

“Not yet,” John replied, picking up the milk soaked rags.

“So…” Alan sniffed, looking at what Gordon was cooking, “Burgers?”

“Uh huh, Aussie style.”

“What's the difference?”

“It's made of real food.” Gordon laughed.

“Better than your fast food habit, Allie,” John grinned, dropping the rags into the sink and rinsing them, “You might actually get some flavour from this!”

Ignoring the glares from both of his brothers, John left to set up the table for them to have their first proper meal together. 

“It's ok if you don't like it Alan.” Gordon said softly. “I can skip the beets and pineapple if you like and put in onion instead.”

“Thanks Gordo, hope all went alright?” Alan offered, playfully punching Gordon’s arm, “Shitty pep talk help you at all?”

“Surprisingly yes, it did. I feel dirty like I sold my soul to the devil and his minions. But such is life.” Gordon mused a minute or two. “When's Scott getting back, do you know? He hasn't called or have I missed them?”

“Well done, bro… Couldn’t have been easy!” Alan grinned, “Scotty? He called this morning, grouchy as hell because the warmest it’s been over there is minus ten. He said something about being back in February. Said we could go out somewhere together if you wanted to.”

“Sounds good.” Gordon nodded. “Here’s your burger.”

As Gordon dished up the food, he quickly pulled John aside and out of Alan's sight into the small walk in pantry and instead of grabbing the sauce, he kissed him deeply on the lips. “Thank you. For the boost in confidence.” He said softly before grabbing the condiment additions Alan would no doubtbly ask for and walking back to the table.

John slumped against the pantry shelving for a minute to compose himself, shocked at how foreword Gordon was being in the presence of their younger sibling. 

A small rush of excitement shot through John like a stray electrical current. Making his way to the table with his brothers, a quiet smile stretched across his blushing face, John sat opposite Gordon as they ate happily.

Looking as though he was listening intently to Alan’s ramblings about video games, John lifted his bare foot to softly stroke against Gordon’s leg. 

Gordon jolted in surprise and coughed a little, excusing himself as Alan’s attention was drawn from his chat. John catching his eye for a brief moment, giving a small wink. 

“Carry on Allie, about the new rally game?” John purred sweetly, turning his attention back to Alan.

Gordon’s breath hitched softly as he felt John’s foot caressing softly at his inner thigh, his expression trying hard not to give away what John was doing though when Alan shifted to cross his legs, he kicked John by mistake.

“Ow! Sorry John, your legs are too long for the table you know?” Alan exclaimed as John scowled at him.

“Hope you two don't mind me sneaking to bed early,” Gordon said, yawning. “It's been bit much for me today. Need to switch off from worrying so much.” With that he excused himself, put his empty plate in the sink and half stumbled off to bed.

John’s shoulder slouched slightly as Gordon walked past them to go to his room, Alan still stuffing his face with the burger in his hands. 

“Hey Johnny,” Alan mumbled with his mouth half full, “Want to finish off the rest of the booze Gordo bought?”

“I dunno, Allie,” John sighed, sipping his glass of water, “Gordon sounds like he could do with the sleep, maybe us drinking wouldn’t be a great idea… Why don’t you show me that rally game you were on about?”

“Ugh… Thought you were supposed to be the party animal?” The youngest huffed, polishing off the last of the burger in one ungraceful bite.

Gordon flopped onto his kids bed and groaned. He just wanted something - anything at all - to to work out in his life without some sort of catch. He sighed heavily thinking about how confusing John was around him, one minute he's dying to get into his pants, next minute he's pushing him away like a leper and next he's all flirt again.

Just like everything else in his life he supposed, a hint, a tease of something that Gordon would like, be good at only to snatch it away out of reach.

He was getting tired of this game. It didn't make his life fun or exciting, it just made it suck worse than someone who has no idea how to give a blow job.

Speaking of which -

Gordon pulled out a bag from his jacket pocket that was neatly wrapped around a box.

Thank fuck John didn't feel him up before around the chest, otherwise he'd have run a mile.

Inside the box was a latex toy shaped in a perfect replication of a male’s genitalia. Gordon was guessing about the size, he'd never really seen John naked before and he himself had nothing much there himself to compare it to. 

He didn't intend to use it to help masturbate, he had no problems there and besides, couldn't afford lube without his siblings asking questions why it was in the shopping bags.

No..he intended to practice giving head...at least he thought at the time of purchase. Now, he wasn't so sure. There was no way he could get that in his mouth without choking.

Yeah, that'd be an ironic way to die.

He stuffed it back into the box and shoved it right under the bed. What the fuck had he been thinking? No one in their right mind would want his body let alone let him suck and fuck theirs in return. He grabbed a pillow and pulled it over his head in an attempt to drown the voices of self inadequatey from his head.

Fuck… if only John did though… how good would that not only feel, but be able to watch? Looking up at him and his slender pale features and platinum hair enjoying the feeling of Gordon's tongue wrapped around his member… or better yet, his head falling against his shoulder as he held him tight, digging fingers into Gordon’s skin with every slow and drawn out thrust….

Yeah...right. Dream on Gordo. Who'd the hell want your tiny hips and pathetic sized cock inside them?

Lifting the hem of his pants, Gordon groaned. He was hard as a rock, standing to attention but it was STILL small. Anyone seeing that would fucking laugh.

Even if he got past the ‘OMG INCEST CRIMES’ he wanted to commit right now, he still had the problem of having nothing worth using for sex. If anything he'd be the one being dominated all the time because he'd only be good enough to fit inside a rubber toy like the ones he passed up on in the shop that looked like lips attached to a tube….even then he'd be too small.

Just great.

After tolerating Alan’s childish screams and curses at the rally game he was engrossed in, John groaned and excused himself for the night, ruffling Alan’s yellowish blonde hair and trudging to the bathroom to wash his face. 

As he passed Gordon’s room, John paused to listen quietly at the door for any signs of life. Tapping quietly at the door, John waited for any kind of response that he was welcome.

“Yeah? Who is it?” Gordon groaned aloud. “It's ok, not asleep or naked. Safe to come in.”

Opening the door slowly, John entered into the small room, “Well there’s only two of us and one is currently screaming at an inanimate object… Can’t be that tricky to figure out, huh?” He laughed as he nudged the door shut, “Are you alright? You left dinner in a hurry.”

“Heh… so I can hear. Alan's got lungs on him like a Tasmanian Devil.” Gordon snorted as he sluggishly sat up. “As for me I'm… I'm as ok as I can be. Just tired of feeling like I'm being grilled by a never ending inquisition. Just needed a time out, heck turns out I can't do that properly either.”

John sat on the floor beside Gordon’s small bed and smiled up at him apologetically, “Sorry, last thing you need is me coming in and asking you more questions!” John turned his attention to the floor and began scratching lightly at the skin on the back of his hands. “I can leave you to it if you’d like more time to yourself. I just wanted to make sure you were ok and to thank you for dinner… Burger was delicious.”

“Glad you liked it. I'll cook more often in future then.” Gordon avoided answering the first question as just by looking, John could see he was tense and in desperate need of a non standard way to relax.

Kneeling up beside his brother on the bed, John leant forward on his elbows and regarded the uncomfortable and uptight way that Gordon was lounging. John reached out slowly and tried to pry Gordon’s hands away from where they were hiding his crotch. When Gordon flinched, John looked up through his wispy pale hair into uncertain amber eyes.

“Anything I can do to help, I will,” he offered quietly, attempting to coax Gordon’s hands away from their protective guard. 

“Nuh uh...not this time.” Gordon shook his head, hands staying firmly planted “Shoulder rub maybe but...that’s too far, even for me.”

Looking up at Gordon, John watched his brother’s facial expressions as his hands began to ghost across the bare chest before him. He managed to maintain a look of confidence as he boldly explored his sibling’s broad chest, entranced by the sharp rise and fall and the way it narrowed into a slim waist.

“You’re so gorgeous,” John breathed, not realising words were leaving his mouth.

Softly, John placed light kisses across the side of Gordon’s torso he could reach. Shudders and almost silent whimpers were drawn from Gordon as John continued to praise his sibling and move lightly down to his hips.

A low warning growl drew John from his kisses as one of Gordon’s hands reached for the collar of John’s shirt, pulling him away from his intended destination.

“Warning you.” Gordon’s teeth bared. “Stop messing with me I'm not a toy.”

“I’m not messing with you,” John hissed quietly, spine stiffening as he felt Gordon’s hand shaking, “Let me help you.”

“No.” Gordon snarled. “Not like this. D-don’t...push it. It's not helping.”

John retreated back to kneeling beside the bed, head bowed as he retracted himself away from Gordon. “Then tell me what I can do, what you’ll allow me to do.”

“I-I don't know.” Gordon’s voice trembled. “You haven't been drinking again have you? I don't quite know what's going on or gotten into you.” 

“John? Hey, look at me please.” He asked, turning his siblings head. “Why now? Why all of a sudden?”

John paused carefully, “I’m not drunk. I want to help, to take away your pain.”

John nuzzled his face against Gordon’s hand and closed his eyes. He truthfully did not know why he was doing this, why he was choosing now to become bold and forward. 

Sinking back onto his ankles, John let his head fall forward again before sighing loudly. Was he toying with Gordon’s feelings because he was unsure of his own? He shuddered at the thought.

“What pain?” Gordon laughead uneasily. “I'm not in any pain whatsoever. Just tired of trying to be something I'm not for people and having it so ingrained I can't even be proud or excited in anything I do. That's not pain, that's stress that won't go away.”

“Stop trying to be someone else then,” John sighed, picking at the bedcovers, “You should be so proud. Think of what you’ve accomplished since you’ve been taken away from your comfort zone… Hell, if that was me, I’d still be curled up whining about it. You’re so strong, allow yourself to be proud… Please?” 

“I would… if I knew who I was. I don't even have that anymore. It's also not helping that I don't quite know what's going on with you either. You confuse me more than I do to myself and that's pretty impressive.”

Gordon gave John a hint of a smile. “Been dead and lifeless on the inside too long Johnny. A month and a half in a country that's alien to me isn't going to magically fix that, nor is walking away from how I feel about you and how much I know that it's wrong and you should rightly be disgusted by it.”

“I don't understand why you move away and then push me to do things I'll regret because they'll harm you. I'm still a stranger and you are still that to me. You want the brother I used to be to come back but also be this creature who'll...who'll lust for you because you haven't got anyone else who's attracted to you and your settling for someone who's related by blood.”

Gordon ran his fingers through his hair. “Or maybe this is my brain telling me I'm losing it, inventing this attraction you have for me because I'm the one who wants to have you love me because I'd never find anyone in my life and I'm latching onto the first person who is not just attractive, but actually nice to me.”

He pinched his brow. “I'm the one who's fucked in the head out of the two of us and I'm hoping like shit you'd sway my way...that makes me some sicko doesn’t it? To want to commit incest over and over because I'm desperate for someone to like me - not love me but like me, want me to exist just because.”

John let his head sink into the lumpy mattress beside Gordon, his brain aching from confusion and uncertainty. He felt around on the bed and found one of Gordon’s hands, holding it tightly within his own. Maybe Gordon was right, that he wanted attention because no one was interested in his flimsy body and uninteresting mind. 

His thoughts were muddled and disorganised, his sibling’s words offering nothing in the way of reassurance. There was no way that he would be treading out on the frail limb to put himself out there if Gordon was not there to catch him. It was selfish in a way but John’s neurotic nervousness would not allow him to be an instigator of such a forward proposal, even if it was what he wanted. Did he want it?

What was obvious to John was that Gordon needed solace and comfort. John knew his polarized feelings and contrasting actions were exacerbating Gordon’s troubled imagination causing him to mistrust and doubt himself further. 

Pulling himself up, John moved swiftly to kneel in front of Gordon and gathered his brother into a tight embrace, hands soothing against his back. He cradled Gordon’s head into his chest and hummed into his brother’s ear softly.

Gordon’s arms wrapped around John and clung tight, terrified of what was happening to them. Slowly he started to sob, the walls around himself crumbling down around him and for once, willingly letting someone in - not just as an observer...but as a healer.

John held onto Gordon as his body was wracked with steady sobs, shocked by the sudden display of emotions. He ran a hand through his hair to reassure Gordon that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he was there for him. John understood the delicate and precarious state his sibling was in and it stung to think that his actions were playing a part in the heartache before him.

“I don't know what to do John. I really don't.” Gordon clung to him tight. “I'm drifting without a paddle and sight of the shore and I'm aware I'm starting to drown. You're throwing me life lines but I don't know what one will be safe to cling to. I'm sorry, it's messed up...but so is my life, my feelings and my head. I don't want to say yes to you when even though my heart says it's ok my head knows it's not right, knows it's something that it's not ready for.”

Humming softly, John continued to hold his sibling close, wrapping his long arms around Gordon’s broad shoulders and drawing him nearer. He was unsure if he trusted his voice to sound as reassuring as he hoped his actions were, agitated thoughts surging around with no certainty. How could he offer a stable assurance when he was bewildered himself?

“Bet Mum is rolling in her grave, not even worthy of her last name let alone Dad's.”

“P-please s-stop,” John stammered, surprised that his voice was sharp and unfamiliar as he fought back his own emotions. 

Gordon started laughing a bit in between his sobs. “Hey you know what's funny? We're genetically related, sure but we're not legally related, not yet anyway.” He let his grip go of John a little and grinned wildly. “Unless Dad reinstates me as family by world laws but for now I doubt that. Guess the upside of wanting to get down with a sibling of the same sex is you can't breed right?”

John jolted back and stared down at Gordon, tear-filled eyes blown wide as he repeated the words in his head. “Legally related… Are you - uh - trying to justify this?” He peeped quietly before snickering slightly, a flash of calm across his flushed face, “Guess that’s one way of looking at it. This is a conversation I never expected to have… Ever.”

“I just thought about it then.” Gordon reeled away like he had said the wrong thing again like he did in the cafe. “My visa, passport and application to colleges here have all been the name Dad exiled me on. I haven't been called ‘Tracy’ in years. Guess that's why I don't feel like a proper brother still… I mean I'm not really after such a long time but we haven't been family in the eyes of universal country laws since I was thirteen. Uh...why you grinning like that John?”

“Uhh,” John caught himself and blushed further, “I just hadn’t thought about it like that… I’ve been trying so hard to see the brother I had that I’ve been ignoring the incredibly brave and strong man who’s taken his place.”

John quickly reached his hand to Gordon’s face, making him flinch as he leant in closer. “You’re not exactly being crystal clear with your actions either, Gordon,” he mused quietly, “This isn’t easy for either of us-”

“I guess it's because I want something I can't ever have, be something that I can't be.” Gordon reached up to touch John’s hand and kept his gaze firmly away. “Gordon Tracy died alone a long time ago and left me instead. I'm sorry.”

“I'm not the clownfish you were hoping for.”

Gordon felt his heart sink again. “You know I can say sorry over and over but it doesn't change anything, doesn't heal anything or make it easier. It just puts it to one side to build it up and be torn apart to bleed open fresh wounds and hatred later. John the only thing that I'm certain of is how much… how much I feel about you and how afraid I am of losing you by going too far.” He lowered his sibling’s hand. 

“You're too important to me.” he whispered. “Always have been, always will be.”

“Don’t apologise for being who you are,” John muttered, pulling his hands back to his lap as his shoulders hunched forward. “It's not a bad thing, so don’t treat it as such.”

John struggled with his flustered thoughts for a while as they sat in an awkward silence. His stomach turned when his thoughts turned to his other siblings, how what he felt for Gordon was the equivalent of feeling it for them. Bile stung his throat as he coughed back the surge of sickness. 

Was he really thinking these things about Gordon, his brother? Though legally he may have been a stranger, genetically they were of the same blood… Incest.

Gordon noted how John’s body was trembling, his hands twitching as his breathing increased.

“I can’t do this…” Hissed words were barely audible as John hands began their familiar ticks and scratching in an attempt to calm himself.

It hadn’t felt particularly real until this point, just flirtatious games and brief encounters for the thrill of it. John had never really stopped to consider the wider implications and impact of his actions. If he were to continue to mess around with the way things were, he risked hurting a lot of people and even putting his and Gordon’s lives in danger if they weren’t careful. However, if he stopped… What would become of his brother? Would it hurt Gordon? Would he survive with his mind so tortured already?

“I know. Why do you think I'm trying so hard not to act on it?” Gordon held John's hand to calm him down. “But no matter what, I'll always love you that way, even if you can't return it or I can't act on it.” He kissed John gently on the lips. “You better go.”

“I- I don’t want… to,” John choked on his breaths as he hurriedly staggered awkwardly to his feet, Gordon’s temporary calming effect dwindling as he uttered the last words asking him to leave.

His brain was offering no remorse, image after image of angry faces for what he was doing flashing through his mind’s eye, screaming to him how sick he was, how WRONG this was. He could feel the imminent panic surging like a burning wash of flames across his skin. 

Avoiding all eye contact, John bolted from the room and into the relative sanctuary of his own room, his own space, slamming the door behind him and collapsing against it. Hauling his knees up to his chest, John quietly panted for air as silent terrified tears streamed down his face.

Invisible ropes snaked their way around his chest and constricted tightly, forcing what little air that remained in his lungs away. John slid to the floor, gasping breathlessly as his vision prickled with blackness.

Gordon felt awful, telling John that. He got up and walked out of the apartment and into the street, shivering as it was still snowing a gentle sleet and he was only clad in his jeans.

He headed for the undercover carpak of the building and climbed into Scotts car that he learnt few days prior had no heater, curled up in the back seat shaking from the cold and intent to hide there until someone came and told him off for sleeping in it. 

He had to be the stupid person to break John but what choice did he have? Sometimes there's no easy way to protect someone you love.

And yes...Gordon finally accepted that was what it was. He was madly head over heels for John, he just didn't feel good about it.

Eventually, the glass fogged over from his heated breath as it started to leave his body as he slept, freezing and occasionally involuntary shaking to keep warm. 

It wasn't the first time he spent a cold night in alone in a car with bare minimum for clothing, nor would be the last - but never in temperatures below freezing.

First time for everything.


	23. similarities

Turning the key in the lock, Scott opened the door to his apartment. To his surprise, the space was not only intact but had been cleaned. He checked the two large bedrooms to find any sign that his youngest two siblings were ever there had vanished, Christmas decorations packed away and out of sight. 

Dumping his bags onto his own bed, noticing two presents from Alan and John, Scott trudged into the kitchen to make some coffee. After pouring himself a milky sweet beverage, he poured a plain black coffee and made his way over to the small office space acting as a bedroom. 

Scott rapped his knuckles against the door and pushed the door open slightly. 

“Morning,” he welcomed flatly, “Coffee?”

Gordon looked up from the desk briefly and shook his head. It appeared to be as if Gordon was studying, a maths text book open on one side and a biology book on the other.

“Sorry Scott, I have to do alot of catch up. These people in my courses, they're all way smarter than me. I'm not sure I can do this, but I'm going to give it a damn good go.”

Scott blinked. Placing the unwanted coffee down on the bedside table he walked a little further into the room. “Course? What course? Where’s John? I knew Alan would be gone but I figured as it’s a Saturday that John might’ve made an appearance.”

“John went back to University and Alan decided I was too boring and left to spend the rest of his break with mates skiing somewhere.” Gordon replied, frowning hard at his books.

“I've been on my own for three weeks and my college courses started yesterday.” He added, pushing his chair back. “Argh! Why is this stuff so hard?! They've already dumbed me down to as low as they go and I'm still struggling! Maybe trying to go back to school was a stupid idea!” 

He banged his head onto the desk. “Why can't I do anything right? I already fucked up Christmas, now I'm going to screw this as well!” he raised his head and a few flimsy yellow posted notes had stuck to his forehead.

“Hope the two trouble makers didn’t cause too many issues for you,” Scott reached forward and pulled the post it notes from Gordon’s face. “Seems like you’ve been making progress!” He chuckled loudly, causing Gordon to wince. “What are you studying?”

“Bit of everything.” Gordon admitted. “It's the high school stuff I'm required to know but don't have a fucking clue what's going on that's causing problems. The biology stuff is easy as pie. Why you ask? Want to help me? I don't fit in the study groups there… they don't want me there, the other students… just like how you, Alan and John want me gone too.”

“It’s not that I want you gone, Gordo,” Scott offered, sitting down on Gordon’s bed, “I’ll do my best to help, but honestly? Johnny or Virge would be the ones to ask… I thought you and Johnny were getting on pretty well… What happened? He throw another tantrum?”

“Er no...more like I couldn't cope with him thinking I was still a thirteen year old kid.”

“Oh,” Scott reclined lazily onto the small bed and sipped his coffee, “Kid needs to learn the world doesn’t go his way, gotta do as your told sometimes. Now, what are you working on?”

“If you stop treating us like children like Dad treats everyone like pawns then we'd be on the same page, Scott.” Gordon let out a low growl. “He's intelligent. Give him the benefit of the doubt and he'll surprise you. When we reduce people to Dad's way of thinking we all become manipulative fuckheads unable to treat people with respect they deserve. Don't do it.”

Gordon sighed. “You can help if you like, though I honestly haven't asked for assistance yet. You and I haven't earned the respect from each other we deserve and frankly I'm not willing to give it unless you stop trying to be a manipulative shit head like Dad wants.”

“I know dad's blackmailing you for emotional trauma from your time in service. Want to know something? It's not far off what he's done to me, stripping me of every piece dignity I had thinking it would turn me into a better man. It didn't, traumatized the fucking shit out of me.”

Gordon looked him dead in the eyes. “That's where you and I are the same. Having a weakness in our minds exploited for his gain, his control. If anything I should be respecting you for going through something traumatic and still being ok out the other side of it but with how you treat others and their trauma? The empathy and respect ends, I guess you could say the same in reverse in different context but the underlying manipulation is the same.”

“How the FUCK do you know about that?” Scott spat, his eyes wide and body bolting upright, “Have you been going through my stuff?”

A hand shaking with anger crawled it’s way through chestnut hair, gripping quickly at the thick strands as cobalt eyes pierced Gordon’s own. “I’m only doing what I’m told, something YOU would have done well doing over the last few years… Maybe then you wouldn’t be here stuck with me. To think I was starting to respect you for this new found enthusiasm to do the right fucking thing. Tell me, Gordon,” Scott’s tone was seething as he barked his sibling’s name harshly, “Tell me exactly how I’m manipulating people here!”

Gordon remained calm. “You're doing everything you can to keep us here in America, keep us behaving like children so that when dad decides his next move we're all playable.”

He stood up. “As for doing what I'm told? I'm doing it. I'm fending for myself. Don't worry about hitting me, John already did that...so has Alan. You can freely add to bashing me I'm sure but it’s lost impact after the first one.”

“I know you’re being as nice as I deserve, that's fine. I deserve far less really but I spent a good fucking week sleeping inside your car because I couldn't be what John and Alan wanted me to be, a hero to change their lives. They deserve better than you and me, but we are all they have got and it's better we act like older brothers than pawns in a chess game we can't win.”

Scott couldn’t quite place the uncomfortable feeling that washed over him as Gordon stood calmly above him, words dripping from his mouth like poison. Anger drained from him to be replaced by an unnerving sense of fear, that there was something in his sibling to be wary of. His ego quashed, Scott remained where he sat and maintained eye contact.

“I don’t know how you know about what happened to me,” he snarled, “But its-”

“I may not be good at School or reading people, but living here, the way your pictures are all set up on shelves, how Alan, John and your neighbors talk… it's not that hard for someone as dumb as me to figure shit out. You have medals on display in a case for fucks sake, hard not to know what's going on isn't related to your time in service.”

Gordon relaxed his shoulders. “ I am sick of being a monster...aren't you?”

“I… Fucking hell… Yeah,” Scott sighed, his posture deflating, “More sick of being at Dad’s beck and call, he’s got me drawn over the barrel on this one, I can’t get back into the Air Force without him.”

“Do you really want to though? Go back to the air force? Doesn't matter what dad says to you...if you suffer post traumatic stress disorder you can't go back regardless of what he's promising, even I know that.”

Flopping back against the pillows, Scott groaned as he forced the heels of his hands into his eyes, “It’s the only place I’ve felt free,” he murmured, “That I finally had something that was mine and not because the great Jeff Tracy made it so.”

He scoffed quietly, “I don’t expect you to understand that, but flying the only time I feel anything close to happiness anymore.”

“No, your right there.” Gordon said softly before smiling. “But there's one thing you have now that he doesn't and you have had it for a long time before I came along.”

“And that is?”

“Us. You have John and Alan who even though they fight with you and challenge you, they respect you, trust you more than our father. And now you've got me in your corner too. It's not much but it's more powerful than anything I could think of - three siblings who rely on you for help, protection and guidance. The more we challenge each other the more we grow and learn we are not always right or that there's more than one point of view in the world. Without you we'd not be wanting to better ourselves, not because we want to be like our old man but because we want to be like you.”

Gordon took a deep breath. “To us...this flat, being with you, being together is freedom. It's not the skies above or anything fancy but it's freedom all the same. To not see that you are the safety net we all seek out when we're in trouble… Scott just, believe me as an outsider looking in who can see it. I bet Virgil sees it all the time and wishes he could be here instead of you.”

“Gordon…” Scott’s voice was calmer and more reserved than it had been, his body sinking further into the bed, “What the hell happened to us? You guys don’t want to be like me, trust me on that… I just can’t figure out when shit changed. When I stopped treating you guys with the respect you all deserve.”

“Mum died.” Gordon’s expression softened. “That's when it all changed.”

“You’re not wrong there, Gordon… Fuck I miss her so much. I always think of what things would be like if she were still here… When you got shipped out after London and Virge taken to Canada, I lost all the closest parts of her… But you, you have so much of her wisdom, it’s uncanny.”

“I don't know about that, though you got an extra four years on me Scotty so I trust you.” Gordon grinned. “And you should be proud we want to be like you! You had a career, even if short, you've got a job, a bloody roof over your head and a fucking car! Alan maybe the race car driver but his money is all locked away where he can't touch it! Why try to be a success when that's how dad treats you?”

Gordon rested his hands on Scott’s shoulders. “But you don't do that. Alan told me he gives you half of that money to put into a secret account for him to access whenever he wants, whenever he's in trouble. To me, that's being a brother who looks out for his siblings.”

“John may not admit to needing you either, but fuck have you seen the arseholes he is stuck at university with? This is his place where no one picks on him, where no one tries to take advantage of him...a safe place to just be himself. Those guys in his dorm are homophobic in the worst way and I swear without you offering sanctuary from time to time he'd probably have tried killing himself. Granted you joke around but you don't care about his sexuality. John appreciates that you treat him like a person, not a social demon.”

“As for me,” Gordon let go of Scott’s shoulders and stood back “I'm not sure yet but right now it the fact you're giving me a chance that no one ever offered me in the first place. John maybe the friend I really need - the nice guy that believes in me but you’re the one who is like an angel offering that second chance. Don't ever think you're not damn important to us.”

Scott sat with his mouth slightly agape, blinking at Gordon in stunned silence. “Gordon… I,” he stuttered briefly as his brain worked to provide him with words to offer, “I don’t know what to say. Thank you, so much. That means a helluva lot, especially from you.”

The eldest hauled himself to his feet and pulled Gordon into a brief tight hug before retreating. He’d never been keen on human contact, but was more than willing to make the effort this once before returning to the bed.

“If you’d like any help with your studies, it’d be my pleasure to try and help you,” Scott offered quietly, “Well I won’t promise anything too helpful but I’ll certainly give it a go.”

“Thank you. Do know know anything about this pythagoras theorem? As it's got my head going in circles.”

Scott chucked softly, “No wonder you’re going in circles, it’s about triangles” Scott paused watching his brother tap his pen in frustration. “The square of the side opposite the right angle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides. I think I remember it being involved in roofing? Though I can’t rightly remember. It’s all about adding squares to them… I might be in over my head here.”

“Heh, any help is good help Scotty. Trust me.”


	24. pushing the boundries

It was two months later before John swung by again, trying to escape his dorm companions and arriving in the most drunken state imaginable. Scott was working a night shift so it left Gordon to answer the door, his younger brother drunkenly flopping into his arms with a goofy grin on his face.

“Woah, John!” Gordon yelped in surprise. “What happened to you? Would have at least thought you’d call on my birthday…. Hey.. You alright?”

He led John inside and flopped his sibling on the couch and feeling his hot flushed face and rushed to yank the thick blanket off the bed in John's room to drape over his drunken shivering figure.

“Shit! What the hell happened to you?” Gordon leaned in, checking his brother over. There was thankfully no sign of assault of any kind but Gordon was concerned that his sibling had been wandering around drunk in the rain in nothing but a long cut t-shirt, feet caked in mud...someone had stripped him and dumped him in the street - something Gordon was all too familiar with from his own experiences with other nasty teenagers back in Australia.

“Fuck if your roommates thought this was a fun prank I'm gonna tear their fucking cocks off.” Gordon growled. He gave John a gentle shake. “Johnny? Jonathan Tracy! Hey, answer me!”

A loud hiccup followed by sporadic snorting laughter filled Gordon’s ears. John curled up further in the warm blanket and slumped softly against Gordon’s chest. 

“Yup! Was a little joke,” John’s slurring voice sounded out as he drew out the syllables of each word, gushing himself loudly as more hiccups came. “Shhh! ‘m’fine! I just sick of everyone else g-getting what they want and it’s not fair!”

Gordon felt pawing hands pulling at the hem of his pants, one of them deftly making its way into his boxer shorts before he had a chance to react.

“Holy shit!” Gordon jumped back in surprise, fast in fishing out John's hands. 

“John, this is serious! You could have been attacked out there without your underwear on! Predators don’t give a shit about gender when you're an easy target!”

Gordon held his siblings hands where he could see them before trying a different approach. “What is everyone else getting that you're missing out on, John?”

“Who you callin’ easy?” John giggled staring at Gordon’s tight grip on his wrists, “Everyone’s getting laid! Getting to fuck whoever they want and I can’t… it’s n-not fair!”

Gordon sighed. “And who is it you want to fuck? Some new guy in class?”

John’s icy blue eyes stared up at Gordon through his platinum fringe. “You.”

Catching Gordon off guard, John launched himself at his sibling’s chest knocking him backwards against the floor and landing on top of him.

“I want you.”

“Easy tiger!” Gordon held John at bay from kissing him. He saw a brief glimpse of what his brother was physically packing and knew if John was to put it where he pleased, Gordon was going to be hurt.

“How about another beer? You have one with me and I'll get some snacks and we watch tv?” Gordon suggested, trying to change the subject. Maybe on more Alcohol John might fall asleep on him and forget about sex.

John’s body slouched against Gordon’s arms as he sighed loudly, the sudden unsupported weight causing Gordon to drop John on top of him and expelling all air from his chest.

“See? No one wants me! Not like that anyway… They want to use me not-”

“That's not true. Look, I have an idea. Just let me grab us drinks first...and a dvd.”

Gordon stood up and ducked into his room before grabbing two beers from the kitchen and handing one to John. “Right, this -” he shook the dvd, “stays between us. Scotty finds out I've been renting gay pornography on his little allowance he gives me for me doing my fair share of cooking and housekeeping he'll go ape shit.”

He put the dvd into the player and sat down beside John, removing his pants and settling back in just his boxers. “You ready? Your going to want to get comfy and give that hand of yours a good shake before stuff gets interesting.”

John downed the majority of his beer in one swig, catching his breath as his eyes struggled to focus on the screen. “Y’know there’s such a thing as free porn, right?” He slurred, peeling his damp shirt from his body and over his chest.

Necking the remainder of his beer, John’s left hand curled around his already half-hard member, tugging it lazily as it reached close to its full potential.

“This stuff is better. Mood, lighting atmosphere. You want sex and not shitty quick fucks in an alley? You gotta think bigger than just your dick buried in someone else's arse.” Gordon took a sip and slowly slid himself out of the opening of his satin boxers trying to ignore John's stare at how ‘inadequate’ he was under the hood in comparison to his ‘lengthy’ gifts.

As the film started it was like a basic romance film, with the exception of it set in a Roman themed city and the two main male characters were brothers. It should have rung alarm bells on the subject matter for both of them but Gordon had been renting dvds of these themes for weeks - because for the romans this wasn't something that was wrong, though some had sex with babies and toddlers which Gordon had to admit was rather sickening to discover about that part of human history.

Just as well that times have changed.

He looked over at John briefly who was pulling at himself really hard and grabbed his leg and gave it a squeeze. “Hey, don't hurt yourself! Be gentle...like this..”  
He softly and slowly ran his fingers up along the shaft of his member and teased the tip with his thumb. 

“Time it to the actors on screen.” He purred. “They're being gentle and slow with each other...you should be too.”

He let out a slight gasp and a soft growl as he carefully massaged himself, stocky fingers running lovingly up and down it, each stroke eliciting noises of pleasure from Gordon's lips.

“Feels good when you're nicer to yourself huh?”

John’s head fell back against the couch as he mirrored Gordon’s more gentle actions. Heartbeat racing, the alcohol in his bloodstream permeated further into his brain as he lavished himself with attention. Eyes fluttering shut, John moaned softly.

“Uhh… Gordon,” John breathed loudly as his back arched slightly, “Feels so much better…”

“I’ve always wondered what sort of prize you were packing down there,” John smirked as he glanced over at Gordon’s short length, “I’d have no trouble getting my mouth around that.”

Gordon frowned, resisting the desire to hide himself for being slandered. “Yes well not everyone can have a long lush snake ok?”

Ignoring the TV for a brief moment, John’s lustful gaze met with Gordon’s eyes, “You could always help?”

“After the last comment? Why should I?” Gordon looked away, tucking himself back away. “Sorry I thought this was a good idea.”

John’s expressions soured momentarily before he reached his free hand over to Gordon and into his boxers, feeling the hardened flesh within his lithe fingers.

“So what if it’s not as long?” John purred quietly, giving Gordon’s length a quick squeeze, “The girth more than makes up for it… I’ll bet plenty of people would want to ride your thick cock until they came.”

Gordon removed John's hand gingerly, hiding his flushed expression well in the glow of the television. “Doubt it. It's short meaning that it wouldn't satisfy a lady let alone a bloke. Can't bury it in hard or far enough.”

He let out a harsh sigh as he glanced at the film for a minute and watched as the actor who was dominant with his mega dick give the shorter more petite actor a extreme going over. That was it wasn't it? No tools means your always under someone, not having them under you.

“Even if I can't give it as hard as someone would want, I couldn't fully take a length like yours even if I wanted to. Small all over...would be a waste of a monster like yours.” He gave John's a playful flick with his fingers. “You're damn lucky people want you...don’t blame them either, I’d wish I had something worth riding like that - if it fitted I mean.”

“I bought a toy you know, while back just making a guess at how big you were...after that stupid blow job remark in the cafe...turns out your bigger than that, and well I can't even get that in, mouth or...otherwise.” Gordon pulled back his hand. “Small in every way John. Better off finding someone else more interesting.”

John pulled his knees awkwardly onto the couch before kneeling up beside Gordon. “You sure about that?” He grinned as he slurred, the smell of alcohol on his breath making Gordon shudder, “What good is length when there’s no width to it? I could show you how much I’d enjoy having that thick cock inside me… Filling me.”

Leaning further over Gordon, John bought his head into the crook of his brother’s neck and roughly nibbled the sensitive skin there, sloppily kissing and nuzzling his way along his shoulders. He reached his hand down to Gordon’s thick flesh once more, growling angrily as he batted away protesting hands.

“John please st-”

He was kissed into silence as John was becoming forceful with his actions and with his jewels trapped with him palm being roughly handled. He tried pushing John away gently but to no avail.

“Ow! Hey hurting! Stop it John!” Gordon finally managed to get out. “No wonder your bloody single! You've got no idea how to handle another person!”

John recoiled quickly, a hurt expression on his face. “I… I didn’t-” Leaning back, John yelped as he toppled over the arm of the sofa and landed in a crumpled heap, pulling the blanket with him.

Groaning quietly, he covered himself entirely under the blanket. “Sorry, Gordo,” he mumbled, “You’re right… I’ve got NO CLUE! No one will show me, it’s always take!”

Gordon rolled his eyes as he stood up and helped John off the floor. “Just watch the damn film. You might learn something, I mean I don't get off on the sex parts anyway that's boring. Pay attention to how they treat each other, you know actually think about the other person's enjoyment and not just your own.”

He sat John back down and sat on the floor by his legs. “What do you mean by always take? Is someone using you for sex?” His eyes narrowed. “Someone abusing you at Uni?”

John’s blurred vision focused on the screen in front of him, the lovers lavishly paying one another’s bodies with attention and drawing guttural moans and shouts. He watched as each touch was preceded with an almost questioning look, as if they were waiting for permission to touch each other.

“I’ve never had sex before,” John admitted in a low voice, eyes transfixed on the screen. “There’s a guy that wants to, has wanted to since we met and made sure I knew, but I’ve never let him.” 

Sighing quietly, John pulled the blanket around himself, refusing to look at Gordon. “We made out at a party not long ago and he really pushed for more, got angry as hell when I turned him down.”

“And?” Gordon asked softly. “It's ok. Not going to tell anyone if there’s more.”

“He tried to force me to jerk him off, called me a ‘cock-teasing pathetic little bitch’ when I refused,” John snarled, fisting his hands in the soft blanket, “He’s been sure to show his face at every party I’ve been to since… Fuck, him and his mates are the ones that took my pants and kicked me out by the city limits tonight.”

Gordon shifted around, paused the dvd before he asked calmly, “when's the next one?”

“Next party? Uhh… After the next exam so… Next Friday? There’s a bigger house party on the Saturday though, sounds more for me as they’ve got someone coming in to do the music and everything! Couple of rich kids whose parents are away… You should see their house Gordo!”

“I'm sure I will.” Gordon said. “Mind if I tag along? Surely they'll get gate crashers and won't notice extra people?”

John’s lips parted, his mouth open in shock. “You want to come to a party? With me? Thought you hated parties?”

“Only if you'll have me, John. I am not a gentleman but I can scrub up to look like one.” Gordon smiled.

“Of course! I’ll have someone to talk to now,” John beamed from his blanket dome, “Won’t be dancing alone for once! Is this like a date?”

Gordon stood up, kissing John on the forehead. “Not quite, I don't think inviting your brother counts but I can pretend to be if you want.” He grinned. “Let's just say I need to get out more from under Scott’s feet, he's been nice so far but he might like a night to himself.”

With that, Gordon walked out of the living room to return a few minutes later with a pair of shorts and a dry long t-shirt, handing them to John. “You don't need to have a shower, I can wipe the mud off your feet, just promise me to enjoy the film...even if it's a porno.”

With an attempted mock salute, John grinned impishly at Gordon who was maneuvering the shorts around the mud onto John’s legs. “SIRYESSIR!” He barked, making Gordon jump. 

“And no more wise cracks about my bits yeah? Kind of a sensitive topic...be glad I'm not shy to play with them in view ok?” Gordon tapped John's nose before going for a towel and a wet cloth.

When he came back John had unpaused the film and looked much better all clothed and rugged up warm and most importantly, safe. As Gordon started to clean his long legs and his feet, he heard unusual moans and looking up he got a beautiful view of John's slender length as he proceeded to stroke it in time to the film, or Gordon's foot rubbing, he wasn't sure.

What he wouldn't give to taste him and drink from it like it was a forbidden elixir - but he had made a decision Christmas eve and was trying hard to stick to it, John was off limits - especially while drunk.

At least, everything but his lips but now...Gordon figured after John confessing he was having problems with a guy who wasn't taking ‘No’ for an answer, if he gave John exactly what he wanted right now he wasn't any better than this creepy bloke at his brother's uni.

But that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy the view on offer.

Gordon eventually had to look away, feeling guilty for gawking at his younger brother's private moment and finished what he was doing before getting up to put the towels in the laundry. While alone, he checked down his own boxers and sighed.

John could talk him up all he wanted, but no matter how he looked at it, he was forever not going to have the right ‘gear’ to please him in the way he deserved.

Maybe this was for the best.

He grabbed a shirt from the basket of clean washing he had yet to fold and headed back to find John asleep on the couch, his excited moment now over sending him to the land of nod all relaxed and comfortable. Gordon bundled him up in the blanket, turned off the tv and packed the dvd away to hide in his room. 

Laying down alone on his small bed, Gordon clutched his pillow gripping it tight trying to feel better about doing the right thing by John, keeping him from making mistakes with him.

Sadly that meant tearing chunks out of his own potential happiness but it's not about him, it's about protecting his younger brother John.


	25. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: attempted rape scene in chapter - granted, Gordon goes bat shit on their arses, but still....

“This… this place, John how do you know these people? This isn't a house, it's a fucking mansion!” Gordon gawped at the building in question. “How much money do these guys have?! More than our old man surely!”

Gordon adjusted the collar of his short sleeved shirt. He had put on a nice shirt to make it look like John had an impressive date, the shirt white and patterned with seahorses and starfish in soft browns and greens and dress pants and even now he was clearly underdressed for such a party. He looked at John in his navy blue T-shirt that was littered with stars and his leather pants and wondered if John honestly had no idea what the dress code for this was.

Mind you, John's gangly legs that were all knees looked stunning in such a tight pant leg but Gordon had to keep his mind on the job - let John have a good time, find out who the slimy bugger is who's trying to sexually harass his sibling and pound the crap out of him till his knuckles were caked in blood.

“I don’t know how they made their money but the parents are rolling in it, one of the girls is in my lectures,” John smiled as they got up to the vast entrance, the pumping sound of loud music blaring through the open full height frosted glass door. 

Stepping into the building, Gordon paused, eyes searching the luxurious decor. John pulled out a hip flask from his slim leather pants and took a large swig before grimacing at the neat spirit’s acrid taste. 

“Want some?”

Gordon shook his head. “No thanks. Hey, do me a favour and lay off the alcohol a little tonight please, John? Rather see you have fun then have others make fun of you instead.”

“Aww, Clownfish!” John protested, taking another sip, “I know what I’m doing. I need a few before I can dance anyway. Thought we’d come here to have fun!”

Gordon watched as John brushed past him to talk to people he recognized, leaving him all alone to wander around the press of people, shouldering his way around.

He watched with interest as people seemed to glare at him with curiosity but thankfully Gordon was an expert at pretending and eventually the stares stopped as Gordon reached the table with party junk food splayed across it and in an attempt to look like he was enjoying himself, ate a potato chip.

Oh boy was that a mistake.

The thing was so salty Gordon almost gagged. He made his way for the kitchen for a glass of water and by the time he found it, he was nowhere near the doof-doof of the main party, which was just as well as the music started up with over glorified dubstep and Gordon knew this entire party was a bad idea

Wandering around the house to check it out, he mentally cataloged all places drunken horny kids would wander off to have sex as well as the only bathroom on the premises incase he had a puking sibling to deal with later on. He wasn't interested in the party, but rather the type of people who assumed themselves as John's ‘friends’.

Loud music blared through the extensive house, Gordon stood awkwardly in the corner of the room as he watched John neck yet another two rounds of shots with a group of around ten party goers, one of which he recognised as his brother’s dorm mate. He was desperately trying to hold on to the reason he had agreed to accompany his brother to this obnoxiously noisy and unpleasant gathering as he watched John dancing around. John had stretched way past the stage of pleasant drunk some time ago and was now staggering around almost to the point of being paralytic.

Observing as the larger of the guys stood around his brother offered John a tall glass full of a bright bubblegum-pink liquid, Gordon finally broke the roots keeping his body in place and stormed over, snatching the drink out of John’s hand as he began to gulp down the contents of the glass. 

“Heyyyyy! Tha’s mine!” John slurred, drink spilling down his front as he stumbled around to face the beverage thief. “Gimme back!”

“No,” Gordon snarled as he grabbed John’s shoulders to steady him.

“Aww…” John whined in protest, swaying unsteadily on his feet, “You’re no fun! C’mere… have a drink! Maybe dance with me?”

A large hiccup caused John to dissolve into a fit of giggles as he leant forward to kiss his sibling. Gordon shook John’s shoulders firmly to prevent him coming any closer and a low growl was barely audible above the pulsing best of the so-called music.

“Fine! I’ll go dance by myself!”

Gordon grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him to his level. “You're making an arse of yourself, you know that? These guys are not laughing with you, they are laughing AT you.” He snapped. “I told you not to drink too much after what happened Christmas Eve and these guys are taking fucking advantage of you… for someone with a fucking higher intellect than me you're acting a total piss head!”

“I thought we came here to have FUN!” John shouted into Gordon’s face, “These people are my friends! They’re not laughing at me.”

Gordon let him go. “Then go have fun without me, but don't cry to me when they tie you naked to a fucking park bench.”

He spun around and headed for the nearest exit, wanting to not just get air, but get as FAR AWAY from his idiot sibling as possible. If this was supposed to be fun, watching John get mocked in front of people who were just feeding him alcohol without drinking any themselves, then fuck this shit excuse for a party.

Fuck it's not even a party! The music is seizure inducing, the food is stuff you wouldn't feed a goat and watching John make an arse of himself was the most stupid thing on the planet.

Once outside, Gordon slouched against the side of the house in a area of darkness where he could still watch people come and go without them seeing him. This was ludicrous! Gordon pinched his brow. Why him? Why John? Why couldn't Gordon be attracted to a fucking hot iron instead? It's be the same thing, both hot and dangerous and would burn your dick off just to scatter it's ashes.

Why did John have to act like such a fool? Even Gordon and his criminal record wasn't that stupid. He thought about those faces and stances of John's so called ‘mates’ and realised where he'd seen that sort of ‘look’ about them before.

It was ones of convicted rapists sizing up prey.

“FUCK!” Gordon swore loudly, bounding back inside.

Lost in the thudding bass of the rhythmic music, John was dancing alone amongst the writhing sweat-soaked bodies of other party goers. Eyes closed, John allowed his hips to sway in time as his arms wound around himself. He was trying hard to forget Gordon’s outburst, which had caused those he shared his dorm with and a few classmates to ditch him, leaving him alone with the exact people he had been hoping to avoid. John had awkwardly knocked back a few more shots before dashing to hide on the makeshift dance floor.

John was vaguely aware of a numb yet tingling fuzziness in his head, arms and legs. Putting it down to excessive alcohol, he continued to dance. Stumbling slightly, he felt as though his legs were buckling beneath him. 

A pair of thick strong arms curled around his waist as his body collided with something solid behind him. A hand snaked its way to his hipbone where the low rise leather pants sat and yanked his hips back until he felt the hard and needy flesh of another man against his backside.

Jerking away, John didn’t even turn to see who had been behind him, instead making a beeline to a face he recognised, his dorm mate who was following a small group of people up the large staircase. 

Staggering behind the group, he felt his arm pulled away towards the guy he’d been hoping not to speak to.

“There you are, we’ve been trying to find you,” the man cooed in a sickly tone, “We’ve got some more booze if you want, about to play truth or dare… C’mon sweetie, it’s just in here.”

He lead John by the hand up the stairs and into the bedroom at the end of the hall, where four other guys whom John didn’t recognize at all were all sitting around with bottles of beer, laughing away at some random joke.

“Hey fellas! I found us a sixth player!”

There was a few cheers and John found himself relaxing a bit. Clearly these guys were stoners or something like that which meant they were quite harmless.

So he thought.

After a few dares between them, one of the guys who was recording all the silliness on his phone pointed the camera at John and finally asked, “Truth or dare blondie!”

Spurred on by the encouraging smiles from the guys around him, John smirked and announced, “Dare!”

A few deep laughs and low whistles were his response.

The guy who asked looked around, getting up and looking in the girly wardrobe covered in pink flowers. “Ah! Got it!” He turned, holding a thin baby blue summer dress. “I dare you to wear this! And not over your clothes, I mean strip naked and put it on and give us a twirl for the camera!”

“Easy!” John grinned, catching the dress as it was thrown to him.

Stumbling to his feet, John removed his star-covered t-shirt and undid the belt holding up his pants. He slipped the soft dress over his head and began to step out of his tight leather pants, tripping himself over and snorting as he feebly kicked off his shoes. Finally shuffling his legs out of the clingy leather material, John knelt up and dropped his boxers down before flinging them across the room with a triumphant shriek. 

“Too fucking easy!” John grinned as he looked around the room at the faces of the men in front of him, “How do I look fellas?”

“Prettier than half the ladies at the party!”

The bloke John didn't like much had shifted from his spot and as John danced around playing up to his audience, he grabbed John by the arm and twirled him like a dancer. “My goodness, has anyone ever told you how magnificent you look? Isn't he pretty fellas?”

There was a chorus of wolf whistles and cheering before a few of the other guys moved, one of them stripping down out of his pants and sitting on the girly bed.

“Come on John, got something special we want to show you…” he heard purred into his ear all sweet and pleasant as candy. “We'll even record it so you can remember this present forever.”

One of the other guys had also removed his trousers and was kneeling on the bed and as John was led over the one lying down pulled him to straddle his hips and laughed, “Hey can I get a copy too? I'd love a photo to psyche my Girlfriend out!”

“Sure! I can make as many copies as you want!”

“Hey! Make sure you record this!”

Suddenly, John was shoved forward so he was on all fours above the stranger and the other bloke on the bed rammed his throbbing erection into John's mouth.

John instantly threw his arms out to push himself away from the sizeable intrusion choking him only to have them pinned at his sides by the man beneath him. Panic set in as he thrashed his legs and body around to free himself. 

“No point fighting sweetie, we’re all going to be in you by the end of this and you’ll still be begging for more.”

A large hand gripped a fistful of his hair and yanked it hard so the body part in his mouth was pushed further into his throat. He screamed out and coughed as the noise was caught against the obstruction. 

“Open wide, sweetie,” came the voice of that same guy again, “Time you were fucked like the cock-teasing, pathetic little bitch you are.” 

The man knelt naked on the bed in front of him and forced his broad length into John’s mouth alongside the first. Tears poured from John’s eyes as his jaw was forced open, gagging at the intrusive flesh in his throat.

“Oh such a good little slut taking both of us, are you ready for the other two?”

Hands gripped his hips from behind and John felt the pressure of another man rubbing against him with no warning. Laughter and sounds of sick pleasure filled his ears as unwelcome hands scratched and grasped at his skin, pinning him in place with no chance of escape.

He screamed as loud as he could, choking as his hair was tugged harshly until he was left with no choice but to swallow more of the two men in front of him as far as they pushed in, making him gag painfully, his body arching roughly. The metallic taste of blood swirled on his tongue as his lip split open. John was fighting desperately with every ounce of energy against the multiple hands and bodies around him.

Gordon didn't need long to work out what was going on. As he leapt up the stairs two at a time and at the top, opened the linen cupboard and pulled the metal vacuum cleaner extension from it's holder, his brain mentally hunting through his memory of the house he explored earlier for any clues that would make a room more likely to be ground zero for predators. 

Ah yes…the hosts bedroom, of course as no one would dare look in there.

Skulking down to the end of the hall, Gordon threw his weight at the door swinging it open with such a force that the bloke behind it got it slammed hard into the back of his head. As heads turned, the metal pole extension was swung like a bat, nutting one bloke across the face and clubbing one holding a phone across the side of the skull before someone grabbed the weapon to disarm him with a punch to the eye socket. 

It didn't stop Gordon though, the creature that lurks lurked deep inside had torn free of its cage and it took seconds for his attacker to be on the ground, his fists pounding him till his knuckles we caked in blood. Someone had grabbed him in a choke hold from behind while another punched him repeatedly in the gut as a few of the smarter ones started to flee. 

Gordon bit hard into the arm holding him, and kneed the stomach puncher in the jaw and when he stumbled around to get the choker man, his fist swung around and smashed the guys nose, blood instantly flying everywhere. The stomach puncher was faster and avoided the badly aimed strike Gordon threw as he lashed out like an animal and landed a few good hits to the face of his own before Gordon was hitting back, teeth bared and bloody, grabbing the guys head and smashing it into the nearest wall. 

Finally free from the assault, John’s body began to move of his own accord, curling up and holding onto himself as tears streaked down his face. He couldn’t bring himself to look up at what was happening around him, concentrating hard on his own ragged breaths.

Three of the six predators were down in a bloody unconscious mess, Gordon staggering around his arms soaked in blood to his elbows. He collected John's clothes and tossed them to his terrified sibling wordlessly as parts of his face kept twitching, the sight of so much carnage by his own inner monster in an effort to protect John burning holes in his already damaged brain. He couldn't look at his brother in fear that he'd not made it in time, that they were half way through the nasty vile things they were doing to him or worse - he arrived too late.

John shakily pulled his clothes back onto his aching body, ripping the dress over his head and flinging it away as if it were burning his skin. Pulling his knees up to his chest, John sobbed noiselessly as he watched Gordon pace around like an agitated animal. John gasped as he absorbed the sight of human carnage and blood spattered across the room. 

Shaking, Gordon spotted something metallic on the floor picking it up he discovered it was still recording so he switched it off and slid it into his pocket. Evidence he needed to catch the others who escaped, hunt them down and maul them in future - and if anyone tried arresting him he wouldn't be the only one thrown in prison, he'd drag those fuckers with him.

Finally his eyes met John's, his brother bleeding from the mouth but at least dressed in his own clothes, even if he was greatly disheveled. Gordon admittedly didn't look any better, blood streaked his white patterned shirt and spattered blood everywhere, his face looking like a human punching bag with his guts feeling like one too.

Wordlessly, he held out a shaky hand for John's and led his brother out of the room before people came in to discover the mess and the ambulance and police showed up.

John gripped Gordon’s arm like his very life depended on it as he followed his brother through the grounds of the immense house and then down the wide city streets. Each time there was a group of people or loud brash laughter, John shut down, attempting to bolt away to some kind of shelter. 

By the time they neared Scott’s apartment, over an hour later, John’s body was wracked with tremors and sharp sobs. Not a single word uttered between them as Gordon maintained his firm hold on John’s hand.

As the door opened, John darted past Scott like a frightened mouse, bolting straight for his room. Scott looked Gordon up and down.

“What the fuck happened? What did you do! After everything you said to me, I trust-”

Gordon palmed the mobile into Scott’s hand, his fingers covered in dried blood.

“Lynch the motherfuckers.” He mumbled, shouldering past to head for the bathroom, only to collapse on the floor on the tiles, the pain in his guts too much to handle now he knew John was safe with Scott, his brain deciding it needed to chain the monster up again as he blacked out from his autopilot function.

Scott looked over the device that Gordon had handed to him and unlocked the screen to reveal a video. He sank into the sofa as he watched the horrific events of that evening unfurl before his eyes. The audio of the video was every bit as offensive and disgusting as the images. Anger turned to sickening dread before melting into a ferocious fury. Satisfaction settled as he heard Gordon’s attack on the sick fucks who assaulted his younger sibling.

Dropping the phone onto the coffee table, Scott wiped his eyes and heaved a shuddering sigh. 

Not this. Not after everything his brothers had been through.

Heading over to John’s room, Scott tapped quietly against the door. He received no answer. Reluctantly letting himself in, Scott entered the room finding it awash with a light show of stars from a small projector. On the bed lay his brother, platinum hair matted with blood and sticking out in messy spikes, his body visibly trembling. The clothes he had been wearing were removed and neatly folded into a pile by the side of the bed, his body half covered by his blanket. 

Scott picked up a large fluff-covered plush starfish from the chair in the corner and held it in his arms. It had been John’s comforter when he was a child, the young boy had grown attached to it because he said it felt like the starfish hugged back when you held it in your arms.

Wide bloodshot cerulean eyes followed Scott as he moved to kneel beside John’s bed. Scott offered up the peach coloured plushie and placed it in front of his sibling’s chest. Scott vividly remembered all of his siblings as children, but none more so than John at that very moment, terror and anguish filling those big bright eyes. 

The split in John’s lip had bled profusely over his face, dried blood flaking away from his chin and still stuck to his thin neck. Hand-shaped bruises and deep scratches littered his neck and shoulders. Scott’s eyes could not bring themselves to investigate any further.

Shaking arms reached out and gripped the starfish, retreating to draw the toy close to his chest. John’s eyes screwed shut as he could not bare to have his oldest brother look at him any more.

“Rest now, John,” Scott whispered, frowning as John still jolted at the sound of his voice.

Scott pulled the large winter duvet from above the wardrobe and laid it over John’s body, making sure the only thing to touch his sibling were the covers, before exiting the room silently.

Eager to speak to Gordon, Scott jogged over to the bathroom and knocked quickly, again met with no response. He tried to push the door open but was alarmed to find that there was a weight behind the door preventing it from opening.

“Gordon!” Scott called, gently pressing the door to move his sibling’s body enough as to slip inside the small bathroom. 

Falling to his knees beside his brother, Scott checked Gordon’s breathing and searched his body for injuries. 

“Gordon, c’mon buddy… We need to get you cleaned up, alright?”

Gordon groaned, fresh specks of blood spattering on the tiles. It had been a while since he'd been involved in a fight like the one Scott had heard on the phone, his body far weaker than it should have been after his stint behind bars and while it hadn't hurt at the time due to adrenaline and rage, it had all caught up with him and now he could barely move. From his point of view though it was a good thing, he was too weak to become a monster on John which was a blessing to say the least.

Scott rolled him over and unbuttoned his shirt to reveal the true extent of the damage Gordon had gotten in return and it was truly remarkable that he'd even made it home from the party at all.

He wondered how much destruction Gordon left in his wake and how much trouble he was going to be in when John's attackers turned the tables on him for excessive violence. Sadly the footage of the fight was missing, just audio and since Gordon didn't speak once, it was filled with shouts and screams of terror for the other six teenagers which would only lead into Gordon being dropped by his college he'd worked so damn hard for, sent on a plane back to Australia and back into a jail cell, trapped for another few years.

Not a fitting thing to happen to the hero of the hour.

He went back to John's room and opened the door a little before asking quietly, “John I know you've had a rough night but I need a hand with Gordon. He's passed out and needs shifting from the bathroom and I can't carry him alone. If it helps, I can help bring him in here and make him a bed on the floor so at least you’re not alone tonight. I'd rather the two of you weren't alone.”

John sat up and propped himself on his arms, body shaking and in pain. He nodded slowly and waited patiently for Scott to leave the room before dressing himself in a set of muted grey baggy pyjamas.

Padding quietly to the bathroom door where Scott was stood, John hesitated nervously before peeking his head around the doorframe until Gordon’s unconscious and bruised body leered into view. 

Gasping and retreating back into the hall, John looked guiltily at his feet and back at his own door as Scott watched him intently. 

“It's ok John. Do you think Gordon’s going to hurt you? I don't think do. Bet he's going to wake up worried about you and whatever happened tonight. I'm sorry I haven't done the greatest clean up job but I don't want to make it worse than it is.” Scott said carefully and calmly.

John shook his head quickly. “Not… Scared,” he gasped, his voice raspy and sore, barely above a whisper. “My fault.”

Stepping forward past Scott, John slowly crouched to his knees beside Gordon, putting a trembling hand on his sibling’s bloodied cheek.

“Whatever happened, it's not your fault.” Scott assured him. “After spending some time alone with Gordon I can assure you he'd let you fully suffer if it was your own fault and not gotten involved. He's not the type of person who sticks his neck out for anyone who's getting what they deserve.”

There was a soft moan of pain from Gordon as he flinched from John’s touch.

“Trust me John, whatever happened, none of it was your fault.” Scott repeated.

Eyes locked on Gordon’s face, John retracted his hand and shuffled himself slowly towards his brother’s legs. Waiting for Scott to take the weight of Gordon’s torso, John winced as he heard more pained noises coming from his sibling. 

It was going to cause a great deal of pain to move Gordon from the floor but it was a necessary evil so that he could rest and recover. 

“Ready? On the count of three… one, two..three!”

Standing in unison, the two brothers were able to lift Gordon as gently as possible from the floor, supporting his weight well between them. 

“My bed,” John insisted as they shuffled into his room, projected starlight scattered across the wall. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

Scott nodded, he wasn't going to argue with John and helped place him onto the big bed.

“I'll go grab the mattress off his bed, some sheets and clean Pj's for him and then check on you guys again later.”

John grabbed Scott’s arm as he turned to leave, “No mattress,” he breathed, “I’ve got duvets.”

“Right. Well I'll just get his Pj’s.” Scott said calmly before leaving the room and coming back with his own clean night clothes, the oversized fabric covering up most of Gordon's injuries from sight making it easier on John to share a room with him.

John had set up a nest of pillows and blankets beside where Gordon’s head lay, something he used to do frequently when he was younger. Scott watched as he pulled the covers on the bed over Gordon before settling down surrounded by pillows and leaning up against the bedside table. John pulled his own cover around himself and looked up at Scott. 

“Thank you.”

Scott nodded. “I'll check on you both later.” he said as he let himself out.

Strange noises came from Gordon's stomach, sickening gurgles that sounded rather toxic.

“John….” His voice strangled out. “Don't you fucking dare hurt John…”

John leaned his head on the pillow beside Gordon’s head and wormed a hand free from the covers to grip his brother’s own hand tightly.

“It’s ok…”

There was another chemical sounding rumble from the pit of Gordon’s guts, and some shifting around uncomfortably, pulling John's hand towards his chest for comfort since that's all he had been allowed.

“I'm sorry.” Came the soft words that were barely audible. “But sorry isn't enough. I let you down… didn't protect you.”

“Didn’t let me down, Gordon,” John gasped, leaning up on the bed in front of his sibling and pressing their foreheads together. “No need to be sorry… That should be me. I should have listened.”

“Should of seen the signs sooner. They were all there but was angry...angry because you didn't listen to me...let love and jealousy for you blind me...my fault you got hurt… don't deserve your kindness when I can't protect it properly.” Gordon babbled incoherently.

“No,” John hissed, squeezing Gordon’s hands tightly, “Not your fault. You were right about them, I didn’t listen… And I’m sorry you got hurt so bad because of my stupidity.”

Gordon pulled John closer. “Not your fault. Nice people don't see the darkness behind a person's eyes. You didn't know they'd hurt you and why should you? You are not a monster but innocent incarnate. More people should be like you. World would be a better place.”

“You’re not a monster, Gordon,” John offered, pushing himself onto the bed beside his sibling, cuddling close for comfort but wary not to hurt him. “You saved me…”

“Though I was too late..” Gordon ignored the screaming pain he was in and wrapped his arms around John and held him close, his head buried into the nape of his neck. “Looked like I was. Can't forgive me for that ever John...it's not forgivable.”

“Not your fault… Not your fault…” John repeated quietly, ignoring his memories and anchoring himself in the moment with Gordon. “It was me, should have listened… Never your fault! Don’t say that!” John ignored the sharp sting in his lip and raised his voice a little more, “Not your fault… You saved me!”

Gordon was already out of it, brain finally giving into his body's demand for rest while John continued to blame himself, even though he was only a victim who had been set up and groomed to believe he deserved it.

Few hours later, Scott poked his head in to see them entangled together, Gordon protectively holding onto John, just like he did when their mother died, the only exception was John being taller than Gordon now, the premature sibling out if the family now the tallest and most sweet one out of the bunch - granted only when he was asleep.

Scott left the door open so he could regularly come and take watch inbetween some of the phone calls he had to make, especially now he had the phone with evidence on it, phone numbers and addresses of possibly those involved on it too and contacted both if there Schools in the early hours of the morning and organizing them some leave time until Scott had spoken to John's university dean and got the perpetrators booted from the campus.


	26. Crossed the line

Gordon awoke and crawled out of John's bed, determined to attempt the shower again. He ached all over but at least now it was a numbing pain instead of the ‘oh my god I want to die’ variety. 

Once under the warm water Gordon started the joy of scrubbing hard to remove blood that was a mixture of his own and other peoples before leaning back and letting it just roll over his skin, healing his wounds and bruises like it was the water from a magic spring.

He knew it was wrong after last night but he had to find relief, every time he had gotten close to climax he'd denied it because the reality of John being his brother and his own insecurities trumped his own pleasure each and every time.

Gone were his sick little pinning John down to wildly fuck him fantasies - because let's be honest, Gordon didn't have the dick long enough to pleasure him anyway and the blow job ones were right out of the question as his brain started telling him details about the night in question he had missed in his blind savage rage even though he did wish a little that was him John had between his lips but hey, inadequacy doesn't take prisoners and knowing John's violators had longer and wider tools than his own he now couldn't shake the image of his brother being choked alive with even his own wimpy cock in his daydream.

For once he wasn't thinking about sex with John at all while he tried to offer himself respite. No, he had no fantasy going on this time other than the desire to just see what his own cum looked like and watch is pathetically go down the shower drain.

That's all it was good for anyway.

There was no moans of pleasure, no begging for an imaginary lover, this was vicious malicious punishment for being such a fuckwad.

He should be gentle but what was the point? He didn't deserve to still be horny after the hell his brother went through and yet the harder he pulled the pud, the longer it was going to take to see any cum squirt out.

“F-fuck!” He swore, head resting in the titles as he tugged harder. “Give me a break once in a while! I've wasted my teenage years not being interested in any one or in sex and now that I am… just fucking once I'd like to know what an orgasm is like and I can't even allow myself that!” 

Still he pulled hard hoping that eventually he'd give in to will power or tear his own penis off. Failing this and if he was still hard he was pretty admit he'd cut the thing off all together.

“Fuck why...why now? Why is puberty so FUCKING LATE!”

His shoulders sagged and his strokes slowed down to ones that were lazy in nature. It wasn't going to happen, nor was his erection going to go away. Maybe he could hide in the shower all day? May have to.

John awoke to the sounds of shouting from the bathroom. Sitting upright, he hauled his body out of bed and rushed into the small bathroom. 

“Gordon!” He called, his voice gravelly from his swollen throat, “Are you ok? Are you- Oh shit sorry!”

“Everything is just fucking peachy.” Gordon replied, turning away from the glass. “Just trying to torture myself for being a sick fuckhead. Please go back to bed.”

“What do you mean torture yourself?” John asked, averting his eyes.

“What does it look like?” Gordon sighed, giving up. “Just… just don't worry about it, ok? It'll pass… I hope.”

John made to leave before halting in his tracks, “I thought you’d hurt yourself… Sorry for interrupting, I’ll… uhh… leave you to it I guess.”

“Look, your not interrupting anything ok John?” Gordon said, still with his back to him. “I just… had a moment but it's ok as I'm having hundreds of them and they're now at the stage I can't even give my body relief when it needs it, not even to distract myself from the idea I might end up in Jail for last night.”

He visibly slumped against the tiled wall. “I can't control my body or my hormones even after the shit you went through and yet I can't even deliver on it in private anyway. I'm pretty messed up but then I sort of always have been. I'm torn between wanting to feel the rush of what my first orgasm could be like but also thoughts about you and how much I'm a total wanker for lusting after something I can never have and repulsed by the fact I STILL WANT YOU after all that shit those fuckers did to you last night.”

“I'm as sick in the head as they are John, there's no inbetween. Please… just understand that I'm a beast that's fighting it's chains, trying to behave when everything inside me wants the opposite. Guess the upside of last night is that we both learned we'll never want sex ever again.” Gordon let out a very heartbroken sigh. “Can you do me a favor and bring me a knife? I need to fix this problem for good or I’m never getting out the shower.”

John’s eyes were blown wide as tears spilled from them. His body shaking from a tsunami of emotions crashing at once. 

“I want to protect you… but how can I when I know my heart wants one thing, my body another and my head can't fight them both.”

“If you dare turn a knife on yourself like you did before Christmas…” John growled in a low tone, “I won’t let you believe you are as bad as those… Those disgusting animals… You are nothing like them. I promise you.”

“Oh really? How is me, wanting, hell fantasising about you and I making love to each other all night long in each other's embrace any different from them grooming you into believing anything they do to you is your fault? What's the difference? You could say I'm doing the exact same thing but haven't made the strike yet?” Gordon grunted turning around, forgetting his exposed shame a minute though John probably couldn't see much through the fogged glass.

“It isn't different just because I'm your brother or the fact that I love you...it's the same shit just different shade of paint.” He sighed. “Better off as a eunuch anyway, sure you don't live as long but it's better than this shit -”

“SHUT UP!” 

John was trembling, shocked by his own voice as he was finally rewarded with silence, only the sound of the water streaming from the shower head remaining. 

“Do you want to know the difference between you and them? The difference is, that no matter how many times we could have, or nearly did have sex… You NEVER ONCE forced me to do anything I didn’t want to! In fact you always gave me a choice! You are different because you are caring and loving… They’re manipulative and empty.”

He drew a pained breath as his throat was stinging from the effort of his words. 

John stormed his way towards the frosted shower glass and pressed his hands against it.

“I feel like that… how you described them, you know that? I feel like that everytime we're together.” Gordon spoke quietly. “I'm no better because I'm trying to be someone you like, someone worth being loved in return. To me is just different words being used to describe it but they mean the same thing. The knife… I'd get you to do it...slit my throat...because I trust you to give me a way out. I'm tired fighting when there is never going to be something at the end of it...there never has been, never will be anything in it for me in the end...just more ways to torture myself.”

“There is no more options John. It's die or be locked up.”

John watched Gordon carefully through the glass of the shower and moved his hand to where his brothers rested on the other side. 

“Gordon,” he sighed, tears still sliding down his face, “Stop pushing me away... please.”

“Maybe… one day. For now, best for both of us.” Gordon’s voice was sad and heavy with weight. “Promise me John, the day I get the guts to change that you tell me to my face yes or no and don't throw it back at me….and I'll never ask again having known your decision is...final.”

John looked through the glass and tried to make out his brother's expression but to no avail.

“I'm not sure I fully understand but if it stops you from leaving then… I promise, Gordon...just please, stop thinking you’re a monster… for my sake.”

Gordon turned off the water and opened the door to the shower cubicle “If that's what you want, I'll fucking keep trying ok? I don't know if it's possible but damn I'll try.”

John went red and looked away, grabbing a towel and thrusting it into Gordon’s hands. 

“You can start by covering it.” John blushed and shifted awkwardly. “And having a sit down on the damn couch with that dvd. Then maybe we have a proper talk.”

Gordon blinked before he registered what John meant. “Is the fact I have a semi-permanent hard on THAT bad even to you?”

“It might be for a while.”

“Heh well I'll try not to in future.”

“Just give me time,” John asked, looking up at Gordon apologetically, “When you’re done with the DVD, will you come back to bed with me?”

“Maybe. Depends if it works. They sort of haven't so far.” Gordon sighed. “I just don't want to make you any more uncomfortable.”

“Do you want me to sit with you?”

“N-no. If you’re shying from me now there's no point.” Gordon flinched as John touched his still dripping wet skin. “If I haven't since I first laid eyes on you then it's not going to magically happen. It's not how it works.”

“But I still thank you for when you did in front of me that one time…. Wish I could be so bold and confident in what I'm given.”

“Then come to bed with me, please?” John asked quietly, moving his fingers through the water droplets on Gordon’s shoulder. 

“I don't think I should.” Gordon whispered. “For the moment.”

“For me? Please, Gordon,” John begged, squeezing his brothers hand. “I trust you.”

Gordon caved. “Let me get dressed first. Will feel better about it that way.”

John nodded and left Gordon in the bathroom as he retreated to his own room, still dark from the blackout blinds. He sat in the centre of the bed with his legs crossed and waited patiently for Gordon’s arrival.

As he glanced around the room, John caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror by the dresser. Bringing a hand to his lip, he revealed the harsh tear in the skin and the blood caked around it. Standing up, John edged closer to the mirror and noted the flaking blood in his dull hair. He began picking at clumps of dried blood in his pale locks and painstakingly attempting to smooth it back down. 

What he would have given to have a shower, to wash the filth and stench of his attackers from his body. He just wasn’t ready to be faced with his own naked body yet.

Gordon eventually slipped into his room, holding a large mixing bowl of warm water, a jug, some shampoo and a few towels slung over his arm.

John looked at him confused until it dawned on him Gordon had been thinking along the same lines. 

“Figured I'd… help you wash up a little.” He said shyly. “N-not a full sponge bath, just a hair wash...a head massage might feel nice.” He hesitated. “That's if you'd like one. I mean I can leave this stuff here and help another time, I just thought-” 

He coughed, shifting his weight a bit before putting all the stuff down at the desk. “I'll just go and come back in a few ok?” He said quietly, the bruises to his eye and jaw making him look far sadder and more scared than he probably was. “I promise I'm not going to touch anything sharp in the kitchen while you’re busy...I can't bring myself to eat let alone deal with…” he swallowed, visibly shaking. “Deal with more blood.”

“Stay,” John pleaded quietly, standing from the bed and taking a few steps towards Gordon, “I’m scared too.”

John relaxed when Gordon remained stationary by the desk. John’s eyes glanced over the items his older brother had bought, “You would really do this? For me? But that’s so kind… I… Why would you offer something so delicate to me after all the shit I’ve caused?” He asked in disbelief, his voice quiet with shock. “You’re in pain because I was a stupid idiot.”

“Yes and no. If you thought they were your friends then none of it's your fault. People don't see predators around them when they groom you into false security.” Gordon said, very carefully. “We are still effectively animals who seek to dominate those whose traits we see as a threat.” He reeled back a little from John's shocked expression to his answer. “I uh… study animal behavior as part of my course.” He admitted, blushing.

John relaxed as he sunk onto the floor at the foot of the bed. “I’m sorry you got hurt,” he murmured, averting his eyes to the desk, “I should have listened to you all along. I promise I’ll never ignore your words again.” 

“I’m proud of you for sticking with that course,” John’s face lit up before falling on disappointment, “I really hope this doesn’t affect your study… That’s the last thing you need, me screwing up your education that you’ve worked so hard to get.”

“Heh, I'd have fucked up sooner or later.” Gordon shrugged it off. “Part of being me.”

He sat on the bed and inspected John's hair with his fingers. “I kind of expect you not to listen to me over people you've known longer than a year or more, they had your trust first...I still haven't earned it.”

John relaxed into the soft touch and movements through his hair, leaning back against the bed and Gordon’s leg. “I trust you completely. You saved me, I can never give thanks enough or make up for that, but I’ll try.”

“You can just by getting on with your life. That's plenty of thanks. Let me and Scotty do the rest.” 

Before John opened his mouth to demand about Scott’s involvement, Gordon placed a finger to his own lips. “He won't say anything unless you choose to talk to him. Couldn't avoid him finding out with how we both looked last night coming home anyway.”

Gordon stood up, grabbed a towel and draped it over John’s lap and another over his shoulders and put the large bowl of water in his sibling's lap.

“He just wants to protect you too, besides-” Gordon gave John a smile, “He's older than me and can throw more weight around. I wouldn't want to be in your attackers shoes after I got in there and mauled them, but imagine how much they'd shit themselves with someone more calculating and dangerous is hunting them.”

He picked up the jug and poured the now luke warm water over John's head carefully, making sure every strand was thoroughly wet before reaching for the mint shampoo.

“Sorry, this may stink a little, but boy does it make your head feel clean.” Gordon chuckled as he started to gently run the gel-like liquid through and lather John's almost white locks.

The strong cooling smell of mint wafted around the room, not an unpleasant smell by any standards. He hung his head forwards over the bowl in his lap as Gordon’s light touches and massaging fingers began ridding his hair of the grime and blood that cling there.

A soft whimpering noise could be heard as John’s body relinquished its tension gradually, shoulders slumping down from their aching elevated state.

“Thank you,” John purred quietly, eyes shut as he indulged in the soft caring touch of another person, of Gordon. 

He had not felt this level of intimate and careful attention before. The feeling foreign but not unpleasant. John chose to remain silent and enjoy the delicate way his brother was treating him.

“My pleasure.” Gordon sighed in content. “I don't often get to be kind to people in return. It's a nice change.”

“You’re so gentle, so caring… I…” John trailed off as his mind fogged with calmness.

“It would be a first time in that case.” Gordon murmured, amused. “I've never had anyone to be nice to before let alone anyone be the same back to me, so for that, I thank you.”

He picked up the jug again and started to rinse the suds from John's hair, making sure all of the lather was washed away into the bowl below. Then using the towel on his shoulders, Gordon lightly dried John’s hair before opening a little container and running something else through his hair.

“This is a leave in conditioner, trust me, will make your head feel like feathers.” Gordon chuckled. “Helps run a comb through too. Stuff you rinse out in the shower doesn't return the oils back into your hair that shampoo strips out to get to the dirt.”

John blinked up at Gordon in surprise, nodding automatically as he listened. He glanced at the small container, trying to remember the name so he could purchase it in the future.

“Right.. Uh got a brush you prefer me to use?” Gordon asked, looking around.

Indicating his head towards the desk, John smiled, “There’s a small brush in the drawer there.” 

Gordon moved the bowl from John's lap onto the desk before he rummaged for the brush. Once located he sat back behind John and started to run the brush through his siblings hair, smiling to himself that thanks to the conditioner there wasn't a single knot or tangle.

John rested his cheek against Gordon’s knee as the soothing brush strokes caused a hypnotic sensation of calm pooling through John’s body. Never had he had this kind of care and attention lavished on him.

He turned around so that he could bury his face into Gordon’s thigh, giving his sibling access to all of his hair and relishing the pleasure and love he felt from the most basic of touches. This is what Gordon had meant about being more gentle with one another, to be completely at ease and open to another person and not have it taken advantage of.

To give, not take.

There was a harsh cough from Gordon. “Ergh… sorry. Guts still ache.” He had dropped the brush to clasp both of his arms around his stomach as he bent forward. “Your face cut ok? Need something for-”

There was a sickening grumble from the pit of his stomach and he was quick to nudge John away as he stood up to make a beeline back to the bathroom to throw up, something his belly had wanted to do since it's beating last night so all the burning acid could be brought up and removed from his system. 

Head hanging over the toilet bowl, Gordon wretched painfully despite most of it air being burped out than actual vomit but what little did come forth was tinged red.

Thank heavens he had yet to eat anything.

“Gordon!” John called as he stood in the doorway behind his sibling, “What happened? Is that… blood?”

John’s eyes widened as he knelt behind Gordon and leant over his back, his hand running small circular patterns across his skin.

“I need to call Scotty,” John whispered, fear creeping back into his body. “This shouldn’t be happening.”

“I'll be ok...just feel nauseous.” Gordon tried to give John assurance. “Getting pounded in the mid section can be very enlightening a few days afterward.” He coughed and spat into the toilet bowl. “Long as I drink water and eat only a little I'll be A-ok. Trust me, I've been through worse in school”

“The hell kinda school did you go to?” John gasped, picking himself up, “I’ll get you some water.”

After returning with a pint glass of water, John set it beside Gordon and sat down on the floor next to him. “Are you trying to act like you’re not hurt?” John muttered quietly, looking across at Gordon. “Because I can’t help if you’re not honest.”

“I'm just sore. Doctors wouldn't be much good unless we're coughing up blood clots. That hasn't happened.” Gordon rolled away from the toilet and gratefully drank from the glass.

“As for school, I got shafted into a all boys boarding school that was pretty much run by bullies and kids who had nowhere else to go. Think opposite of the posh rich english schools and think every class you’re in has less than ten students at a time because you're dumped in the middle of nowhere and most of what your learning is on farms. You either get tough, or get trodden on and everyone hates those in between.” Gordon looked at the empty glass. ‘You can guess where I sat in the food chain.”

“I can imagine,” John winced as he took the glass from Gordon and refilled it. “I thought Alan beating me up a few years back was bad, clearly that was nothing!”

“Would explain why you’re a tough bastard then,” John smiled, swinging his arm around his sibling. 

“Wouldn't say tough…more persistent.” Gordon took the newly refilled drink off John's hands. “It takes alot of effort to control certain impulses others force upon your personality.”

He leaned back into John's embrace before tugging his t-shirt up to reveal the deep dark marks in his torso. ‘Shhhit...I couldn't tell before as I was red all over but fuck me dead, that looks nastier than my face does.”

“Geez that looks like it’s agony, need to get you back to bed… You need the rest.”

After a few minutes leaning together on the floor until Gordon didn’t feel like he was going to throw up again, John helped him back into the bedroom. Though there was much protest, John finally got Gordon to lie down on the large double bed. 

Clearing away the items his brother had used to wash his hair so lovingly, John returned with more water and a bowl, in case Gordon was sick, and placed them beside his sibling. 

“I’m not going anywhere without you, ok?” John whispered defiantly as he slipped into the bed behind his sibling, careful to mind his stomach.

“I don't think Scott will let either of us leave the building until he thinks it's safe to do so.” Gordon said, pulling John's arm up around his chest. “We're not grounded at least, but it's better here than back at that university of yours right now.”

“Besides, I'd miss you if you went back where I couldn't watch over you…”

“I’d miss you too…” John whispered, nuzzling into Gordon’s neck. “Hey, you’ll soon be pretty sick of having your little duckling following you round!” He giggled, grinning against his brother’s skin.

“Oh I don't know about that John,” Gordon purred softly. “You, Scott and Alan are the only people I know here and out of the three of you, your the only one that's my friend.”

He thought a minute and felt he should ask. “John...could you..help me? Or is it too soon to ask? I'd understand if you don't want to...just maybe thought you'd like to place your hand on mine and watch.”

John lifted his head to look at his sibling, “Help you? What do you mean?”

Gordon rolled over and was red in the face - in so far as he could be looking like someone used his head as a punching bag.

“Uh...you know what n-never mind.” 

Propping himself up onto his elbow, John looked at Gordon inquisitively. “You can tell me,” he encouraged politely, “Help you with what?”

Gordon breathed out rather staggedly as he tried to drum up the confidence. “I… that’s to say..Uh..”

Ah fuck it.

Gordon leaned in to kiss John as hard as he dared, afraid to hurt his younger brother and pulled one of John’s hands around to hold his own as it ventured down his shorts.

John jolted in surprise as his hand brushed against Gordon’s hard flesh, lips stinging slightly as he returned the kiss tenderly. His mind at war with itself over his reaction to this sudden forward approach from his sibling.

Gordon was quick to let go of John and pull back. “Look it’s ok you don’t… I just thought you could maybe hold my hand as I… you know what, stupid idea. Why would you want to watch that? You’ve got your own that’s twice the size that’s more than enough.”

“N-no! It’s not that,” John reassured as he leaned close to Gordon, his hand still where it had been led. “Just a bit of a surprise… I…”

Pausing for a moment to move his fingers slowly around Gordon’s length, John remained still as he watched for a reaction. “I can help you.”

There was a very sharp intake of breath from Gordon and his hand reach down to cover Johns. “Are you s-sure?

There was a quiet hesitation as John took a breath before answering, “I’m… I’m sure.”

Tentatively Gordon leaned in again, a lot less forceful with his kiss than before and nuzzling John carefully as he helped guide his sibling’s hand in how he liked to be held and played with.

John’s eyes fluttered open as their lips separated, flicking down to watch his hand moving slowly and carefully across his sibling’s broad erection. A soft moan drew John’s attention to Gordon’s face, his eyes closed and full lips parted as his head fell back against the pillow. 

It was like having to re-learn how to ride a bike, retraining his actions to be softer and more caring as he lavished attention to the sensitive skin. 

Little sharp breaths left Gordon’s lips, tiny hints of pain mixed with pleasure flashing briefly across his face. His body had been holding onto the pressure for so long it stung a little as his skin was raw from many an attempt to get something to happen but without any such luck.

It didn’t take him long at least, his hips moving involuntarily and his body shaking as he came, sticky liquid dripping out and coating John’s hand in a rather thick layer of ooze. It wasn’t a small amount either as the more John stroked, the more leaked free.

John pulled his pyjama top over his head and used it to carefully wipe Gordon clean and rubbing his hand free of the liquid. He dropped the top away from the bed and lay back down beside his sibling, listening quietly as his breaths began to return to normal.

“Thank you…” John whispered, resting a hand on Gordon’s chest. “Better?”

Gordon kissed John and pulled him close. “You tell me.” he said softly, his voice shaking as his mind was still coming down off the euphoria. “Thank you. I won’t ask again ok? That… that was a one off.”

“One off?” John sighed, disappointed, “Did I do something wrong?”

He rolled onto his back and stared awkwardly at the ceiling. Why had he been so foolish to believe that anyone could want him for more than a quick pleasure release.

“Why? Can’t tell me you enjoyed that… watching me get it off.” Gordon went red and looked away. “I - I just needed help… and I feel stupid for need it, getting so bad. But if for a second you think… that it’s because I don’t want it again, you’re wrong, as right now I… I want to pleasure you in return and I don’t know if you’ll let me go that far.”

John’s eyes flickered towards the lump under the covers where his own need was presenting itself. “Can’t you tell I enjoyed it?” He said quietly, “You don’t have to… If you don’t want to… I can just stay here and we can… Just be here if you want.”

“If you’re going to let me, I can show you how much what you just did meant to me.” Gordon whispered.

John nodded, swallowing loudly, “I’d like that… Show me how to be gentle with myself.”

“Well, I don’t know if it’s going to show you how to be gentle with yourself, but it might show you how nice someone can be if they really treat your body like a temple.” Gordon sat up and shifted his weight around so he was lower down on the bed, resting his head beside the bulge ni John’s pyjamas. “So… permission to show you what I mean?”

Leaning up on his elbows to watch what Gordon was doing, John looked at him hesitantly, “Are you sure you want to… to do… That? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Yes. would be lying to say I haven’t wanted to since the day I met you and after the night you jerked off in front of me while I tended to your muddy feet… I’ve wanted to really show you what you have been missing, something someone with your incredible body deserves.” Gordon smiled as he watched John’s body twitch under the fabric. “It’s why I’ve been so ashamed of my own in front of you and why it makes me so fucking angry you don’t get the attention from the right sort of people.”

John felt a embarrassed flush rising across his features as he hung his head in shame. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of what you’ve got… Not by any means! I’m sorry for making you feel like that… I wasn’t thinking. I don’t know why you think I deserve anything other than what happened.”

Gordon turned his head up and gave John a dirty look. “Seriously? Fucking hell where have you been? Under a rock? If I had a dick as big as yours I’d fucking wave it around proudly and get all the fucking sex I want with people seeing THAT ALONE.” Gordon shifted his head back to watch again.

“Fuck John, you’ve got a cock that most women WANT in a man, heck one most gay guys want buried deep inside them, not the other way around! You’ve got exactly what everyone wants, desires to have!” he sighed. “Only reason it scares me is I know I’d want it too… and there’s no way it would fit. Though it’s got me both ways because I haven't got one that can fill anyone up as deep as what you’re packing. Put us on a auction for sex slavery and you’d be picked over me anytime.”

The soft blush that had graced his face before was now a deep beetroot red. John groaned as he pulled the covers over his head. “If I’ve got the cock everyone wants, then why does no one want it? They just want me to do stuff for them.”

“Besides, long doesn’t mean much without the width to back it up… That’s where yours comes into its own, it’s so broad that whoever gets the pleasure of sitting on it will be FAR from disappointed!”

“You don’t watch much porn and by your choice of friends? You really WANT me to answer WHY none of them want it? Let me take you to a gay bar, pretty sure you’ll change your tune.” Gordon snorted. “Trust me when I say the guy with the monster dick gets all the action my friend and that they get to dominate in the bedroom.”

“But I don’t want all the action… I only want one person,” John admitted shyly. “I just want you.”

Gordon sighed. “I know. And I want you too.. And that’s the problem.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t do this… if it’s a problem,” John offered, looking away again. “I don’t want to make anything worse.”

Gordon didn’t give John a reply, instead he pulled his brother free from his pants and kissed the very tip of his weeping length and moving downwards, occasionally licking him and watching his erection carefully and every twitch of pleasure he would do it again, aware that John could push him away at any point.

“Ahh!” John moaned loudly under the control of his sibling, “Gordon! I don’t know if this is a good- Uhh!”

“Shhh.. you talk way too much John, no wonder you confuse me and why I think this is a problem. You don’t know what you want.” and to make his point felt, he enveloped as much of John’s needy body into his mouth.

John cried out in surprise, the sensation unlike anything he’d felt before and forcing him to yelp aloud and grab Gordon by the hair in alarm.

Gordon pulled back and let out a cough, as he had never done that before and had to fight the urge to gag as a reflex, especially after how sick he’d just been. “And that, is the problem,” Gordon’s eyes locked on to John’s, his caramel warmth in them burning back like flames. “You don’t know what you want. But maybe, maybe this can help you decide.”

He brought his lips down on John’s erection again and for the rest he couldn’t fit into his mouth he used his fingers to tickle and lightly stroke the base and tease the rest. The few times he started to struggle he pulled back and started to lick and work is lips as if he was eating an icecream, pacing it slowly and enjoying every single drop.

Being delicate and methodical Gordon didn’t need to to rush John to get him to start releasing his orgasam in short bursts, almost drinking everything that leaked out, lapping it up and adding to the tease as his tongue brushed up against his length and the tip without having to fully draw him back in between his lips which he knew he wasn’t quite ready for getting it all down the back of his throat at once.

A panicked constricting wave gripped at his mind, torturous memories of the previous night flashing in his eyes, his body reacting to attackers that weren’t there.

“N-no! G-get off!” John shrieked as he hurriedly drew his arms close to himself, terrified tears pouring down his flushed cheeks. “Stop! P-please!”

The grip in Gordon’s hair relinquished and lithe legs thrashed beneath him. One juddering movement brought John’s knee into Gordon’s chest, causing him to dart backwards up the bed towards the headboard, eyes wide and body ready to take flight. 

Gordon yelped in pain and curled into a ball, every part of him flashing around the checks his brain had fought hard to avoid cashing.

Struggling to sit up and unable to look John in the face, Gordon rasped, “Now you know why I don't make any sense...ergh...because you don't make any to me. Forget it. Forget I wanted to try because you said it was ok.”

He stood up, stumbling and avoiding John and he headed out the bedroom door and back to the last place he found sanctuary from his brother the last time he made him feel this broken - the building undercover car park, though this time there was no car to hide in for a whole week.


	27. once bitten, twice shy

Scott drummed his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently as he waited for the barrier to retract so he could drive into the parking lot beneath the apartments. Swinging the sports car down the levels, Scott drove towards his allocated space.

Turning into the bay, he was met with a hunched figure leant up against the far wall of his space. Scott slammed his brakes on causing a loud screech to echo around the parking area like a banshee. 

Cutting the engine, Scott staggered out of his car in shock and rushed over to find Gordon’s body shaking in the beams of the headlights.

“Gordon! What the hell are you doing in here? Fuck I nearly crushed you!” Scott called out, concern across his face as he held Gordon by the shoulders. “Shit… Are you ok?”

Gordon looked up at his older sibling and shook his head. “Monster… I'm as big a monster as those guys last night…” he sniffed. “I'm going to be locked up and shipped off because of all THIS!”

Scott breathed out a sigh as he rubbed the top of Gordon’s arms reassuringly. “I’m sure as hell glad you did what you did to those fuckers,” Scott spat at the mention of John’s attackers. “You saved John and I can’t thank you enough. You’re not going anywhere, you got studies to finish here.”

Looking at Gordon’s heartbreaking expression, Scott put his arm loosely around his younger brother’s shoulders.

“It's John who you should be caring about, he was the one they attacked, the one I frightened with my violent actions.” Gordon looked back at his bare feet. “He's the victim Scott. If I have to go because of what I did, I'm not ashamed of it.”

He breathed out harshly. “I can't go near John, he can't stand the sight of me and your home was his safe place first.” Gordon shifted a little. “I don't have anywhere to go so...maybe letting me take my fair share of the punishment will give me somewhere at least to be even if… even if it's in a cell.”

“I’m sure he just needs a little time, we can figure something out until then,” Scott thought for a moment, “I expect he’s still coming to terms with things, he wouldn’t let you out of his sight after we moved you out of the bathroom last night, I wouldn't read too much into it.”

Gordon groaned. “I'm going to be restricted to my little room aren't I?” 

“Not necessarily,” Scott reassured, “We will have to see how things go.”

“I might stay here if it's all the same. There's nothing dangerous for me to do here.” Gordon at least cracked a smile. “Nothing at all for me to do which I think is the best thing for me right now...as it were.”

“I'm not going to go anywhere. You can check on John and come back later... can sit in your car till it's ok to come back inside?” Gordon asked.

“If you feel more comfortable out here,” Scott offered hesitantly, “At least sit in my car, alright? I’ll go talk to Johnny and be right back out. If he’s not up to talking, I’ll take you someplace where we can relax and give him some space… Ok?”

Scott handed his car keys to Gordon and helped him to his feet. 

“I won’t be long.”

“Thanks Scott. I appreciate it.”

Gordon let Scott finish parking his car before being let inside it to hide, Scott offering to put the radio on but Gordon seemed happy to sit in silence. Shrugging and figuring that Gordon would be easier to deal with later, he made his way indoors and by the time he opened his apartment door a dense pillow was thrown at him with great precision.

“Ow! Hey! It's only me! I surrender!” 

John stepped back with his eyes wide, “Sorry Scotty,” he called, “I thought you were Gordon.”

“I figured. Look I don't quite know what's going on here, mind if you enlighten me?” Scott said, arms raised and walking inside the living room. “Is this to do with the state you were both in last night?”

“I guess so,” John muttered, covering himself with his arms and slumping onto the couch with his legs close to his chest.

“You know Gordon's hiding in my car right?” Scott said candidly. “He's terrified of you right now.”

“Terrified of me?” John breathed, averting his eyes to the floor guiltily, “I… I didn’t mean to s-scare him.”

“Well I don't think he's too keen in coming back inside. He thinks he's scared you too.” Scott watched John with curiosity. “You not scared of him are you?”

John’s body hunched over further, curling away from Scott’s stare until his chin resting on his bumpy knees. “I d-don’t know… I just… Too soon, I need time.”

“Want to talk about it? If not and you need time alone I can take Gordon for a long drive, maybe bring back dinner…” Scott let his voice trail. “Maybe give me a call when it's ok to return?”

“I just keep remembering the…” John screwed his eyes shut and tried to compose himself, “I just want it to stop, to go away. You guys don’t have to leave… Its your home, I’ve got no place to ask you to leave. If you’ll give me some time, I’ll get out of your way… Get some fresh air.”

“You’re not leaving here on your own, John,” Scott stated sternly, “Not for a while at least.”

Scott watched as John’s hunched body shook with noiseless sobs, his tone softened, “Take your time, ok? I’m going to take Gordon out for a bit, call me if you need anything.”

The next noise John heard was the door to the apartment closing softly, the sound of a key turning in the lock. Instantly, he lifted his head and rushed towards the door, pulling at it hurriedly to find that Scott had deadlocked it.

“Scott!” he hammered his fists against the door in a frenzy, “Don’t leave me here! SCOTTY!” 

Rushing to the balcony, John pulled at the doors to find them locked also, key gone from its usual place in the lock. In his distress, he smashed his hands against the door and pulled the items from atop the coffee table and flung them across the floor. A glass of water smashed against the balcony door, showering tiny shards across the floor.

John felt the panic begin like an array of electrical sparks in his rib cage. His breathing deteriorating into rapid, more shallow choked gasps. A cyclone of chemicals surging through his synapses and veins as he tried to prevent the primal surge to flee. Images of the previous night accelerated like a wildfire through his mind, each terrifying recollection causing his heart to hammer out an SOS of thuds.

He wants to call Scott, ask him to come back, to bring Gordon back to him, to apologise… But he can’t remember where he left his phone. The hysteria corroding all rational and logical thoughts. The room is spinning now as his breathing races away, a fuzzy black haze encroaches his vision, threatening to swallow his perception of the world.

John staggered across the room towards his bedroom door, barrelling through it and crashing onto the bed pulling the covers up around him as he slid to the floor. The aroma of Gordon’s scent upon his covers was a welcome comfort as imaginary hands grasped at his shaking body. John hauled his body completely under the covers, surrounding himself with the reassuring smell, alleviating the sickening fear and false perception of his attack.

There he remained, unaware of the passing day, until he felt the dread begin to subside and the thick tendrils of anxiety eroding away. Though John could still hear each of his rasping breaths, sounds of the city beyond began to trickle back into his ears as his paralyzed body drifted into a restless comatose state.


	28. dark fears

Gordon sat in the passenger seat beside Scott, carefully eating a chocolate bar, while Scott himself downed a soda.

“So, let me get this straight Gordon… that time you spent in prison was for stealing and leading police on a wild goose chase off into the middle of the outback?”

“Pretty much. Though you forget about the stolen cars I didn't originally caught for until they found evidence later.” Gordon said calmly, looking out the window. 

“Everything alright?”

“No. Just thinking that John should be here with you talking about stuff instead of me. I'm grateful, but I'm not the one who needs it...well ok I do it's stopping me dripping blood everywhere from...you know, uh sorry about the graphic detail by the way… I’ve never been good at toning the gore down, even from my nightmares…” Gordon hesitated. “I wish I had better things to talk about than my desire to die.”

Scott places his hand on Gordon’s arm for reassurance, “I’m glad you feel you can open up about it,” Scott offered sympathetically, “The least I can do is listen… How long have you felt like this? Have you tried getting help before?”

“Years. Went away sort of in prison as they assign you a counselor...getting dumped here has made it all come back.” Gordon frowned. “Why did you cut my picture out of that photo Scott? The only photo you have of all of us as a family with mum… you...you didn't want me to exist anymore? What did dad say about me? Did he...say bad things?”

He looked at his older brother. “You don't need to, but it will help me alot.”

Scott sighed heavily, looking at his soda. “Dad said I needed to remove all trace of you if I wanted to spend time with Virge, John and Alan,” he admitted sadly, “It was awful… But I couldn’t bare the thought of not seeing them after you were gone. Dad told me that you were an embarrassment to the family, though I never believed that, Gordon. We know that mom’s death and too much pressure set you back in London… Dad just fed us lies saying that you were dangerous.”

“Yeah well, thanks to him I am now.” Gordon tore another vicious bite from the chocolate bar. “Nice to know I still meant something to you.”

“I would go as far as to say that you’re only dangerous to those who are dumb enough to threaten you or those you care about,” Scott smiled hopefully, “You do still care about him, don’t you? John that is? He was devastated when I said you were scared of him.”

Gordon lowered the chocolate bar. “He was?”

Scott watched Gordon suddenly withdraw, going very quiet.

“I care more than he ever knows.” He whispered.

“What happened?” Scott asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the open line of communication he had finally obtained with Gordon.

“I keep fucking up. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing by him, making friends...I don't know what I'm doing Scott, I have no idea what's going through his head or if it's because I've never had a friend before.” Gordon played with the wrapping on his sweet. “He...confuses me, Scott.”

“It’s a difficult situation for you both, John’s confusing at the best of times… He’s not been right since you were taken away. Dad’s been piling the pressure on him at University and I don’t think he’s been able to find the time to discover who he is or what he wants… Not that he’ll ever be given that option.”

Scott sighed again before smiling at Gordon, nudging his shoulder, “Younger brother’s, eh? Who’d have ‘em. Least you only have two...”

Gordon smirked. “Do I actually count though? I'm still new to this ‘happy families’ game.”

“Of course you count, you muppet,” Scott snorted. 

Gordon stared at his chocolate again. “Can we head back? I want to apologize to John, unsure why I should be but it's a safe bet it's easier to do so.”

Scott nodded. “We'll stop by the drive through on the way, he's probably hungry and I promised to bring home tea.”

“Thank you Scott. For listening.” Gordon weakley smiled.

“Anytime,” Scott smiled as he fired up the car’s engine, pulling away and heading for the fast food restaurant. 

Picking up some fries and a burger for John, they returned to the car park under the apartment. Scott noted that Gordon was reluctant to get out of the car.

“You’ll be ok,” he reassured, “You don’t have to apologise to him if you have nothing to apologise for, Gordon… I’m sure he’ll be pleased to see us, well… You at least. I doubt I’ll be in favour as I had to lock him in the apartment.

Gordon paused. “You sure that was a wise move? Your apartment might smell like a dirty ashtray by now, won't that upset your landlord?”

“Well it was that or have him wandering around on his own. He said that he wanted to go out whilst we stayed up there… Didn’t like the idea of that one bit.”

“So locking him indoors where sharp objects are plenty, there's access to extension cables...see where I'm finding the problem with this after what I had been telling you goes through my head everyday?” Gordon looked concerned. 

Scott was amazed at how fast his younger brother moved to get out the car to run into the building, it was like watching a weasel chasing down a rabbit with how fast he jinxed around the parked cars.

Following Gordon as he was tearing up the stairwell to the apartment, Scott jogged in an attempt to catch him up, hurriedly unlocking the door and standing aside as the worried redhead burst through, calling frantically for their younger sibling.

“JOHN!”

As Gordon frantically darted through the apartment in search of John, Scott quickly checked the bathroom before heading to the living area where he was faced with the sight of smashed glass, bits and pieces from the coffee table littering the floor. He frowned as he checked the carnage in front of him.

Scott turned to see Gordon disappear into John’s room, hearing an apprehensive holler. Racing after Gordon, Scott stepped into the room to see his brother on his knees beside a motionless bunch of bedcovers. His heart sank to the pit of his stomach.

Gordon cautiously peeled back the bedcover to reveal John’s exhausted form, unconscious and unmoving. He watched as Gordon meticulously checked John over.

Everything about Gordon’s demeanour immediately relaxed, his shoulders falling, his exhale of the breath he’d been holding and his head tilting forward. 

Scott felt the tension bleed out of his own body, leaning up against the wall behind him for support. 

Sinking down on the bed beside John, Scott ran his hand affectionately through his sibling’s feathery blonde hair. “He looks utterly drained,” he spoke in a soft voice, looking at the sickly colourless skin of his younger brother. 

“I’ll give you some time alone, ok Gordo?” Scott whispered as Gordon nodded silently, “I gotta make a few phone calls and clean up, let me know if you need anything.”

Getting up quietly, Scott walked out the room closing the door carefully behind him. He frowned at the mess around his living room and began his work tidying the items away and clearing the hundreds of pieces of glass from the floor.

Gordon investigated John once more and satisfied there was no injuries, lifted his brother onto the bed with a bit of difficulty, more or less dragging him up onto it and spent at least an hour fussing over him, making sure he was comfortable before scouring the floor for rogue glass.

Satisfied there was none he sat on the floor by the bed, still afraid to get too close to John, knowing full well if he crawled into bed with him he was going to not wake up with every chance of John stabbing him to death thinking he had sex with him while he was asleep.

Gordon didn't want John to think that after giving him a blow job and being forced to flee. Was already going to be impossible to talk to him as it was anyway.

Slowly, Gordon dozed off on the floor, awaiting the fate of his relationship with John.


	29. ultimatium

Gordon was awoken later that evening by short huffed whimpers from above him. Groggily he sat his aching body up and looked across at his brother.

John’s body had wriggled free of the covers, loose pyjamas clung to his sweat-soaked pale skin like paper. As his eyes adjusted to the low light, Gordon could make out the terrified trembling of his brother’s body.

His sibling’s clenched fists were balled in the sheets on the mattress, tugging at them frantically. John’s eyes were screwed shut and his eyebrows were furrowed in discomfort.

“Uh… N-No! Stop it! No, no…” repeated mumblings drawled out of John’s mouth.

“John?” Gordon whispered, afraid to reach over to touch him. He could be still freaking out about his attackers, the violence Gordon used to get him away or…

Voicing how he felt when Gordon gave him a blow job.

He pulled back his hand that had started to reach out for his sibling, aware that he had only added to the nightmare and maybe interference would only make it worse.

John’s body suddenly curled in on itself, arms flying up to protect his face. 

“Help me,” John whimpered into his arms, “G-Gordon… he’ll h-help…”

Gordon flinched. What was he supposed to do? 

After hearing his name being called out a few more times he caved in. If John woke up and murdered him for being beside him then...at least Gordon had one last good go at trying to be a brother.

He crawled under the covers, hushing John as he did so and gently pulling the failing limbs into his chest along with his brother's feverish head, resting him against the left breast and letting his pounding heartbeat calm his brother down. He nuzzled and ran his fingers through John's wispy hair, breathing as calmly as he could to keep the reassuring calm between them.

“Good night little prince, savior of the galaxy and all the worlds that reside. Your friend fox has come to be your guide and companion through your toughest journey to save rose and all the universe.”

Gordon started to quietly hum, his hands making patterns of stars and planets across the back of John's top, sending his younger brother back to sleep and eventually causing him to doze.

John stirred lightly in a bleary-eyed state. His eyes were closed but he could still see the light of the early morning sun through his eyelids. 

He became vaguely aware of his head resting against something warm and emitting a steady rhythmic heartbeat. John then noticed gentle arms around him. 

Jolting slightly, noticing both he and the body in front of him were fully clothed, John looked up to see the face of his sleeping sibling before relaxing slightly. Gordon had come back to help him. 

Pulling himself free from his brother’s constricting hold and shuffled backwards, looking quietly at Gordon’s resting form from a more comfortable distance. He reached forward and grasped his hand tightly in his own before settling back down.

There was a mild grunt but Gordon failed to stir. This was the first time in a while he actually slept without either passing out on the floor, the desk in his room, the kitchen table during dinner or on the couch as Scott was running him through his science and maths books. Even after a few shakes he stayed deep asleep, even rolling over and dangling his limbs off the edge of the bed.

John smiled softly to himself before reaching his other hand out to delicately reach and touch Gordon’s face, his fingers ghosting across the bruised skin. 

He wasn’t sure if he was still dreaming, or if he was really lying in bed with the man who saved him. 

It was then Gordon let out a soft snore and mumbled “Rest well little Prince.”

Smiling slightly, John shuffled in closer to the body of his sleeping sibling, but not too close as to alarm him if he were to wake up. 

“I’m sorry Gordon… I didn’t mean to scare you…”

There was another soft grunt and then Gordon shifted, rolling out of the bed.

The covers whipped off the bed as Gordon crashed onto the floor. John heard a small growl from the bundle of duvet and peered cautiously over the edge of the bed. He was greeted by wide amber eyes, full of fear and hurt. John watched as Gordon tried to untangle himself out of the covers.

“Gordon,” John pleaded quietly, “I didn’t push you away, I swear! You fell out of bed… I’m sorry… Will you come back?”

Gordon stopped fighting the covers and pulled them up over his head. “I - I dunno...you sure?”

John crawled towards the edge of the bed and slowly pulled the duvet from Gordon’s head, “I never meant to hurt you,” John whispered, “I didn’t think I’d react like that… I’m sorry.”

Hanging his head guiltily over the bed, John stared at the floor intensely. He hadn’t the heart to tell Gordon that he had lashed out fearful of allowing his guard to drop down after the party. He could not forgive himself for hurting and scaring his older brother, who had risked his own skin to save John that night. He vowed to himself that he would make up for it, even if he was confused about his feelings. 

“Yes well, I'm not eager to do it again.” Gordon winced. “So we'll be just sticking to staying just brothers ok?” 

He sat up and tried hard to look small and unthreatening. “So are we ok to start from scratch?”

John looked up from the side of the bed, unable to hide the sadness in his eyes as he forced a smile onto his face, “If that’s what you want… Yeah, we can start over,” he murmured shifting over to allow room for Gordon, his face falling. “Does that mean you won’t stay?”

Gordon shook his head. “I'll stay, just...only if you tell me if I'm crossing the line when I do, ok?”

John nodded wordlessly as Gordon returned to the bed beside him, lying motionless as if he touching John would burn his skin. John rolled over so that his head rested on his older brother’s arm, feeling Gordon flinch at the small action.

“Please don’t be scared,” John begged, “I can’t bare that I’ve hurt you.”

“It's not that.” Gordon’s face clouded. “It's the fact I hurt you.”

Nestling further towards Gordon’s chest, John released a shuddering breath as his mind retracted in on itself, reflecting blame upon himself once more.

“I know in my heart you’d never hurt me, Gordon… You tried to warn me and… I didn’t listen, it’s my own fault this happened to me,” John assured firmly, “I just… need time to process things.”

“Well...that's fair enough. But even I only give so many chances too ok? Not going to wait forever if… if that's not what you want.”

“Then tell me, honestly, what you want,” John asked quietly, looking up into Gordon’s eyes as he locked their hands together, “Because I don’t want to bark up the wrong tree if it means I might lose you again.”

Gordon sighed, sitting up and effectively pushing John off him. “Want to know what I want?” He said sternly. “I want to know what you want me to be? A brother or a lover? Honestly I have no idea how to be either and at the moment I can't learn to be either like this. Either choose or...or just..”

Gordon stood up and stormed around a little before giving up and heading for the bedroom door.

“Either decide, or let me go. I can't keep this up forever John...it - it's not fair. I want a life of my own, a chance to be someone you want in your life but if you never tell me what to do then I'm sorry, I won't wait… I've waited for so long for someone to accept me and I don't even know why because - “ he hesitated before hunting for the right words. “I don't even know who the fuck I am to begin with. I don't know… I just…”

Failing at finding what he wanted to say, he turned and left John's room, confused and more broken than before.


	30. what he really wants

It was a good few days later before John ventured out of his room for something other than a brief dash to the toilet, though he admitted it was more due to the necessity to rid himself of the contaminated and dishevelled feeling that crawled across his skin than to seek out the company of another person. Having allowed his body to heal in peace for some time, he finally felt he possessed the courage to wash the sense of uncleanliness from himself.

Poking his head out of his bedroom door, John regarded his eldest brother engaged in a hushed video call with Virgil, too engrossed to notice him. Creeping out of his room, John made his way carefully down the hall before slipping into the bathroom and locking the door swiftly behind him. 

Quickly draping the hand towel over the mirror, John began to undress himself and shed the pyjamas from his skin. 

Stepping into the shower he angled the showerhead away as he turned on the water, waiting for it to heat up before upping the temperature until the water was almost scalding. Holding his breath he submerged himself beneath the blazing stream of water, exhaling as he felt it sterilising his skin of grime and his mind of festering feelings.

John allowed himself to be methodical and meticulous with his cleaning, taking a great amount of time to make sure he felt he was rid of the dirt that he had sensed there.

After scrubbing himself down once more, John shut off the shower and dried himself slowly before wrapping himself in the towel, collecting his grubby clothes and making the hasty return journey to his room.

John had already stripped his bed of the sheets and replaced them before his shower, leaving the old sheets in a pile beside his door to which he added his dirty pyjamas and towel. John looked out the window upon the city bathed in the late evening light before sighing. 

He dressed himself up in tight fitting black jeans and a deep peacock blue dress shirt adorned with bright indigo pinstripes, pulled his favourite coat - a mahogany brown double-rider leather jacket, over one shoulder and opened his door ready to make another sly dash towards the bathroom.

Once inside, John hunted around the shelves until his eyes fell upon the small container he had been searching for. Picking up the leave-in conditioner that Gordon had used on him, John applied a small amount through his damp hair, massaging it into the platinum strands before pulling the towel off the mirror and inspecting the results. A small smile crept across his features and for the first time in days he felt like himself again. John returned the container to where he found it had silently exited the bathroom. 

In the hallway, John stood hidden as he listened to Scott’ voice conversing with the metallic version of Virgil’s deeper tones. John could pick out the odd word or two as the pair exchanged their concerns on what he had worked out was his and Gordon’s aversion of one another for the days following the party. He came to the realisation that Scott had probably confided in Virgil and shared what he knew about the events of that night.

Sighing to himself, John turned around and opened the door to the apartment without a single noise before slipping out and bouncing down the stairs towards the street below.

Finally out in the warm evening air John hauled his leather coat onto his arms, digging his hands into the deep pockets. He strolled along the quiet streets, his eyes focused on the floor a little way ahead of himself as the few people that were around passed him by. 

Taking his usual extended route, John found himself on the same street as the coffee shop he frequented. Knowing it would be open for another hour or so, He stepped through the door and relaxed at the familiar comforting aroma of fresh coffee. 

Sitting at his usual spot in a lone booth beside the window, John settled himself down on the soft chair, he pulled out his phone and began pulling up some of his study material to busy his mind.

Sipping his coffee, John’s thoughts drifted away from his studies to the dreams that had been plaguing what little sleep he had managed to attain. Dreams of his closest sibling above him in the throws of passion, his body pressing into his own.

Each episode of the hot dreamy state brought John a different perspective of the potential blissful euphoria they could share. The image of Gordon’s flushed face beneath him as John filled him deep with his own length, his sibling gasping his name as he climaxed. 

John shuddered as he felt heat rising in his face, quickly taking a swig from his drink and looking around nervously, shifting against the uncomfortable hardness beneath his jeans. If he could only find the courage to approach Gordon and show him exactly what he was harbouring in his dreams.

After leaving the coffee shop as it closed its doors, John ambled his way home in the false glow of the streetlights. Approaching the door to Scott’s apartment, John grimaced when he saw the door ajar. 

Creeping up to the door, John peeked through to see a small light on on the living area. Closing the door carefully behind him, John wandered quietly to see Gordon asleep on the couch. 

Smiling softly to himself, John bent down and placed a light kiss upon his sibling’s forehead as he returned to his room in an attempt to slip into his graphic dreams once more. 

Shedding his clothes, John slid under the fresh covers of his bed and slowly let his left hand graze down his slim chest and abdomen until it reached the still rock-hard flesh of his already weeping erection. Wrapping his fingers around the hot and sensitive length, he closed his eyes and lay his head back against the pillows.

John imagined himself knelt above Gordon’s body staring down into the warm and endlessly deep caramel eyes of his sibling, watching them cloud over with desire. He could almost feel the torrid breaths that huffed from between Gordon’s lush parted lips regarding as his tongue darted out to wet them. 

He imagined how Gordon would praise him, make him feel as though he were the only person in the world that could satisfy his sibling’s burning desires. His strokes began softly, sluggishly sliding his hand against the fluid that leaked from the tip. 

John tried to form the picture in his mind of Gordon’s strong hand taking the place of his own, teasing him delicately and painstakingly drawing his thumb over the slit to draw a low moan from John’s mouth. He tried to remain quiet in reality, not wanting anything to interrupt his selfish indulgent actions.

Trying to envisage the sensation of rising up and guiding Gordon’s hard broad member into place, John moaned out as he could only dream of how it would feel to have his body absorb his sibling’s flesh completely. 

His movements became more erratic as his teenage body was overwhelmed by his imagination, unable to last as long as he would have liked, the thought of riding Gordon’s body alone enough to bring him to his climax. Thick liquid burst over his abdomen as he bit down hard on his free hand to remain silent.

A lonely and sickening feeling washed over John as he realised he was alone in his bed, covered in his own warm fluids and empty inside. 

He wished that he had not pushed Gordon away, that he had put up more of a fight to try and make them more than strangers, more than brothers.

To make them lovers.


	31. still thinking about you

Gordon hadn't been faring well either. Scott had started watching him rather carefully the moment his sibling started displaying strange erratic behavior.

And with good reason too.

Gordon had started to withdraw and shunt every waking hour of his free time away from college studying to the point Scott had to force him to eat, drink and sleep. At one stage he even had Gordon sleep in his own bed while watching over him just to make sure he stayed there.

It wasn't because he was less worried about John - infact Scott had tried to talk to him on several occasions to only be shut out - it was because finding Gordon after work again in the buildings car park in his spot caused him to get a major fright when Scott almost rolled over his unconscious form that looked like it had been beaten till he was left to bleed to death 

Scott found out a day later after filing a report with the police that the same troublemakers whom the police were chasing down for John's assault at the party had tracked Gordon down and returned the brutal favor and from CCTV footage he was asked to identify people from at the station.

In away, John walling himself inside his bedroom was FAR better than him wandering around outside - especially now those monsters knew where they lived.

Gordon had seemingly given up on trying to make friends with John too, something Scott found rather sad. Occasionally he'd see him hesitate while infront of John’s bedroom door only to pull away and react as if there was a dangerous fiery backdraft lurking on the other side. 

Some part of Gordon hadn't given up and was fighting against his melancholy state to reach out and try to be the brother John kept asking him to be, conflicted with the fact Gordon knew he could never be it.

The beating was a savage blow to that, Gordon giving up all together and no longer bothering about John nor his own attempts to turn his life around, Scott having to now push him into doing that too. He felt awful in a way, like he was like their father pushing Gordon into being something he didn't want to be - but what was the alternative? Let him just give up completely and find him dead somewhere? Scott was going to have none of that under his roof.

All of that changed a few days before John's birthday, taking Scott completely by surprise.

Gordon approached him in the kitchen while he prepared dinner and had asked if he could show John a nice time out and Scott was quick to say yes, a little too excited to see Gordon wanting to make the effort to be John's older brother again.

There was a catch.

He just agreed to fly them both out to Sydney, Australia for one night.

“Wait, what? Why Sydney?” Scott spluttered his coffee in surprise.

“Yes.” Gordon slipped onto a seat at at the kitchen counter. “I promised John I'd take him to the ‘Three Sixty’ restaurant - you know, Mum’s favorite - and I thought, what better way to spend his birthday, looking out over the magnificent Sydney skyline in the late evening skies.”

“Where would you stay?” Scott asked, curiosity getting ahead of him. 

“Thought of that,” Gordon said, a smile sitting on his face for the first time in what felt like forever. “There's a nice hotel overlooking Sydney Harbor I thought would be great to stay at, hence the one night. I've been saving that money you've been giving me and sure, it's not much but I can pay for it.”

Scott carefully placed the hot pot he was cooking with onto a cutting board on in the counter. “How much is it?”

Gordon pulled some paper from his pocket and handed it over. Scott’s eyes flew open wide.

“Holy smokes! You sure you can afford that?”

“Well… not the hotel room I want but it will do I imagine.” Gordon shrugged. “I just want to show John I can be a decent brother by buying him dinner somewhere nice.”

Scott clicked his tongue in amusement. “Well, if I give you a few extra hundred,would that bump the quality of the room up from janitors closet?”

“Huh? My choice of room wasn't that -” 

“You wouldn't need to share if I toss in a bit extra. Think of the hotel as my present to John for his birthday.”

Gordon nodded slowly. “Ok, sure that sounds ok.” He still held his big grin. “Thank you.”

That night Gordon lay in bed after fiddling around on the computer to change the room booking, however he kept the bedroom sleeping arrangements the same - one big queen size bed, ensuite and view of the harbour.

his heart was pounding hard, his breathing rapid and out of control from excitement. 

He had been thinking about this for ages, planning it and trying to focus on the positives that might come from going all out in a display of affection. There was certainly a downside too, but he knew he could take it. If he got rejected then he knew that it was truly over and could move on, focusing on doing the only thing that was working for him.

He had spend hours learning the right song, borrowing Scott’s guitar to practice till it was note and pitch perfect, he had picked out the most somber shade of red for his suit, a deep blood red of velvet with black and white trimmings and a bowtie - he wanted to leave an impression that he was serious, that this was make or break.

Sure he had been beaten, broken and depressed but he fought through, even if he needed Scott to be his crutch a while. The dreams of serenading John, running his hands across his skin, cascading kisses across the flesh like a waterfall and John in his lap, his body and needy erection pressed firmly against his body as Gordon made love to him, his brother's head resting on his shoulder, purring softly at every thrust, nuzzling him and returning the kisses.

Then there was the fact Gordon could possibly do this with John facing to other way, clinging to him as Gordon tasted him at the same time as making love to him, pleasuring John both front and back. Why not? Gordon was short enough and John had the length that made it possible, hell in the right propped up position, he could easily give John head while his brother rode on top of him at the same time.

But only if John was to say yes.

Gordon prayed he wouldn't stomp on his heart, not after all this effort to impress him.


	32. dinner at the 360

Sat in the back of Scott’s sports car, John looked awkwardly between his older brothers in the front two seats. There had been no indication of what their intentions were when they ushered him into the car after Gordon had packed a few of his belongings into a bag whilst Scott kept John out of the way. Now they had been exchanging hushed words with one another and not once enlightened John on their plans.

Frustrated, John sighed and folded his arms before glaring at Scott’s eyes in the rear view mirror. “Will someone please tell me where we’re going?” He demanded angrily.

“International scenic flight.” Scott said, grinning as he glanced at the rearview mirror. My birthday gift to you.”

“International?” John breathed in surprise, “To where though?”

Receiving no response from either of his grinning brothers, John focused his attention to the airfield on the horizon as the car sped along the highway. He tried to think of any location that Scott had mentioned to him, his brain drawing a blank. 

“A sizeable distance.” Scott eventually said. “We’ll pass dad's Island paradise for sure.”

John’s eyes grew wide, “The South Pacific? Bloody hell Scotty!” He grinned, “What are we doing flying out all that way?”

The car pulled up towards the security gates of the airfield, Scott showing a pass card and driving beneath the raised barrier as the cars engine growled loudly. 

“Scenic flight.” Scott repeated. “Thought it would be nice to feel like a bird for a day. Closest thing you'll get to space till you’ve finished uni. Think of it as a unique present.”

John beamed as Scott cut the car’s engine, excitement building when he finally got a glimpse of the jet they would be travelling in. He’d heard Scott talk of it fondly before and it was the first time he had seen it in person. The lustrous slate coloured aircraft had sapphire embellishments across the smooth alloy surface. Two large engines were mounted at the rear of the plane upon the fuselage.

“She’s pretty,” John smiled, nudging Scott’s arm as he looked at his aircraft with adoration in his eyes.

“Aint she?” Scott sighed, “Two Rolls-Royce afterburning turbofans, mach one point five capabilities, each whacking out twenty thousand pounds of thrust...”

Gordon stared at Scott as he continued to reel off the speeds and numbers, lost on his disinterest having never been one to think much of flying. John on the other hand seemed to happily buzz about the aircraft as Scott happily supplied lightning response answers to each and every question John had.

In a way it took John's attention off him, which was just as well as now Gordon was becoming nervous. Would John like his gift after this amazing joy ride in the sky from Scott? What happens if everything goes wrong? Would John race to Sydney airport and fly home or find Scott and both of them ditch Gordon in Sydney? Or worse - John vanishing without a trace.

Gordon’s palms were sweating, his heart pounding in his chest, thumping away trying to escape and be free of its chains in his ribcage.

He dreaded to think about how horribly wrong it could all go, how fast it could fall apart if John rejected him and walked away.

Slipping into the co-pilot’s seat beside Scott, John excitedly watched as his older brother carried out pre-flight checks. John turned his head and beamed at Gordon who was sat quietly in a chair behind them.

“Not a nervous flyer, are you Clownfish?” John offered, a wash of concern on his face. “This is going to be so much fun!”

Surprised John was directing conversation his direction for the first time in quite a while, Gordon immediately blushed and glanced away. 

“Second ever flight.” He mumbled. Heck may as well call it the first, after all their father did have Gordon shoved into a dark windows part of his private mini jet where he was freaking out the entire trip in the dark and no ground underneath him.

“Oh…” he trailed off, reaching his hand back to offer Gordon reassurance.

Frowning at Gordon’s avoidance of his touch, John retracted his hand and turned his body towards the controls, watching with interest as Scott spooked up the engines and taxied towards the runway. 

John almost squealed with delight as the thrust of the engines roared into life and propelled them at great speed into the air. The exhilarating rush of adrenaline and excitement causing him to grip the armrests tightly as they soared through the air.

Gordon gripped the seat as the plane shot off the runway at speed, eyes shut tight wondering why the hell he asked Scott to take them all the way to Australia in this god forsaken thing. Everytime Scott or John prompted him to check out the view, Gordon shook his head and kept his eyes closed.

“Scotty! Please can we do a loop? Please?” John begged having regressed to a child like state of buzzing happiness.

Scott chuckled heartily as he throttled up the engines, shouting back to Gordon, “Fancy a loop the loop, Gordo? What about a barrel roll?”

Gordon didn't reply, vomiting into a bag. He was trying hard to keep his clothes clean though it probably didn't matter as he planned to change into his suit the second Scott left them alone so he could take John to the fancy restaurant he booked for two.

“Yeesh… Maybe we just fly steady and level for a while, huh?” Scott grimaced at the sounds of Gordon’s stomach contents making their appearance.

They sat in relative silence for the next hour or so as they continued to soar like a great falcon through the brilliant cloudless blue sky.

“Check out that view,” Scott said after a while. “It's magnificent.”

Standing up from his seat, John hurriedly presses his face up against the side window of the Jet. Below them was the glittering azure sea of the South Pacific Ocean, a small island isolated among the seemingly never ending waves.

“Dad’s new home for us.” Scott said. “Wish I knew what he was doing with it though.”

Gordon cautiously looked and regretted it, vertigo taking hold and making him slink into his seat. “S-scotty….how far to land?”

“Around twenty minutes, Gordo,” Scott offered, “Not long now.”

John observed the island beneath them as it disappeared out of sight. “But we’re getting older and moving on with our lives, why would we want to move back in together?”

Scott remained silent as John returned to his seat. “Dunno, Johnny,” he added hastily, “Have to wait and see I guess.”

The remainder of the flight was filled with the chatter of communications as Scott sought permission to land at one of the nearby airports.

“Hey, I thought you said we were going for a flight,” John turned to look between his brothers suspiciously, “You didn’t say anything about landing.”

“Oh? Didn't I?” Scott played dumb.

“Please...guys stop screwing around…” Gordon's voice shook. “I want to have my feet on the ground!”

John heard the loud relieved sigh from behind him as the aircraft’s tyres screeched onto the hot tarmac of the runway, engines spooling in reverse to slow their speed. 

“Where are we?” John demanded, impatience beginning to get the better of him.

“Sydney.”

Gordon was fast to get out of the craft, stumbling and tapping the ground before going to unload the plane. 

John rushed out after Gordon, quick to offer an arm to carry his own bag as his sibling pulled it from the aircraft. His memory pinpointed an earlier conversation between Gordon and himself about visiting Sydney before. He made several attempts to get Gordon’s attention to no avail before settling to follow his older sibling away from the jet towards a waiting vehicle, complete with suited chauffeur he assumed was for them. 

Ears pricking up as he heard the whirring growl of the two engines on Scott’s aircraft throttle up, John turned around quickly to watch as the plane sped off towards the runway once more.

“Gordon!” He called, catching up with his older brother and grabbing his shoulder, “What’s happening? Where’s Scotty going?”

John observed the small aircraft thrust gracefully into the sky away from the small airport, confused and a little nervous. Rooted to the spot seeing the jet disappear into the clouds in the distance, John glanced towards the figure stood impatiently tapping his foot beside the waiting vehicle.

“What’s going on?”

Gordon flashed his brother a smile. “My present.” He said. “Are you coming or not?”

Hurrying over to the the vehicle and slipped into the seat as Gordon took the one beside him. “My present? Woah…” he breathed quietly, “Where are we going?”

John groaned in frustration as he watched Gordon tap his nose and smile at him wordlessly. The driver steered the vehicle away from the tarmac of the runway, towards the city skyline ahead of them, nerves and enthusiasm bubbling away in John’s chest.

Gordon rummaged through the bag he brought and handed John his own. “Might want to suit up before we get there too.” He winked.

He pulled out a blood red jacket and a white shirt, stripped out of his t-shirt and redressed, carefully adjusting the black tie. “Sorry we had to do this bit in the car, but the surprise is in two parts and...well can't spoil a part of it just yet so…”

Pulling the bag of clothing that Gordon had packed for him onto his lap, John pulled out a rich plum coloured pair of silk dress pants. Removing his jeans and kicking off his shoes, John pulled the slim-fitting pants up his elongated legs and fastened the zipper and button in place.

A plain white shirt with black buttons securing the collar in place was folded neatly in the bag and was the next item of clothing that John pulled onto his body after shedding his casual clothes. The single breasted jacket was of the same purple silk as the pants, though the wide shawl lapel was a shining black hue which matched the skinny tie that he wrapped around his neck and folded into place.

John reached into the bag and pulled out a pair of black leather brogues that he recognised as his own. They were the only dress shoes he possessed and he always kept them well-buffed and with a glossy shine.

Stuffing his casual clothes into the bag, John sat back into his seat realising they were already close to the harbour area of the city. The Sydney Harbour Bridge emerged and dominated the view ahead of them. Looking across to Gordon, John’s heart fluttered as he absorbed the sight before him.

His brother was dressed in a smart blood-red velvet suit, making adjustments to his matching bow-tie with little grunts of frustration. John’s mouth hung open in shock as he noticed how Gordon’s body filled the suit perfectly, accentuating his broad shoulders and narrow tapering waist.

 

“Gordon,” John breathed, reaching out to help him with his bow-tie, “You look glorious.”

“Heh, you look drop dead gorgeous yourself.” Gordon blushed. “We're running a bit late so hopefully they've still got our table.”

“You’re taking us for dinner?” John smiled shyly, “This is the sweetest thing anyone has done for me.”

John finished fixing Gordon’s tie and leant back against the car seat, staring across the beautiful city. He snuck his hand over to Gordon’s knee and squeezed it thankfully. 

“You told me it was beautiful here, but… Wow it’s stunning.”

“Haven't seen nothing yet.” Gordon held a soft smile as he patted John's leg. “Trust me.”

As the vehicle came to a halt, John stared up out of the window at the monumental tower that stood in front of them. A narrow tapering structure with a bulbous formation towards the tip of the spire. John grinned as he gazed up in awe. He hadn’t noticed Gordon getting out of the car until he appeared beside John’s door, opening it for him and holding out an arm. 

Extracting himself from the vehicle, John linked his arm with his sibling’s and continued to survey the impressive tower that stuck up into the sky. 

“The three-sixty restaurant,” John whispered under his breath, “Bloody hell, we’re actually here!”

Gordon kissed John's cheek. “Happy birthday John.”

Holding his brother's hand he lead him into the building and paid the fee to go up the elevator to the restaurant deck and both were seated at a table by the glass where the skyline of Sydney in the evening sun looked magnificent as the skies turned from blue, yellow, pink and purple hues.

Tearing his eyes away from the breathtaking views of the city around them, John beamed happily at his brother across the table, reaching out his hands to grip Gordon’s. “This is perfect! I can’t believe you’ve done all this… For me!” John whispered with excitement. “It must have cost you an absolute bomb, you didn’t have to do all this.”

“You deserve more, John.” Gordon flushed shyly. “I spent all year saving for this so… please, enjoy it. You've been so nice to me so I wanted to repay you.”

“Oh I am certainly going to enjoy it! It’s just so amazing, I’m blown away!” John squeezed Gordon’s hands in his own, “I’ve not been the nicest to you lately, I’ll make it up to you though. I promise.”

Looking over the menus that were laid in front of them John refused to relinquish his grip on one of Gordon’s hands, holding it tightly. “What are you going to have? I think the herb-crusted sirloin steak looks fantastic.”

“I… I didn't think that far…” Gordon fidgeted under John's alluring stare. “I guess the lamb shanks sound good.”

“Sorry if I’m getting ahead of myself, I’m starving,” John grinned, captivated by Gordon’s dashing appearance, “You really do look amazing, Clownfish… This is a dream, I swear.”

“It's no dream. We're really here.”

He hesitantly reached out to touch John’s hand, scared he wasn't really sitting there. After all, Gordon had been freaking out over this so much that now fact and fiction were blurring together very dangerously making it hard to tell them apart. 

He could feel the blood pumping around his body like made from adrenaline, his heart rapidly dancing around in a farcical ballet and his head trying to keep it all together under control.

John let himself soak in the ambient music and chatter of the restaurant for a few quiet minutes whilst he gazed curiously at his brother sat before him, hunched over and studying the menu with intent. Gordon’s hunched posture and mussed hair was a stark contrast to the crisp velvet suit he was dressed in. John noted each table around them, not a single one vacant - this was not the kind of place where you’d acquire a table booking on impulse. It was clear that Gordon had spent some time planning for the occasion from the location to the money he had saved to bring them there.

The waiter returned after some time and took their orders before retreating with a smile. John had opted for a non-alcoholic drink - a lemonade - having lost the desire to drink alcohol ever since the party. He took sudden interest in the tableware before watching the lone candle gradually melt the wax surrounding the wick.

“I can’t thank you enough for this, Gordon.” John uttered softly, looking at his sibling adoringly, his stare fixed intently on the russet brown irises that finally met his own sapphire blues. “This is way beyond anything I could have imagined. I can see why it was mum’s favourite place.”

 

Gordon’s smile faded and he raised the menu to hide behind. Scott had reminded him of that too and Gordon felt awful that he couldn't pick somewhere original that their father didn't take their mother to and once Scott told him their father now owned it…

Gordon couldn't help but feel useless that he couldn't do something original that no one else his family seemed to have done before. He wanted this to be John's unique night only he could give him...and he seemed to fuck that up out of the gate.

But he already booked the restaurant before Scott told him, spent the few hundred for the booking… there was no way he could cancel it without losing the six hundred dollar reservation. 

“Yeah… guess I knew that…”

“Hey, is everything ok?” John asked quietly with concern, moving the menu down so he could see Gordon’s face. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, of course not!” Gordon spluttered. “I just… didn't know that until Scott pointed it out and then forgot about it.”

“I think it’s sweet… And besides,” John took one of Gordon’s hands between both his own, “This can be our favourite place now.”

Gordon blushed, his face getting red hot. “I was hoping where we're going to stay would be actually be it.”

“Well I haven’t seen it yet, but if it’s anything like this…” John trailed off, looking around them, “Then I’m sure it will be. Do I get any clues?”

Gordon tapped the window. “That's your clue out there.”

John snorted as he looked out onto the city below them, “Could you be a little more specific? Or are you going to be all mysterious tonight?” He laughed lightly.

“That IS the clue John. The city, the skyline, the view.” he chuckled. “It's the biggest damn clue and I can't hide that.”

John’s face scrunched as he looked out of the windows, “It might be obvious to you, but that’s because you know what it is!” He smiled as he looked back to Gordon. “I look forward to it whatever it is anyway, the fact that you’ve planned it means it will be great.”

Gordon sighed. The damn surprise WAS right infront of his brother's face. The hotel room he got purly was only picked for the view of the city, not because it was super flash. Quietly, he sipped his drink, wondering if what he had planned later was a good idea and if he should call Scott now to take them home and cancel the rest of the evening as maybe trying to be romantic was lost on his sibling tonight.

But that would mean canceling the roses petals on the floor and the bed he paid for, the candlelight set up he arranged and of course the deserts and the guitar he requested in the room...and Gordon felt the effort would be wasted if he didn't at least try.

Besides, the worst John could do was say no. At least if he did, he did his best and knew that it was a definitive final answer. 

He wanted to tell him his love for him right now and spare himself the heartbreak later but then he was never brilliant with his feelings.

The song, the hotel room, the romantic set up..no way could John get the wrong message.

Their food and drinks arrived swiftly, John’s wide eyes lighting up as he saw the meticulously presented plates placed in front of them. He politely waited until their waiter had excused himself before digging into the steak and savouring the mouthwatering taste as the perfectly cooked meat all but dissolved on his tongue. 

Moaning softly in approval, John looked across at Gordon who was slowly tucking into his own food.

“This is divine,” he exclaimed, smiling at the snorted grin he got in response.

“I wouldn't know… it's fancy food so I guess it has to taste nice?” Gordon laughed. “When it's two hundred and fifty dollars a plate it better be.”

John coughed as he almost inhaled his bite of food in surprise. “How much?” He hissed, shocked that Gordon would have spent so much money on him. “Bloody hell, Gordon… You shouldn’t have. That’s a crazy amount of money.”

“Six hundred for table booking, one hundred just to come up for the view too.” Gordon smiled resting on his arms. “If you enjoy it, it's worth every penny.”

John sighed as he placed his cutlery down for a moment. They had been avoiding the elephant in the room for the duration of the journey and meal so far. John was unsure where the sudden truce had originated from, since he and Gordon had been equally doing their own part to avoid one another for some time.

“Why would you want to spend that on me, when we’ve been so distant from one another? I figured you’d never want to speak to me again…” John was saddened when he saw Gordon’s smile falter. “I’m sorry to bring it up but I just want us to be able to spend time together without it being awkward.”

John smiled at Gordon, trying to pull the smile back to his face. “I really and truly appreciate all of this… It’s the most amazing place, with the best company… I just don’t want it to end… Thank you, Clownfish.”

“I just wanted you to have a nice birthday.” Gordon glanced at the window. “Been planning it for months…. If.. If you don't want to spend anymore time with me than this, just say so.”

He sighed heavily. “The other surprise can wait another time. I understand if you want to go back to things as they were before today.”

“You’re always so nice to me John, I wanted to repay that in kind only way I know how that isn't going to have you angry with me.” Gordon looked him in the eyes. “I'm sorry if this isn't the way to do it that you like.”

John’s look softened as he searched Gordon’s eyes, taking his hand into his own. “How could I be angry with you? Please believe me when I say that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now. This is amazing, I just needed to know that we’re really moving past all that shit…”

Gordon cringed. “W-which shit?” he uttered, clearly worried the rest of the night was in jeopardy. “The party or...t-the stuff after?”

“The party,” John muttered, gripping Gordon’s hand, “And the way I reacted afterwards. I’m sorry I didn’t stand up and tell you how I really felt.”

Gordon visibly flinched this time. He knew what was coming next and lowered his head. “It's ok. You don't have to. I know I took a step too far and I'm sorry. Won't happen ever again I swea-”

John quickly leant across the table and muted any further words by pressing his slim lips against Gordon’s, hand cupping the back of his head to hold him closer. He felt his sibling’s tense body slouch and relax into the kiss, a shaking hand reaching up to hold his wrist.

“You’ve nothing to apologise for,” John whispered as their lips parted, “I was hoping it wasn’t a one off.”

Amber eyes stared back in shock before fluttering closed as Gordon turned red. “W-well you'll see after d-dinner.” He stuttered, still gobsmacked. “Got a surprise.”

“You’re full of surprises this evening,” John smirked, slipping back into his seat feeling as though a crushing weight had been lifted from around his heart. “You are amazing, Gordon. I don’t deserve you.”

Gordon shyly looked up. “We’ll see.”


	33. Night to remember

After the meal Gordon located their driver and he took them to a hotel that overlooked the harbour near the bridge. Carefully lugging their overnight gear up to their room, he trundled along behind John who held the swipe key and waited for John to step into the room before following in himself.

All the walls in the room were awash with dark colours spattered with swirling clusters of rich blue and violet tones that hazed around central nuclei of brilliant whites and pale yellows. There were splendorous elliptical bursts of bright hues against the obsidian background, representing distant galaxies and stellar remnants each seeming as if it were in motion before his eyes. The plush dense carpet beneath his feet was a warm and rich cream colour.

Two very thick light blocking curtains were open in front of the floor to ceiling windows, revealing the room was not only located in the corner of the building but surrounded by the late night views of the harbour.

The expansive sized bed against the far wall was a wondrous optical illusion, appearing as though it were floating in mid air with diffused cool-toned light pouring out from the vacant space underneath. The glistening satin bed covers were a deep lustrous grey colour, LED lights were embedded into the ceiling, randomly twinkling like stars in the night sky and a large mirror occupied the wall behind the bed.

Red and white cherry blossom petals were strewn across the floor, across the bed sheets and over the bed side tables where candles glittered in the darkness, a Guitar resting by the end of the bed.

John looked around the splendorous room, taking in each and every luxurious detail and dazzled by the shimmering candlelight contrasting the rich warm glow of the city lights.

“Gordon,” he breathed in awe, “I’ve never seen anything so… Perfect.”

As John walked over to the window to check out the view, Gordon put down their bags and picked up the gutar, giving it a little tune before starting to play, grabbing John’s attention and turning his head away from the twinkle of the city lights.

Ground Control to Major Tom  
Ground Control to Major Tom  
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on  
Ground Control to Major Tom  
Commencing countdown, engines on  
Check ignition and may God's love be with you 

Gordon shifted, walking closer to John as he played and serenaded his younger brother, getting in between him and the picturesque skies below, a very flirty smile across his face.

This is Ground Control to Major Tom  
You've really made the grade  
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear  
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare

John took a few steps back, looking very shy and very impressed as his older brother’s voice sounded like warm and drizzled into his ear drums like syrup. Backing away towards the bed, John sat down amongst the petals and to Gordon, looked as innocent as the day he first lay eyes on him.

This is Major Tom to Ground Control  
I'm stepping through the door  
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way  
And the stars look very different today

Gordon rested on the end of the bed beside John and leaned in closer so his brother could hear every beautiful note, every deep meaning about exploring the unknown and hoped against all hope, his brother would say yes.

For here  
Am I sitting in a tin can  
Far above the world  
Planet Earth is blue  
And there's nothing I can do

Before the song had even finished, Gordon leaned in to give John a deep kiss.

John returned the kiss with passion, leaving enough room for Gordon to continue playing the final chords of the song. Never in his life had he felt so… Wanted. His eyelids had drifted shut as his lips parted to allow Gordon’s tongue access to brush against his own. 

When they finally detached from one another, John was quietly panting for air with his eyes closed. The tender sentiment and display of endearment from his brother had made his insides heated with yearning desire. Thin eyelids fluttered open to reveal sparkling azure eyes flicking to focus on Gordon’s warm smiling face. John was utterly speechless, the grandeur of the immense gesture of affection rendering his brain incapable of basic conversational skills.

Watching as Gordon placed the guitar down John shuffled restlessly on the bed, disturbing numerous cherry blossom petals with his hands before reaching one up to brush against Gordon’s strong jaw.

Gordon didn’t take much time to push John back onto the sheets and his lips pressed against his brother’s lovingly, nuzzling and trailing warm kisses down his neck into the collar of his shirt. Hands slid under the silky jacket and freed his brother’s arms so he had access to his shirt and what lay beneath, nipping and licking as well, teasing every part of John he could reveal to the moon light.

Lying alongside him, his head down towards John’s pelvis, Gordon pulled John free and started to massage his already begging erection with his hands before kissing and licking it like it was the tastiest thing he had ever had before encompassing most of it in his mouth and doing everything he could to tease and play with him in a way he would enjoy.

Gasping at the hot sensation around his flesh, John moaned breathlessly as his back arched autonomously from the satin sheets, shoulders nudging against Gordon’s stomach. Goosebumps rose upon his bare chest and abdomen, hair prickling to attention as he felt waves of pleasure lapping over him like a softly burbling river.

Turning his head and torso towards his brother, John fumbled as he undid the crushed velvet pants that covered Gordon’s hips. He felt Gordon’s body shiver as he freed his wide member from the boxer shorts and gave a few gentle tentative strokes before hesitating briefly, the musky scent filling his nostrils.

Having never attempted anything like this, at least under his own volition, John cautiously suckled at the broad head, his eyes closed as his tongue brushed softly against the warm skin.

The movements of Gordon was making against his strained length helped push his apprehension away, leaving John eager to return the pleasurable favour. Those same movements however, caused John to moan involuntarily and swallow thickly around Gordon’s erection, earning a jolted thrust from his older brother.

Spluttering at the surprising size of Gordon’s member in his mouth, eyes watering slightly, John tried to experimentally mimic the same action. He felt a shuddering growl around his erection as Gordon’s hand suddenly moved to grip his hip with startling force.

There sounds of muffled moans and heavy breathing filled the room, each of them testing and uncovering what provoked the biggest reaction out of the other. They were locked together in a discovery of pleasure, taking delight in exploring one another with hungry mouths. 

The grip on his hip intensified as John took another deep draw of Gordon’s erection, slipping his tongue around it and hollowing his cheeks. In hindsight he should have heeded more attention to the sudden feeling of sharp fingernails in his skin, but instead he continued. Gordon’s body jolted and muscles tensed as he moved his mouth away from John and cried out in pleasure, his release spilling forth into John’s throat, catching him off guard and making him cough against the sour viscous fluid.

Recoiling back and sitting up quickly with embarrassment, John swallowed all Gordon had given him and looked up with a lustful smile on his face as he licked the last of the salty release from his lips.

Pulling Gordon until he moved on top of him, John kissed him deeply until Gordon pulled away with a devilish grin on his face to continue his endeavor to pleasure his younger sibling. He slid himself back down John’s body and began to tease the sensitive skin once again.

Gordon would have loved to have made John release as fast as he had but knew he had only done so because he had never had anyone go down on him before. He wanted to return the favour but John's long length was more than impossible to get fully into his mouth to do it.

There was another way though. 

With John still wet, Gordon slipped off his pants and boxers before straddling John's hips and lowering himself down, guiding his brother into the tight space between his narrow hips.

John bucked instantly from the entry and Gordon yelped, unprepared for the sensation of having something so long very deeply pushed into him.

He wanted John to know he wanted it both ways - not just to be dominant but to be dominated in return. Only problem was Gordon hadn't even got John in very far before discovering he had little room to move within him. He knew John could tell too with how tight the fit was just around the tip of his erection, the way he arched and was eager to thrust into him straight away, leaving him hanging on, whimpering and yelping as John gripped his waist to attempt to push deeper, all the way so their hips touched.

“T-too much?” John stammered as he bit his lip, trying hard to contain his body’s desire to fully submerge his length into the unimaginable tight warmth of his sibling’s body. “Sh-uhhh-should I s-stop?”

Gordon shook his head and kissed John roughly to indicate that he wanted to continue. Sure, it hurt but it was still pleasurable enough to ignore the unpleasant bits. 

Besides, no matter how big or small John would be, it was going to sting a little, more so for the first time.

John pulled Gordon closer, peeling back his velvet jacket and tossing it to one side before moving on to fumble open the buttons of his shirt. Slipping the fabric away from Gordon’s body, John flicked the collar up so that the bow-tie remained around his sibling’s neck.

Hands began to explore the newly exposed skin before him, fingers grazing over and nails digging sporadically as he gradually moved his hips to meet Gordon’s.

“Uhhh! Gordon… You’re so…” John’s breath hitches as Gordon dragged his hips forward, rolling them and gripping John’s shoulders. “Tight!”

John bucked his hips up and let his fingernails leave red trails across Gordon’s back, gasping and yelling as he felt teeth sink into his shoulder.

“Ah!” Gordon gasped out, muffled against John's shoulder. His entire body was in a heated frenzy, unable to keep up with the demand of John's forceful thrusts and was shaking as pleasure awashed through his system, is own new erection thumping against John's hip bones and abdomen, the sound of flesh slapping together filling the room.

“John! Oh Ah! UhhhhN! Ahh! John!” Gordon begged, as the pressure started to become too much. He panted and whispered in John's ear quickly, “Fill me with all your cum...uhhhh ah!”

He sunk his teeth back into John's shoulder as the next thrust pushed John in all the way and Gordon swore that he had now been torn a new arse.

The final thrust and resulting pain in his shoulder was enough to send John soaring into a euphoric release, fingers digging into Gordon’s thighs as he rode out his climax, calling his sibling’s name repeatedly. It was more than his dreams or imagination could have ever prepared him for. John had gladly, though unintentionally fulfilled Gordon’s request, feeling himself release inside his tight body. 

For a moment, John’s vision was flecked with white spots masquerading as stars, his breathing sharp and erratic as he recovered from his high. He became aware of Gordon’s weight resting heavily on his chest, small noises huffing into the air.

“G-Gordon? Are you alright?”

“Don’t pull out…” Gordon rasped. “Not just yet.”

John blinked as he panted heavily, “Ok…” He lifted Gordon’s face so he could look into his eyes, “You are amazing.”

“No...you are.” Gordon breathed out, nuzzling him. “Feels good...but tight...hurts a bit but don't...don't want you out yet. Might get the hang of it if you stay.” 

John slipped his hand between their bodies and wrapped his fingers around Gordon’s pulsing erection, slicking it with the fluid that had seeped out. 

“You want more?” John purred in a sultry tone, slowly working his hand against Gordon’s length. 

“Uh...uhhuh….please….” Gordon growled. “Need me to shift position?”

Rolling Gordon carefully off his hips, making sure to stay in place as they moved, John slowly settled himself to kneel between Gordon’s legs. 

John leaned down to kiss Gordon with a more soft attention than their previous ones. He continued to lavish slow and exacting attention to Gordon’s member as he rolled his hips up in time. It was taking every ounce of focus and self control but John managed to match the thrusts and strokes for a short while before his own returning erection made it difficult to move as freely.

One of Gordon’s hands reached out and dug deep into John's arm while the other buried itself into the sheets, balling them in his fist and arching back off the bed, letting out a very painful yelp as John fought to find a rhythm within him.

Gordon tried to stay still to allow John to move in and out but every thrust forced him to squirm, his entire body feeling the shock of the deep tight penetration, legs occasionally scrabbling for purchase.

“Ah! J-John! Johnny! Uhhhh!” Gordon begged feverishly, head thrown back against the pillows, stretching his neck as his entire body felt it was convulsing from over stimulation or mild pain from the intense friction - he wasn't sure. “John!”

John increased the pace of his hand along Gordon’s length, feeling his tight body twitching around him as spasms rocked through him.

“Uhhh ah Gordon! Not going to last- Ahh!”

Shifting quickly he leant down to capture Gordon’s lips once more, drawing his lower lip into his mouth and nipping at it.

He felt Gordon’s muscles tighten and contract around him as he hit his climax causing John to moan loudly in response, gritting his teeth as his own orgasm hit hard.

Gordon’s lips broke the kiss and he yelped in a sound that was indeed full of pain as John's viciously strong thrusts as he unleashed all his built up tension pushed him so hard Gordon could no longer feel pleasure. 

The sounds didn't go unnoticed by himself, Gordon biting hard on his tongue to stop more coming and his knuckles was going white as he fought the feeling of wanting to lash out as the unpleasant feeling intensified before dying down as John almost collapsed on top of him, completely spent.

Gordon wrapped his arms around him tight in an almost death like grip, panting hard and slightly gasping out every time John moved. He didn't want him to pull out, afraid that last endeavor left him torn and bleeding below.

As his body softened, John nuzzled into Gordon’s chest, trying to listen to the rhythmic thudding of his racing heartbeat. Strong arms locked him in place, unable to move his torso as he looked up at the pained face before him.

“Gordon?” Concern spread across John’s features as he noted the grimacing expression on his sibling’s face. “I hurt you! Oh man… I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Don't.” Gordon cut him off. “Please don't. I wanted it.”

Gordon breathed out. “Didn't expect to be… so small for you.” He looked John in the eyes. “Ok so I thought I might be but did think it was true…”

John chuckled lightly as he moved to kiss Gordon and withdraw his body swiftly. The following gasp and tightening grip around his chest forced the air out of his lungs as Gordon clung to him.

“It’s ok! You’re alright…” John gasped at his brother, “I don’t know if I can be the dominant guy you said about. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Well I don't exactly work well the other way around…” Gordon got all shy. “Not anything like you in that department. I'm kind of scared that if we try it you won't be satisfied.”

“We can try it?” John offered, “It looks as though mine might be too much.”

John slid from above Gordon and lay his body down beside him. He blushed quickly, “You know I had dreams about what it would be like to have you inside me…”

“Really?”

He nodded shyly, “Yeah, for weeks.” John admitted before propping himself on his elbow and leaning down to press his lips against Gordon’s. 

“Besides… Yours is much wider and… well… if anything I’m thinner than you…”

“Please don't tell me that.” Gordon tried to laugh it off. “I want this to work out somehow not screw it up before we even start.”

“You won’t screw it up,” John purred, nuzzling into the crook of Gordon’s neck. “Besides, we’ve got all night to figure it out.” 

Gordon allowed himself to be teased into submission. “I hope so.” He said, running his fingers across John's cheek. “As you're all I think about and not just sexually...but in general. You're such a wonderful and gentle person who invited me, a really screwed up individual into your life with open arms… I just want to protect that same beautiful being from the world, so nothing could ever harm you.”

“You’re not screwed up… You deserve all the kindness in the world,” John murmured as he relaxed into the soft caress that Gordon offered, “I hope that one day you see yourself for what you are… A wonderfully caring and kind person. I owe everything to you, for all you’ve done.”

Gordon snorted, smile still on his face as he looked away. “I haven't done anything of the sort yet.” He looked back at John, nuzzling him. “But I'm willing to for the rest of my life.”

John inhaled sharply, “Do you mean that as in ‘us’ or because we’re brothers?”

“Both.” Gordon smiled softly. “I've realised I can't have one without the other. It's all, or none.”

Pulling Gordon towards him, John gripped his shoulders tightly and kissed him passionately, tongues seeking each other out as hands began to roam across bare skin. 

“Then take me,” John breathed in between kisses.

Gordon was more than happy to oblige, the idol banter enough of a break to give his libido a restart and instead of just pushing John down to fuck him senseless, Gordon took his sweet time, exploring his younger brother with his lips brushing against skin, warm breath making fine strands of blonde chest hair raise and tentatively running his fingers over slightly raised muscles and watching them flex beneath his touch.

Around John's chest, Gordon followed the lightly showing ribs towards his nipples, blowing on them till they hardened from shivering before licking them with his warm tongue, tasting his younger brother's body.

John shivered beneath Gordon’s ghosting and gentle touches, his body responding without him thinking. His mind was overwhelmed by each stimulating lap of Gordon’s tongue.

“Uhhh! Gordon… oh! Please! I’m yours…”

Gordon grinned wickedly. “Are you?” He asked devilishly before his fingers started to tickle John just to watch him squirm.

“Aghhh! Hah!” Fingers dug into Gordon’s ribs in retaliation, laughing shrilly as his brother was unrelenting with his onslaught of tickling. “All-uhhhh! Ha! All yours!”

Still tickling, Gordon watched as John flopped backwards in an attempt to fend him off until Gordon kissed him on the lips and while John was distracted, guided himself very cautiously into the warm place John wanted.

John cried out in surprise at the size of Gordon’s erection as it pressed forward into his body. He was unable to fathom why on Earth Gordon thought he was not going to be able to satisfy him with his sizeable girth. He tugged Gordon closer and buried his head into his chest, sharp whimpered gasps catching in his throat.

Gordon paused, moving back a bit off John in worry. “Oh shit, I fucked that up didn't I?” He hung his head. “Give me a minute to pull out ok?” 

“Don’t!” John hissed quietly, “It’s fine… just need a - ah! - sec to adjust.”

John pulled Gordon’s head down to kiss him, taking his mind off the stinging pain as his body was stretched around his sibling. He suddenly realised how Gordon must have felt when he had been inside him.

“I want this, more than anything… Don’t stop now!”

Gordon kissed him in return as his answer, moving to nibble his neck and collarbone before he started to tentatively move his hips. There was room, but then there wasn't. Gordon was in as far as he could go but was aware he wasn't in that deep but the girth of his own masculinity made it hard to pull in or out without hurting John in the slightest. Eventually he settled for just rocking his hips along with stroking John's own erection, the only way he could go about it without hurting him.

Being shorter than John allowed him easy reach of his brother's chest and upper torso so he explored and teased his body as he moved, opting to maximize pleasure all over if he couldn't give it in the one place that counted.

“I'll be gentle John,” he whispered, in between little playful nibbles. “Be delicate so you remember your first time.”

The sensation of being filled so completely was more than he had ever imagined, the simultaneous gentle attention that was being lavished to his body. 

As his body became more accustomed to the feeling of having someone inside, he relaxed and allowed Gordon to move more freely, the biting pain melting into unimaginable bliss as their bodies shifted in unison.

“Ahhhhh! Uh! Gordon! Nnngh! Don’t stop!” He moaned and writhed beneath his older brother, “Feels incredible to have you - Ah! - inside me after all this time.”

“Feels amazing to be inside you too.” Gordon growled all predatorial as he nipped and left hickeys on John's pristine porcelain skin. “And don't think for a second I didn't enjoy the reverse either. Maybe some lube or something and we'll be set.”

He sunk his teeth into John's side playfully as he tempted fate and thrusted properly just to see John's reaction so he could work out how John’s body was dictating what he could and couldn't do. 

“I like seeing you get what you want, even if it's being rough with me.” He purred.

John yelped as Gordon thrusted hard into his body, the action causing Gordon’s hard flesh to push further into him. John’s teeth found their way into his brother’s skin, his lungs having air thrust out of them as Gordon moved with more purpose now.

Incoherent whimpering noises tumbled from his lips as he panted rapidly, fingernails clawing at his brother’s back. 

Gordon still paced himself but didn't keep it going for long, the more he pushed the closer he got and with one final thrust that was it, is back arching over and letting out a deep growling sound as he called John's name, orgasm taking over and over riding his senses. He felt slick wet fluid on his hand from where he had been stroking John, clear indication that he had released too.

Coming down from his climax, John’s hypersensitive body reacted to each twitching movement inside him as Gordon moved, warning quiet moans and whimpers in the process. 

“Holy shit…” John exhaled as his arms flopped to the bed above him.

John hissed as Gordon pulled away from him, the uncomfortable movement making him squirm slightly. His older brother slumped on the bed beside him, his chest heaving with deep breaths as they lay there together.

Linking his fingers with Gordon’s, John turned his head towards him and smiled. 

“That was more than I ever imagined it would be,” he grinned widely.

Gordon pulled him close an rand his fingers lovingly through his hair, still lavishing him in kisses. 

“You haven’t felt nothing yet.” He purred playfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song - space oddity - david bowie


	34. Never going to change

The sunlight lazily filtered through the large windows that surrounded them of the hotel room warming up the teens under the sheets. They spent all night making love and now sleep had finally befallen them, cuddled naked in each other's embrace.

Stirring as the warm light permeated his thin eyelids, John pulled the pillow closer to his body. 

Except it wasn’t a pillow…

John’s eyes opened slowly and widened as he focused on the sleeping figure of his naked brother in his arms. As he shook the sleepiness from his mind, memories of the previous night’s events playing on repeat, John silently and carefully untangled his limbs from Gordon’s and slipped out of the bed before grabbing his bag and heading to the bathroom. 

Glancing at his reflection, John’s eyes fell upon the numerous marks upon his skin from the night of heated sex with his older brother. 

He’d had sex with his older brother…

And here he was, waking up in an unfamiliar hotel room in a country he didn’t know with the aching sensation in his body and matching marks upon his skin both the result of committing incest.

John felt his stomach lurch as he slid against the wall, shaking violently, to the floor with the realisation of his actions hanging heavy like a rope around his neck. What the hell was going to happen to him if Scott found out… 

Scrabbling to his feet, John made a dash towards the shower, wrenching the the controls until steaming water poured out like fire. He scrubbed furiously at his skin until the combination of harsh attention and boiling water turning it a painful red.

After drying himself quickly, John delved into the bag and pulled out the clothes from the previous day and hurriedly tugged them on.

Gordon shifted in the bed and felt around, groaning now while waking up, wondering why he was in the hotel bed alone.

“John?” He murmured, sitting up and glancing around. He spied John's clothes still on the floor so his brother had to be somewhere. 

Still nude, he got up and wandered over to the window and looked out at the city and the harbor, stretching and basking in the sunlight.

John must either be in the loo or the shower. That's ok, he didn't need Gordon poking in on him until he was ready. Gordon started to wonder what he could order for breakfast to be brought to the room when John stormed out the ensuite and was grabbing madly for his clothes.

Confused, Gordon walked over. “Everything ok, John? Scott’s not due to arrive till this afternoon, was thinking we could order breakfast and enjoy the view while we still have - OW! Hey!”

Gordon reeled back from John, his jaw dripping a few drops of blood from sinking his teeth into his tongue. 

“Stay the fuck away from me!” John spat as he stuffed the suit jacket into his bag, not looking up. 

Slinging the bag over his shoulder, John bolted towards the hotel room door, but was yanked back before he could leave.

“What's wrong? What did I -” he cut himself off as reality dawned. “You...oh no John please don't…” he begged as he let go of John’s bag.

He lowered his head and felt his heart start to break.

“At least stay till Scott comes. you'll get lost out there.”

“Stay here? With YOU?” John growled, rounding on his brother, “You are a feral manipulative octopus that only wants one thing! YOU stay here til Scott comes… I’m out…”

“John, What are you saying to me? After last night...I thought…” Gordon's voice trailed off. He didn't have a leg to stand on let alone and dignity and ability to chase while undressed. “Look please, you stay here and I'll go ok? At least let Scott take you home.”

John backed away from Gordon, eyes blown wide as his back hit the door.

“Gordon,” John hissed in a warning tone, his eyes burning as bright as his red skin, “You are a sick depraved fucking psycho who should be castrated! I’m not staying here… I can’t.”

Sick, psycho, manipulative….

Gordon winced. “Please John. Just wait ok? I won't stay, I won't go near you I just… just want you to be safe.” 

Flinching under John's gaze, Gordon knew he was out on his own raft, chained up adrift at sea. Those words stabbed harder than he cared to show, choosing to hold a calm expression to hide his true feelings which were slowly being torn out from his chest and smeared all into the carpet.

He moved over to retrieve his new phone from his clothes from last night. “I promise to stay the hell away ok? I'll even call Scott to come sooner. He can always fly me home another day…” He saw John's expression. “Or not… look if you just head to the airport I'll get him to fly straight there ok? He can come earlier for you. Would… would that be better?”

John visibly flinched in on himself, back flat against the door as Gordon returned towards him, still naked with his phone held out. 

“St-stay b-back!” He yelped, holding his bag up between them as some kind of barrier, his other hand fumbling for the door handle.

“Fine.” Gordon placed the phone on the ground and moved away back towards the windows. “Just take the phone and call Scott yourself.” He sat at the table in front of one of them, dumping his clothes on the other chair. 

“Go on.” He said softly. “Fuck off home then.”

Ignoring the phone on the floor, John left the hotel room and slammed the door behind him, dashing away down the corridor towards the elevator and tugging his phone from his pocket. 

Dialling Scott’s number, he finally allowed his emotions to roll over as tears streamed down his face, waiting for his eldest brother to answer the call.

“You guys having fun? I’ve been expecting this phone call, you’re gonna ask me to come get you tomorrow so you can stay longer?” Scott’s tone was light and cheerful until he heard John’s small sobs, “Johnny? What’s up?”

“I need you to come get me, now.” John breathed, stepping out of the elevator and bolting towards the doors of the hotel and onto the street. “I’ll be waiting at the airport.”

Not giving Scott a chance to respond, John ended the call and headed to the nearest taxi and clambering into the back.

“Airport, please,” John stammered, slumping against the seat.

Paying no attention to the conversation the taxi driver attempted to start, John instead let his body give in to the constricting panic and disgust that was threatening to spill over, blocking every call that came through on his phone.

Watching as Scott’s plane taxied across to the hangar where he was stood, John wiped his face and padded over with his head hung low. He had a good few hours to try and calm himself down to no avail.

The side door of the aircraft was flung open and Scott came bounding out towards John, his face a dangerous mixture of fury and concern. 

“What the hell has happened? You call me up crying and demand I pick you up to then HANG UP on me?” Scott thundered as he grabbed John and pulled him into a tight hug. “Don’t you dare do that again, I was so worried.”

Releasing his crushing embrace and holding his younger brother at arms length, Scott looked around in search of his red-headed sibling. “Where’s Gordon?”

John flinched at the mere mention of his name, shrugging Scott’s arms off his shoulders, “Not here… Not coming.” He growled, storming towards the jet.

Scott blinked a few times and sighed heavily, clearly Gordon’s plans to make up for their falling out with dinner had not gone as expected. He followed John into the cockpit and sat beside him wordlessly, picking up the radio headset and contacting the control tower to await authorisation for take off.

Once airborne and having signed off with the air traffic controller, Scott cruised up to his designated altitude and heading before setting up the autopilot.

“Talk to me, John,” he demanded flatly as he pulled off the headset, “Don’t pull the silent treatment shit with me either, I stuck my neck out leaving work to make it here earlier than agreed.”

John shifted uncomfortably in the co-pilot’s seat. “I don’t ever want to see... him again,” he mumbled quietly.

Scott was shocked to hear his younger brother so angry, “Surely you don’t really mean that?”

John nodded quickly in response, folding his arms and bouncing his leg quickly. 

“What happened?” Scott repeated, turning to face John and noticing deep marks on his neck. “What the fuck are these?” He growled, indicating towards mottled discolourations, “Are those finger marks?”

John’s hand instinctively flew up to the sucked bruises left by Gordon’s mouth the previous night. Glancing away from the piercing glare of his older brother. 

It wasn’t as if John could tell him the real origin of the marks, that he had received them when he’d had Gordon’s erection pressed deep inside of him… His own brother. John shook the thoughts away as he felt bile in his throat.

“Did he do that? Did he beat you up? TELL ME, JOHN!” Scott roared, making John jump.

“We had an argument,” John lied, feeling guilty as he did so, “Things got a little out of hand…I left our room an-”

Scott growled loudly, slamming his fist down onto the arm rest. “You shared a room? The little shit! I gave him money so that you could have separate rooms! What the fuck did he spend that money on then?”

The guilt rose further in John’s chest. He wasn’t sure why he felt guilty for lying about the brother that had somehow manipulated him into bed, creating something that wasn’t there between them, messing with his feelings and making him believe that they could be together.

“I don’t know…”

“Fuck I can see why dad wanted to get rid of him if this is the way he treats his own brothers… I can’t believe I trusted him, believed he wanted to turn his life around just to have him do this to you.” Scott sighed angrily and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I tell you what, John. I’ll drop you back home and you can take a few days out of study if need be… I’ll go and pick up that little shit and make sure he’s given straight back to dad. No one hurts my little brother and gets away with it.”

Gordon sat at the window for some time. Why the fuck did he give in to John? He knew, he FUCKING KNEW he'd break his heart.

But he went ahead with it anyway.

No matter where he was in the world, no matter where he was in his life, somehow Gordon always without fail, fucked everything up.

Slowly he got dressed, leaving the red jacket on over the back of the chair and began to pick up the tiny flower petals off the floor, like he was picking up the millions of broken pieces of his shattered heart.

John was right, he was a monster, he had warned him and even shown him that he was… and yet the dance with danger and the wild thrill of the game was what drew him closer, even though everything was doomed from the start. 

Gordon knew Scott wouldn't want to give him the time of day if John showed up at the airport alone, maybe even kicking him out of his apartment if he arrived and saw him crying. 

Gordon deserved everything nasty that was to come his way. 

He noticed that John hadn't taken the phone and picked it up, scrolling though the photo gallery and deleting every picture, every trace of him and John - pictures with Alan and Scott for that matter - any reminder that he belonged to a family… As he no longer had one anymore.

Scrolling through the phone numbers, tossing up whether or not to delete the small few that were in it until one number he asked Scott for stuck out like the devil's dirty deal.

Gordon called it and his heart sank lower than it had ever been as it dialed.

“Hello? This is Jeff Tracy, Whom is calling?”

“It's me dad. Gordon...your son, the one you dumped in America.”

“I have only four sons, none of them are called Gordon. Good day.”

The phone was hung up and Gordon lowered the device into his lap, tears now dripping onto his hands. Broken and destroyed, Gordon lay on the floor crying into a small pile of cherry blossom petals.

Lonely and forgotten  
Never thought he'd look my way  
And he smiled at me and held me  
Just like he use to do  
Like he loved me  
When he loved me  
When somebody loved me  
Everything was beautiful  
Every hour spent together  
Lives within my heart  
When he loved me

Gordon spent the next night in the room, still on the floor unmoving.There was no where else for him to go. Everything for the moment was gone.

The phone eventually rang and it was Scott, all angry and full of fury.

When the hologram flicked up he got a shock as Gordon flinched barely moving anything but his head. 

“You,” Scott snapped viciously. “Are no longer welcome back here. Find somewhere else to go to college, as I'm throwing all your stuff away. Expect dad to deal with you soon...you arsehole.”

As it flicked away, Gordon started to cry more, burying his head in his arms. His life was already the pits and now there was nothing left...unless he could finish his studies by correspondence but even then what will happen after that was all in the dark. Gordon was a prisoner to a world that didn't want his existence. 

“I'm sorry mum…” Gordon mumbled. “Not worthy of being a Tracy, not worth being you son either.”

He wanted to just curl up and die but then, that's giving everyone what they want wasn't it? They wanted him gone.

Gordon eventually got up off the floor and grabbed his jacket so he could leave, getting prepared to run, if only to keep his father's butler off his tail for a day or two. He didn't have much else left in his life to do than be made to heel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song - when she loved me - Pixar toy story 2


End file.
